Mmm yeah that sounds hottt.
Every day? IME, even though I’ve always wanted to have it more frequently than my male partners, waiting can be the hottest part and sex is often the best when you haven’t had it for a few days. Maybe that’s just me and my anatomy.
Also, I hope she included a ‘Wait, I think I feel a UTI/infection coming on’ proviso.
For all those pointing out that sometimes people have bad colds or whatever–the article says “the couple don’t claim a 100 per cent success rate but say they had sex roughly 28 days a month for 12 months…” So, obviously, they didn’t force the issue if there was some really good reason for them not to have sex.
[QUOTE=phouka]
The way I’ve heard about/experienced it, is that if you’re stressed, tired, and pre-occupied, sex is not a re-charging, spontaneous, fun event. It feels good, but sleep or watching a TV or just zoning out feels even better and requires less effort.
[/QUOTE]
First of all, your statement that not having sex “requires less effort” is exactly the point of the whole thing.
Secondly, many of us do find sex a “re-charging” event when we’re “stressed, tired, and pre-occupied.” Unless I’m seriously sleep-deprived for some reason, a half-hour of sex will do a hell of a lot more for me than an hour of sleep or zoning out. YMMV, of course.
[QUOTE=phouka]
But the commitment to provide that to your spouse? Wow. And I loved her description of how they became more thoughtful to one another. I really admired her self-honesty in recognizing that she had rejected her husband and not been there for him, and that she made up for it.
[/QUOTE]
Whoa. And where was he for her? I think it’s great that this couple worked out something that turned out great for them, but am I the only one who noticed that it was HER who was doing all the changing, the adapting, the compromising? Where is his feeling bad and making up for it? How come he gets a pass here?
What were his responsibilities re their sex life and domestic life?
General thoughts:
How is it that she was “not there for him” and yet he–a full participant in their sex life–was somehow always there for her? The woman does not say he was, but that assumption is tacitly there. How (and why) is it her “fault” that they had a sucky sex life? 
He is just a passive recipient here? She was (and is) the gatekeeper for sex?
I also don’t like her message to other women of “try to get 2 of the 3” (job, kids, happy marriage)–we know which one she picked–I wish she had said that that is what works for her, not what all women should do. Why did she have to cut hours at work–she apparently made big bucks–why didn’t husband step up and cut his hours? Why didn’t he help out around the house more? Or they could have hired help. She doesn’t say he didn’t “help” (and why does he get to “help” at all, while she is responsible?), but again, her comments re “getting home to get dinner on the table” imply he did not. Where is the teamwork in this marriage? Were they ever equals? Or did she bear full burdens (as did he) in different areas and (as in so many cases) the bedroom became symbolic of all the inequities? Kudos to her for breaking the impasse, but I question her rationale. I don’t question the method–have as much sex as you want, but why the need for her to take the blame? That doesn’t sit right with me.
I’m glad it worked for them. I completely agree that most couples should take a good hard look at their sex lives and see where they can improve them (together)–if increased frequency is one solution, that’s great. But it’s not a panacea and it won’t cure a failing marriage, IMO. Also, what quality sex is she getting, if she is thinking about the babysitter during? :dubious: “Washing the kitchen floor”? WTF? I am left truly wondering if he is the only one coming after all this marriage saving sex.
There is something slightly creepy about this story–I was taken aback by some of the bile in the comments, but I tend to agree with those who say, “hey, keep it private”. In a weird way, I see this story as being narcissistic–it’s all about HER and her method of renewing intimacy in her marriage; her husband seems like a sort of accessory. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it creeps me out a bit.
For those here who don’t understand how someone could turn down sex with their spouse, check back with us in about 15 years, after kids, financial woes, health issues, family problems and finding that 24 hours per day is not enough for the tasks that face you.
[Ray Romano]Yeah, now that we have kids, sex is different. We only have sex every three months. I know that if we have sex, that it must be time to pay the water bill. If it’s oral sex, then I know it’s time to renew my driver’s license.[/Ray Romano]
[QUOTE=Snarky_Kong]
Would you want to have sex with somebody that has the flu, snot all over the place, etc?
[/QUOTE]
You do realize there’s music on the flip side of an LP?
Oh, man, I am so with eleanorigby* on this one. She chose to give up her career already because she was so overwhelmed by children and housework and her job, and yet she still had to be the one to make the sacrifices required to make this work? And frankly, I know I’d start to resent having made such a promise. Sometimes you just don’t feel like having sex. Sometimes you do it anyway. But to always do it anyway no matter how you’re feeling about it at the time? Ugh.
And if it was such a big deal to him (feeling so abandoned, poor darling), why didn’t HE say something earlier? Something along the lines of “what can I do to help you feel more like having sex?” You know, communication?
*I totally just realized there’s only one R in your username!
I know that I’m getting old when the thought of having sex every single day for a year is almost horrifying. Ah, to be a teenager again.
Hey what happens when the year is over… ?
sorry honey… the deal’s off…
go f**k your self?
FML
Completely aside from whatever issues this couple has,I think it’s a great goal, like working out every day. Sure, you don’t do it if you are really sick or for some other extenuating circumstace, but the default position should always be yes, not no. It’s easy to fall into the the “not tonight, maybe tomorrow” habit when you’ve been married for a while, but like any habit, that can be broken and replaced with a better one.
[QUOTE=Annie-Xmas]
Yes they do
[/QUOTE]
I have that book! 
[QUOTE=treis]
Yeah, how the hell is a wife having sex with her husband considered a gift?
[/QUOTE]
If she buys a new costume and wig.
[QUOTE=Cat Fight]
Mmm yeah that sounds hottt.
Every day? IME, even though I’ve always wanted to have it more frequently than my male partners, waiting can be the hottest part and sex is often the best when you haven’t had it for a few days. Maybe that’s just me and my anatomy.
Also, I hope she included a ‘Wait, I think I feel a UTI/infection coming on’ proviso.
[/QUOTE]
Oh well, if it’s “every day, except when I have an excuse” then I think I have that already. :dubious:
Still don’t get why eleanorigby objects to the notion that the one who’s refusing sex all the time might be the “gatekeeper” who is dictating the terms of the sex life.
[QUOTE=treis]
Yeah, how the hell is a wife having sex with her husband considered a gift?
[/QUOTE]
It is a gift; the most intimate and personal gift she can give. Do you consider it to be her duty? Or a husband’s privilege?
[QUOTE=LouisB]
It is a gift; the most intimate and personal gift she can give. Do you consider it to be her duty? Or a husband’s privilege?
[/QUOTE]
Be careful treis. This is a trick question.
[QUOTE=LouisB]
It is a gift; the most intimate and personal gift she can give. Do you consider it to be her duty? Or a husband’s privilege?
[/QUOTE]
Why isn’t it an intimate and personal gift to her when he has sex with her?
Am I the only one that got a “Guinness Book of World Records” feel to what she was doing? :dubious: Actually, while I’m thinking about it…is there a world record for most days of continuous sex with the same partner? Hmmmmm.
[QUOTE=LouisB]
It is a gift; the most intimate and personal gift she can give. Do you consider it to be her duty? Or a husband’s privilege?
[/QUOTE]
Conversely, is it a husband’s duty to have sex with his wife, or it is a wife’s privilege?
[QUOTE=treis]
Yeah, how the hell is a wife having sex with her husband considered a gift?
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=LouisB]
It is a gift; the most intimate and personal gift she can give. Do you consider it to be her duty? Or a husband’s privilege?
[/QUOTE]
I think treis is asking “why is it a birthday gift?” I.e., a gift associated with a once-a-year occurrence, as opposed to a gift woven into the day-to-day intimacy of a successful relationship.
Clearly, treis is not married. 
In my own experience, women in heterosexual relationships are much more likely to be sexually frustrated than men. It is a common pattern (IME) for the man to lose interest in meeting her sexual needs. More than one woman I know has ended a long-term relationship for this very reason.
I’m really sick of this representation of men as sexually insatiable and women as sexual gatekeepers, because my experience has generally been quite the opposite. Maybe she wasn’t doing it with the intention of offering him regular sex - but to get it for herself?
[QUOTE=Malacandra]
Oh well, if it’s “every day, except when I have an excuse” then I think I have that already. :dubious:
Still don’t get why eleanorigby objects to the notion that the one who’s refusing sex all the time might be the “gatekeeper” who is dictating the terms of the sex life.
[/QUOTE]
Mal-we’ve been over this. Neither partner should be able to “dictate” the terms of the couple’s sex life. She is (not just was) the gatekeeper for them–that’s fucked up. It’s fucked up, period, whether it’s the man or the woman who controls the show. My problem with is (not just that it’s messed up) is that he made her the gatekeeper by his tacit agreement to do things her way. When their sex life went into limbo–what did he do? Apparently he didn’t say anything. How is that helpful or healthy for their relationship? I don’t like this whole “the woman controls the show and should take the blame for the quality of their entire sex life” that I pick up from this woman. His passivity contributed to her gatekeeping. They are both to blame for their lack of sex/poor quality sex.
How is their sex? She’s worried about the babysitter and compares it to a daily household chore–wtf is up with that? She doesn’t sound like someone who “did this for her” to me. I could be wrong.
Re this gatekeeping thing: IMO, in healthy couples, this role changes back and forth–just as Keeper of the Checkbook or Who Keeps Track of the Pet Vaccines etc. One partner might do it more often, but the role is not fixed or rigid. But if that happens, it’s not called gatekeeping anymore, but normal, healthy relations, taking in the fact that Life happens and that sometimes it’s better for one partner than the other.
General thoughts:
All I can say is that if this were my husband and we’d entered into this agreement* and a few weeks into it he said that he had been really hurt by “my not wanting sex” all those years, he’d be out of that bed so fast and I’d be smacking the shit out of him (well, if I believed in physical violence that is). How dare he keep such a personal and important feeling private from the one person he should be sharing it with? Nobody “gets” to just go along with any program then complain later that it was just awful for them. Retroactive guilt sucks.
IOW, if you(male or female) don’t like the rules to this game or the position you play, advocate for yourself! Speak up, talk it through, suggest sex therapy, counseling, whatever, but don’t passively accept whatever situation comes your way and then whine about it after the fact.
Sex is many things to many people, but one thing it is often about is control. It sounds to me like this couple just swapped one kind of control for another–she was the gatekeeper when there was little sex; she is still the gatekeeper with lots of sex. Does no one else see how messed up that is? It’s not about control–it’s about trust and intimacy and having fun (hopefully).
I swear the entire scenario has flipped: instead of women being stoic and thinking of England whilst they did their duty to their husband, now we’ve got men just silently accepting what is to them (supposedly, there seem to be men who do not want sex daily, let’s not forget that) anathema. If it’s so damned bad, why aren’t they speaking up? Is it easier to turn to strip clubs or hookers or porn than to do the work of a relationship? (don’t answer that–of course it it). What do you all (men) have to lose by saying, “hey, this is really important to me. How can we make this important to you?” Notice I didn’t say “as important” or “so this should be important” or “you’re a ball busting bitch for not being as horny as I am”. Or is it easier just to bitch about this and effect no change, ie, take no risks? I think so.
I have no easy answers when it comes to sex and marriage–I’m no expert and have indeed failed at my own in ways I would never share here. Perhaps I’m too idealistic in my hopes that passion and fun can be shared consistently over time. Maybe I expect too much from sex in terms of intimacy and trust–some people really don’t think it about it all that much and rut like rabbits and have a blast. I sort of envy those people. I could no more have a one night stand than I could ride a unicycle, but the “contract” these people entered into is so fraught with expectations and emotional baggage, control issues and passive/aggressiveness, it seems to me creepy. She even has an answer to those who might ask, "you’ve made him happy–but does this new way of doing things make you happy?. Her answer (if I’ve understood her POV) is “yes, making him happy is enough for me.”
That sort of thing sounds nice, until you examine it closely. (and just so there is no misunderstanding, I would feel as creeped out if this were a husband doing X for a wife. Nothing should be that one sided).
Just my thoughts.
and it would be mutually planned*, not some “gift” I gave him. No wonder he turned it down at first: I would see that as a “gift” studded with emotional baggage and steel hawsers for strings.
**the thought that this would happen is laughable, btw.