The top nine (adults only)

I got these via email today, there was a note at the bottom that said you have to share it with five people or you will never get laid again. I am taking no chances, I figure that since I am sharing it with the Teeming Millions I should have all I want for several years.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman eside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as >your breast, Iknow you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
># 8
>A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” he bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my >first blowjob.”
>“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
>A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”
># 6
One night, as a couple lay down for
bed, the husband gently
>taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife
turns over
and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got
a gynaecologist
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected,
turns over and
tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and
taps his wife
again. This time he whispers in her
ear: “Do you have a
tomorrow too?”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He
had been employed there
for a
number of years when he came home
one day to confess to his
wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis
into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested
that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he’d be
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashen. His
could see at once that something was
seriously wrong.
What’s wrong, Bill?" she asked. “Do
you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill,
you didn’t.” “Yes, I
>did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.” “No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the
pickle slicer?”
Oh…she got fired too."

A man was visiting his wife in
hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this
>visit he decides to
>rub her left breast instead of just
talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a
good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and
rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the
doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and
he doesn’t want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in
then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet
and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks
what happened to which
the man replies: “She choked.”
> > >>>************************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with a pet
alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He
turns to the
astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a
deal. I’ll open this
alligator’s mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He’ll then open
his mouth and I’ll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of
you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the
alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard
on the top of its
the man removed his
>>>genitals unscathed as promised. The
crowd cheered and the
first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. “I’ll
pay anyone $100 who’s
willing to give it a try”. A hush
fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try,
but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle”.

> > >
> > >>>***************************************************************
A small white guy goes into an
elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing
next to him. The big
black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says: “7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown” The
small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the
small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and
shaking him and asks
the small white guy. “What’s
wrong?”. The small white guy
says; “Excuse me but what did you
say?” The big black dude
looks down and says “7 foot tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, my name is Turner
Brown.” The small white guy says,
“Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around. '”
> > >>>***********************************************************
There was this couple who had been
married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife,
“Just think, honey,
we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied,
Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this
breakfast table together." “I know,”
the old man said, “We
were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered,
“What do you say…should
we get naked?” Where upon the two
stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. “You know,
honey,” the little old
lady breathlessly replied,“My
nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be
surprised,” replied Gramps. "One’s
in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!

Boo! Go back to Russia!

[singing]Chestnuts roasing on an open flame war…[/singing}

What did I do wrong ? I didn’t say you had to send it to anyone, I didn’t even say I actually thought that was true ( I know I am not the smartest doper on the board, but damn, even I am smarter than that) . I just liked the jokes and thought I’d share.

::crawling back into cave::

Number 8 was particularly nasty, thank you.

Just a slight hijack, but this post of Ayeshas is number 1614, The same number as the Circuit City I work in.

Ayesha, I liked 'em! I think I’ll send this to Mom!

I’m in full support of this thread! The only beef is that all the damn typos and >> marks weren’t edited. Keep 'em coming, one can never read too many jokes, even if you already know 'em all.

Ayesha, it wasn’t actually that bad. A few were funny, some really stunk (like #1.) I meant what I wrote above as a joke, sorry if it went over the wrong way.

Hey, I laughed! 7 of them were new to me, so, thanks!

snicker Thanks Ayesha.

A couple more “quickies”…

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing & gargling.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie,” only you do it yourself.


nice. Number 4’s my favorite.

That reminds me of the parrot…

Man walks into a pet store, wants an unusual pet. Storekeeper says, I have a great parrot. Hold a cigarette lighter under his left foot, he sings “Jingle Bells”. Under his right foot, he sings “Silent Night”. Try him, his name is Chet.

The man holds a light under his left foot, he sings "Jingle Bells"
The man holds a light under his left foot, he sings "Silent Night".

He wonders if what happens if he hold the light under both feet, but he turns the flame a little high, and hears “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”

So there was this guy on the beach sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”

“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”

After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke it’s neck, cracked it’s eggs, and set it’s nest on fire.”

Well I’m shocked!! My dear, sweet Ayesha posting such things :wink:

Whoa… flashback! I think I first heard that sometime around 4th grade, along with “Johnny Diggerdeeper” and all the jokes involving showering with one of your parents then seeing them in bed, and making various car analogies.


Good jokes.

I’ve heard #7, but with another zinger. The statistician gives the first two examples, but also a third, that southern men are considered to have more staying power. The guy then says “Hi, I’m Tonto Kowalski, but my friends call me Bubba.”

None of my friends call me…


A backpacker is enjoying a nice walk through the Italian countryside and sees a frowning man sitting on a wall.

Backpacker- Why so glum on such a beautiful day?
Man- Do you see this wall I’m sitting on? I build this wall with my own two hands. Took me 3 weeks but DO THEY CALL ME LUIGI THE WALL BUILDER? NO!!!
Backpacker- Emm.
Man- Do you see that path? I build that path with my own two hands. Took me 4 months but DO THEY CALL ME LUIGI THE PATH BUILDER? NO!!!
Man- That house at the top of the hill. I build it with my own two hands. Took me 2 years but DO THEY CALL ME LUIGI THE HOUSEBUILDER? NO!!!

Yes dear Sue, I know ** you ** are ! :wink:

I am deeply offended by this thread.

I did give a warning in the thread title that it contained adult material. But I apoligise if it offended you.