Need jokes again!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hey all, last October I asked for some help with halloween jokes for my friend’s Burlesque show here in Denver, and I’m back again.

Her emcee just dropped out for Friday (tomorrow’s) show, and she asked me to fill in. I need bawdy, broad, burlesque jokes. I’m feverishly searching online, but my google-fu keeps pulling up amazon joke books for sale. If anyone has a joke they’d like to lend, or a favorite site that has some listed, I will gladly return the favor with the frosty cold beverages of your choice the next ime you are in Denver City, Denver.
Thanks!

yancey

2

A pretty woman with, er, sizable frontal assets is walking down the street one day when she is approached by a man who says: “Can I bite your breasts for $100?” “No way!” she replies. “What do you think I am, a cheap whore?!” “What about $1000?” the man offers. “I’m not selling my body for money!” the woman retorts. “OK, $10,000.” This really makes the woman think. I could buy a new car for that, she says to herself - maybe it’s worth it. It’ll only take a minute, when am I ever going to get $10,000 for a minute’s work? “Alright then, I’ll do it,” she agrees.

So the man undoes her blouse and bra and begins licking, stroking, squeezing, and sucking her gorgeous titties. After a minute or so of this she begins to get impatient. “Well, aren’t you going to bite them?” she complains. “Nah,” sighs the man, still engrossed, “Too expensive.”

I’ve no idea if that’s any good or is even close to what you’re looking for, but there you are anyway :).

3

My better half and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

4

Three men go to a brothel, but they find they only have enough money for one to visit.
The lucky guy goes in smiling, but comes out groaning and bent double.

“What happened?!”

"Well this beautiful girl told me to undress and lie down. Then she produced a tin of pineapple rings and a load of whipped cream. I was really excited, so she slid the rings onto my erect member and covered them in cream. The she said she was going to lick and nibble it all off - slowly and sensually! :eek: "

“Yes?!”

“Well it looked so good that I ate it myself…”

5

Don’t think I’ll be in Denver anytime soon… but you just can’t go wrong with Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife is so bad in bed that, after sex, I draw a chalk outline around her.

My doctor said I was so sick that I’d be dead by the end of the year. I said I’d like to get a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too!”

My wife likes to talk after sex. Last night she called me from some motel.

I was such an ugly baby that after my mom gave birth, the doctor slapped her.

I was so ugly as a kid that my parents had to Scotch-tape lunch meat to my clothes to get the dog to play with me.

And some other random jokes I’ve heard recently:

I just don’t get this whole gay-marriage thing. Men want to marry men? Cowards.

A guy walks into a bar, obviously very upset, and tells the bartender to pour him ten shots of whiskey, just line them up on the bar. The bartender does so, and the guy pounds them down, one after another. “What’s wrong?” asks the bartender. “I’m completely broke,” says the guy.

What’s the difference between Vietnam and Iraq? George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.

What’s the difference between a masochist and a sadist? A masochist says, “Beat me, whip me, humiliate me, please!” A sadist says [with air of smug superiority], “No.”

6

And you might wanna take a look at this:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=375107&page=1&highlight=virginia+earl

7

Here are a few:

Q: Do you talk to your wife during sex?
A: Only if there’s a telephone handy.

Q: Do you smoke during sex?
A: I don’t know–I’ve never looked.

I can’t get over a girl like you… so you’ll have to get up and answer the phone yourself.

A little rhyme I learned long ago:

I came to see my sweetie,
And I heard her call,
“I must slip on something, darling;
I’ll be no time at all.”
So I waited in the hallway,
And dreamed away my cares,
Until my sweetie roused me,
By just slipping on the stairs!

A guy bets the bartender $50 that he can pee in a shotglass placed at the other end of the bar. The bartender agrees, and puts an empty shotglass in place.

The guy unzips and lets fly. Nothing goes anywhere near the shotglass, but the bartender is soaked. Still, the bartender just laughs and says, “Okay, you now owe me $50.”

The guy happily pays up. He tells the bartender, “That’s fine, because I just bet those other guys over there $500 that I could piss all over you and you’d just laugh!”

Y’know, this thread needs some rimshots!

8

Oh, I just thought of two more:

“Legs” is the word of the day. Help spread the word.

A young lady is on a date. Her boyfriend drives her to the local Lover’s Lane, and attempts to go a little too far. She is not pleased, and gets out of the car and walks home. That night, she writes in her diary, “Dear Diary, a girl’s best friends are her legs.”

But she goes on another date with the same guy. He returns them to the Lover’s Lane. When he again tries to go a little too far, she once more gets out of the car and walks home. And her diary entry for that night reads, “Dear Diary, I have to say again that a girl’s best friends are her legs.”

On their next date, the guy again drives them to Lover’s Lane. And that night, the girl writes in her diary, “Dear Diary, there comes a time when even the best of friends must part…”

9

A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at
the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her,
and says, “Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer,
he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, “I’ll keep you happy, and
you’ll keep me happy.” She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that
night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches
and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks
later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

                "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. 

                "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking
                me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

                "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession
to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because
she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding,
it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and
said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most
important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said
that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist,
it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage,
it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and
said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other
things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on
to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as
flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After
one glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to
the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you
before we got married. Why did you still faint?”

The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long.”

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
“What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
“That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when his
attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and
kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have
to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish
to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration
of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied…
“My wife’s first husband.”

10

One day a woman goes to Victoria’s Secret and tells a salesclerk there, “My husband and I haven’t had sex in weeks. What can I wear that will make him horny?” The clerk sells her some crotchless panties.

Later that evening, after dinner, the woman goes upstairs and comes down wearing nothing but her bra and the crotchless panties. “Hey Honey,” she says to her husband, “Want some pussy?”

“Are you kidding?!?” he says, “Just look what you’re pussy’s done to those poor panties!”

Back when pharmacists dispensed condoms, a young man walked into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacists, “Hey, I’ve got a really hot date tonight, and I need some protection, you know?” The pharmacist handed him a pack of condoms. “Here you go, they cost $3.99 plus tax.”
“Tacks?!?” cried the young man, “I thought they stayed on by themselves!”

11

I guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the door which reads, “Easy money, inquire at the bar.” The guy asks the bartender, “What about the easy money?” The bartender says that there’s a jar behind the bar full of money. If you give me $10 I’ll put it in the jar. If you complete three difficult tasks, the money is yours.

What are the tasks? The guy asks.

You have to pay first then I’ll tell you.

What’s the pot up to?

Just over $2000.

The guy hands him a ten dollar bill and the bartender gives the three tasks.

First you have to go the big guy at the end of the bar. He’s a former boxer. You have to knock him out.

Then you have to go to the first room down that hall. There’s a pit-bull down there with a rotten tooth. He’s very agitated because of this. You have to pull that tooth.

In the next room down, there’s a nun. If you can convince her to break her vow of celibacy, you win the money.

The guy scoffs at this idea. It is obviously too difficult for anyone to achieve the three tasks. He orders a drink and fumes over his lost $10.

A few hours and several drinks later the guy finally announces “Fine, you’re on!”

He staggers down to the end of the bar and taps the boxer on the shoulder. As the boxer turns around, he puts all his weight into one punch. He connects with a solid punch and falls over the bar. The boxer is knocked out cold.

The guy then walks down the hall into the first room - knocking over chairs as he goes.
He shuts the doors and sounds start emanating from the room. First there’s growling and barking. Then there’s the sound of the man screaming. Finally after some time the dog starts yelping. The guy opens the door and collapses into the hallway. He is visibly exhausted. His clothes are torn and he is bloodied and covered in scratches and bite marks.

After a few minutes, he regains his composure, looks up the bartender and says, “OK, where’s the nun with the bad tooth?”

12

Two New York City Irishmen, Pat and Mike, are working a construction job across from a known house of ill repute when who should approach but a fine Hasidic rabbi. As the rebbe enters the bordello, Pat looks to Mike and tsk-tsks, “Some fine man of God he be, eh?”

A few minutes later, a fine Buddhist monk approaches the brothel, knocks, and is greeted at the door by one of the ladies. This time, Mike chuckles, “Some renouncer of the pleasures of the flesh he turned out to be!”

Not long after, a fine Catholic priest makes his appearance on the scene. Pat and Mike look at each other and simultaneously exclaim, “Faith and begorra, the madame must have called Father Clancy over to give someone the last rites!”

13

A man and his wife are trying to smuggle a skunk across the border.

W: How will we smuggle it across?

H: I know! Stick it down your pants!

W: But what about the smell?

H: Well… We could put a clothespin on its nose!

14

Along those same lines…

God was walking through the Garden of Eden one day when he ran into Adam. “How’s it going?” asked God.
“Great!” said Adam.
“So, have you guys had sex yet?” asked God.
“Well, yeah, actually,” said Adam, “We just did. Eve is just cleaning up in the river.”
“Oh, no!” said God, “Now I’ll never get that smell out of the fish.”

15

I’d just like to say I love dopers!

These are great!
keep 'em coming.

lebeef
yanceylebeef

16

Okay, yanceylebeef, don’t keep us in suspense. How did the show go? Which jokes did you use? How did the audience like them?

17

The show went great!

I used two from The Wierd One ,both of the short ones from you, Spoon, and many of the Rodney Dangerfield lines that Elendil’s Heir pointed out. I found some Uncle Milty quotes on line, and “borrowed” some of those.

The shorter ones seemed to fit the format better, the girls were opening for a band, so they only had about four acts, total.

I’ll be emceeing the christman show on the 16th at the Oriental theater if any Denver Dopers want to come out.

Thanks again for everything guys!