I got these via email today, there was a note at the bottom that said you have to share it with five people or you will never get laid again. I am taking no chances, I figure that since I am sharing it with the Teeming Millions I should have all I want for several years.
TOP 9 SEX JOKES
#9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman eside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as >your breast, Iknow you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
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># 8
>A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” he bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my >first blowjob.”
>“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
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>#7
>A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”
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># 6
One night, as a couple lay down for
bed, the husband gently
>taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife
turns over
and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got
a gynaecologist
appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected,
turns over and
tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and
taps his wife
again. This time he whispers in her
ear: “Do you have a
dentist
appointment
tomorrow too?”
#5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He
had been employed there
for a
number of years when he came home
one day to confess to his
wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis
into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested
that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he’d be
too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One
day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashen. His
wife
could see at once that something was
seriously wrong.
What’s wrong, Bill?" she asked. “Do
you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill,
you didn’t.” “Yes, I
>did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.” “No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the
pickle slicer?”
Oh…she got fired too."
>
#4
A man was visiting his wife in
hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this
>visit he decides to
>rub her left breast instead of just
talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a
good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and
rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the
doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and
he doesn’t want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in
then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet
and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks
what happened to which
the man replies: “She choked.”
> > >>>************************************************************
#3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet
alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He
turns to the
astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a
deal. I’ll open this
alligator’s mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He’ll then open
his mouth and I’ll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of
you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the
alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard
on the top of its
the man removed his
>>>genitals unscathed as promised. The
crowd cheered and the
first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. “I’ll
pay anyone $100 who’s
willing to give it a try”. A hush
fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try,
but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle”.
> > >
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#2
A small white guy goes into an
elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing
next to him. The big
black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says: “7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown” The
small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the
small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and
shaking him and asks
the small white guy. “What’s
wrong?”. The small white guy
says; “Excuse me but what did you
say?” The big black dude
looks down and says “7 foot tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, my name is Turner
Brown.” The small white guy says,
“Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around. '”
> > >>>***********************************************************
#1
There was this couple who had been
married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife,
“Just think, honey,
we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied,
Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this
breakfast table together." “I know,”
the old man said, “We
were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered,
“What do you say…should
we get naked?” Where upon the two
stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. “You know,
honey,” the little old
lady breathlessly replied,“My
nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be
surprised,” replied Gramps. "One’s
in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!
