Personally? It’s far, far too late for me to decide to wait until marriage to have sex. Though I regret some of the choices I made so far as partners, I’ve never regretted having sex as a single woman.
And, I never would have questioned it until last year, when I took a teaching job at an Orthodox Jewish private school. There, it was quite clear that there was no sexual activity until marriage. Period. End of story. It worked for them. Over all the people I saw were happy and secure in their relationships.
More than that, removing sex from the everyday currency of social intercourse was something of a relief. Of course, I did get to go home at the end of the school day. I wasn’t steeping in it like some of my coworkers. When sex is something that only happens between wife and husband, and there’s no question of ever marrying a person of that culture and religion, then there’s no worry about whether he thinks your pretty, how you should dress, how you should talk, what subjects you can discuss.
Before I started working there, I would have named myself as one of the last people to change who I am in order to attract romantic or sexual interest. Yet, while I was part of that world, I came to appreciate how much more relaxed and meaningful my time was when I wasn’t constantly gauging men’s reaction to me, and my reaction to them.
I did a lot of thinking on the topic. There are many aspects of Orthodox Judaism that I found appealing - the focus on learning and intellect, the over-arching guide of the Torah to be a good person and live a good life, how much stress was placed on kindness, the meaning every day and every act had. There was also a whole lot that I couldn’t stand - having to cover myself from neck to wrist to ankle, married women covering their hair, no women being allowed to perform before men, and many other aspects.
For them, the idea of chastity until marriage worked. Sex was something very special between husband and wife. It was private. It was treasured. Information about sex was available, and there was actually a great deal of guidance from the rabbis, the Torah, the Talmud, and the other great writings. It just wasn’t something that was casually thrown out or referenced, any more than they casually threw out the name of G-d.
But, I don’t think it would work for the larger culture. There were too many strictures on behavior. Too few allowances for differences of orientation, gender, and taste. Too many imbalances between male privilege and female responsibility.
In order to pull off a full cultural value of chastity until marriage, you’d need:
- a homogeneous society where everyone shares the same values and references.
- general separation of male and female, except for family and courting. (At the school where I taught, the children were separated by gender starting in first grade.)
- emphasis on marriage as the “natural” and expected state for adults.
- guidance from parents and family on choosing a spouse at an early age.
- it’s expected of both men and women.