I need to amass a number of sexist jokes for a little skit concerning womens rights. I figured you people would be the right crowd to bring this to. I need things like, “What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven’t already said twice.”
I know these jokes are tasteless, but still, they’ll serve a purpose.
Why are a woman’s feet smaller than a mans?
So she can stand closer to the sink.
This one is a little bit crude.
How do you make a woman cum?
Who cares?
I have more but that is all I can remember at the moment.
Courses for Women
‘To Honour and Obey:’ Remembering the small print above ‘I Do’ Ways To Claim Sexual Discrimination
Excuses For a Headache
Advanced mathematics seminar – Program your VCR
Apologizing for farting when you’re on the toilet is not necessary
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly ‘Honey, do I look fat?’)
Attainable goal: Catching a ball before it stops moving
Balancing a check book: Even you can get it right
Beyond ‘clean and dirty’: the nuances of wearable laundry
Clothes: the smell test
Combating The Impulse To Nag
Common Sense - How To Develop The Skill
Comprehending credit card spending limits and financial responsibility
Convincing People You Are Right When In Fact You Are Wrong
Crying and law enforcement
Decorating Tampons For The Xmas Period
Dress like a slut and put on something sexy - Why it won’t ruin your brain
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights (indicators)
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and driving–It’s as simple as oil and water
Driving V: How to parallel park
Faking Orgasms - Other Peoples Experiences
Female friendship: Why your best friends are not the women who complain about you the most
Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
Get a life: Learn to kill mice and spiders yourself.
Gift giving fundamentals: Fabric bad, electronics good
Healing wounds by expressing the latent wild man within
His poker games: Deal yourself out
Home economics: How to earn your own money but just spend his
Home economics: How to hammer in a nail without breaking one
How Not To Act Dumb In Mixed Company
How not to sob like a sponge when your husband is right
How to close the garage door
How to close the top on the toothpaste
How to do all your laundry in one load and have more time to watch football
How to encourage your husband to cook more and be able to stomach his slop
How To Get Ready For Eating Out In Less Than Three Hours
How to go fishing with your mate and not catch pneumonia
How to Pretend Your Farts Are Silent and Don’t Smell
How to properly fill a beer mug
How to remain femininely enticing and attractive after menopause
How to retain your composure while your husband is relaxing by himself
How To Save Your Money
How to say ‘No’ but really mean ‘Yes’
How To Sleep In The Bush With A Heavy Dew
How To Spend Someone Else’s Money
How to stay awake during sex and imagine that it lasted for over minutes
If you don’t want an excuse, don’t demand an explanation
If you want to know how that looks on you, ask your Mother
Interpersonal relationships: Marriage - the number one cause of divorce
It’s okay to do it outside of the bedroom
Joys of the remote control: Reaping the benefits of + channels
Know when to say when: The limits of makeup
Learning to appreciate the beer belly and lard butt morphologies of men
Learning to Breath Through Your Nose When Your Mouth is Full
Life skills: Elementary map reading
Lingerie: The gift that keeps on giving
Liposuction And Your Hoover
How to act younger than your Mother
Living without power windows: How to turn a crank
Looking versus ‘purchasing’
Menopause For Fun And Profit
Moaning in Ten Different Languages
MYOB: Proper response to other couple’s public arguments
No - You Are Not Always Right
Nose-Picking Fundamentals
Overcoming ‘The Imelda Syndrome’ (formerly called ‘How many feet do you have, anyway?’)
Panel Beating Techniques For Non-Stationary Motor Vehicles
Parenting: Your husband gave you children so you could have someone other than him to boss around
Payday and shopping are not synonymous
Paying For Your Own Drinks - A Women’s Story
Peeping Through Lounge Room Curtains On The Neighbours And Other Surveillance Techniques
PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning to sleep over at Mother’s
PMS – It’s YOUR problem, not mine (was: It’s happened monthly since puberty – deal with it)
PMS: Learning to sleep over at Mother’s
Punctuality: ‘Are you ready to leave?’ – Definition of the word ‘yes’
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Reasons to give head to your man
Romanticism: the whole point of caviar, candles, and conversation
S.N.A.G.S And How To Serve Them
Save energy: Cooking and eating a meal using one fork and a saucepan.
Servicing And Tuning A Menstrual Cycle ( and stroke)
Sex education: How to say ‘Yes’ more often
Sexual alternatives for ‘That time of the month’ (formerly called ‘Any old port in a storm’)
Shopping: doing it in less than hours
Silence - Listening Is Not An Impossibility
Telephone translations (was: ‘Me too’ equals ‘I Love You’)
The History Of Gall Bladder Removals
The living world: Pets are not people (was: ‘you bought it, you walk it’)
The Seven-Outfit Week v the Seven-Week Outfit
The Super Bowl (The AFL Grand Final): Not a game–A sacrament
Understanding the Female causes of Male drunkenness
Ways To Avoid Surveillance Cameras In Gymnasiums
We do not want ties for Christmas (just wear the sexy lingerie I gave you)
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET’S LET IT DROP
What goes around comes around–Why his credit card is Not a toy
Why God Is a Man And Always Has Been
Why going to the bathroom is not a group activity
Why I Am Second In Importance To Alcohol
Why I Talk Nonsense And Other Mysteries
Why it is unacceptable to talk about feminine hygiene in mixed company
Why men enjoy grocery shopping about as much as women enjoy watching sport on TV.
Why you don’t need to invite your Mother over every weekend (was: Why your Mother is unwelcome in the house)
You can change the oil too
You can use a bed for more than just sleep
You too can carry a backpack
You, the whining sex
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child?
Your Opinions - They Don’t Matter
Yesterday, scientists for Health Australia suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A blond is stuck on a desert island. How does she get off?
She swims for it.
A redhead is stuck on a desert island. How does she get off?
She makes a raft.
A brunette is stuck on a desert island. How does she get off?
She sets up flares on the island for planes flying above.
A man is stuck on a desert island. How does he get off?
He takes the bridge.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT IS NOT FUNNY!
No, really, how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the bitch can cook in the dark
I’m serious, how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - One to change the light bulb and one to SUCK MY FUCKING DICK!
I guess this one would qualify
Two friends were talking about fruedian slips. One commented that at the train station, he asked the woman “Picket to titsburg”. The other friend replied, “Oh yeah, you think that’s bad? I meant to ask my wife for butter during dinner and I wound up saying You bitch, you ruined my life!”
Why is a watch not a good gift for your wife?
Because there’s a clock on the stove, damn it.
Thanks for all the replies guys, keep 'em coming.
If your dog and your wife are both outside making noise, which do you let in?
The dog. It’ll at least shut up once it’s inside.
Dumb woman goes to the auto repair shop and says her car is dead.
The mechanic does some adjustments and tells her he’s all done.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He says, “no big deal…just crap in the carburetor”
She says, “how often?”
Q: What do 20,000 battered women have in common?
A: They slowly increase volume with each word and say: Just punch fist into palm Don’t punch fist into palm Listen punch fist into palm!
Q:What is the first thing a battered woman should do when she leaves the shelter?
A:The dishes (if she knows what’s good for her).
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Ya slap her!
What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Why do brides wear white. So the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn’t need cleaning.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.
Why do women have foreheads? So guys can kiss them after getting a blowjob.
What’s worse than a male chauvanist pig? A bitch who won’t do what she’s told.
(with my sincere apologies 
)
What is wrong when the bitch comes out of the kitchen and starts screaming at you?
You made the leash to long.
Uh, guys? Would it be possible to keep the battered women’s jokes to e-mail? I see that Ganryu Kojiro has an e-mail address listed. Also I would appreciate if you could try to keep the insults out of this forum (e.g. “the bitch”).
Sorry about the tastelessness of this thread, Arnold. I thought I was pretty clear about the spirit in which these were to be used(to highlight the kind of stupidity we see from old time male chauvinists, actually) and I figured you all were pretty open minded about this sort of thing. I see where you’re coming from and I agree with you. I do not condone the sort of behavior in these jokes.
Thank you for your understanding GK.
How are women and carpets alike:
If you lay em right the first time, you can walk over them for years
I’m sorry, I’ll be sure to post politically correct sexist jokes from now on.
…now where are those “guaranteed-not-to-offend sexist jokes”…