NFL running back Leroy Hoard was known as a goal-line runner. He reportedly once told his coach, “Coach, if you need one yard, I’ll get you three yards. If you need five yards, I’ll get you three yards.”
Nitpick: it was Jerry Rubin.
I may have imagined it, but I seem to remember Dennis Miller narrating footage of Ted Kennedy (captioned “D-Mass”) as, “Senator Edward Kennedy, dumbass… Oh, excuse me! Democrat, of Massachusetts!”
Miller definitely read a similar bit of Joan Collins holding her autobiography “Saga”, mispronouncing it “Saggy”, before mock-correcting himself.
The locksmith one reminds me of something my brother and his friend ad-libbed on a tape recorder when I was a kid. It was an interview with a fictitious ex-boxer who had done time in prison:
Q: What did you do before you were in prison?
A: I used to be a fighter.
Q: And why did you go to prison?
A: I used to be a fighter.
Generally speaking - women are generally speaking. 
For centuries America was only led by straight, white, rich Christian men. Aren’t you glad their leader today isn’t a straight, white, rich Christian man?
The first scene of Tom Stoppard’s The Real Thing involves a wife returning from a trip to Switzerland. After a few questions about the trip, the dialogue continues more or less like this:
Husband: You’ll never guess what I found in the back of the recipe drawer.
Wife: What?
Husband: Your passport.
Wife: Oh. … What were you looking for in the recipe drawer?
Husband: … Your passport.
Later, she asks if he’d checked the stamps:
Husband: You never went to Amsterdam when you went to Amsterdam.
“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.”
― James Branch Cabell
Today’s Grand Avenue
‘The pessimist believes all women are bad, and the optimist hopes this is true’.
‘I’ve got good news and bad news’.
‘Ok - start with the bad news’.
‘There’s no good news’.
‘Are you sure there’s no good news’?
‘Well, there’s not as much bad news as usual’.
etc…etc…
The setup:
“What does a yellow light mean?”
“Slow down.”
“Okay…”
It’s an entirely different kind of flying
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
This one plays out at the table, whenever we have someone new over for a curry dinner.
‘This slaw dressing is very yummy, how do you make it?’
‘It’s really simple, it’s just two ingredients, white vinegar and simple syrup.’
…pause…
‘How do you make simple syrup?’
‘It’s really simple, it’s just two ingredients, white sugar and water.’
(Pretty certain it amuses only me!)
Let’s not forget some “Henny” Youngman classics:
“Take my wife … please”.
“Last night my wife said the weather outside was fit for neither man nor beast, so we both stayed home.”
Straying off topic a bit, but was he the guy with the line: “The secret of a happy marriage is to eat out two evenings a week - she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays”?
Yes; it was Youngman. I did have to check to be sure because it also sounded like a joke Rodney Dangerfield might use.
Here’s two of Dangerfield’s:
“I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.”
“In my life I’ve been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”
Surely you can’t be serious.
From The Avengers:
Loki: The soldier. A man out of time.
Captain America: I’m not the one who’s out of time.
And don’t call me Shirley!
There’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
“Yeah, in a basement. You know, fightin’ in a basement offers a lot of difficulties; number one being: you’re fightin’ in a basement.”
There’s this brief piece from early Second City: “No, George, don’t”. The woman is talking to another man on stage who doesn’t talk. - YouTube