When overhearing arguments between people who maintain that it is best to wait until marriage to have sex,and those who maintain that it doesn’t matter, I’ve often heard the pro-premarital-sex side say something to the effect “…yeah, but you’ve got to find out if you’re sexually compatible first…”.
Q:Is there any sound basis to this assertion, or is it just a lame excuse to justify their chosen course of action?
But please, I’m not wanting to start a debate on whether one should or shouldn’t wait until marriage, that can happen in another thread.
I don’t know if there’s any meaning in the phrase “sexual compatibility” specfically, but, IMHO, sex is an important part of a relationship, and to not explore that part of the relationship before deciding to spend your whole life with that person seems silly to me.
I think this is probably the notion people are trying to communicate when they’re talking about Sexual Compatibility.
Many seem to imply the meaning as being- “If your good in bed, then I can spend the rest of my life with you. But if you are inept I don’t want anything to do with you”
So much for love and personality compatability deciding if a person is right for them.
Well I cannot offer a Cite. But I can say that Of my many women friends, Three of them feel exactly that way. (of course thats like a 1 in 6 type of thing). And I did say MANY. which of course is not ALL.
So I was not being unfair. Just offering a viewpoint that three women friends and just about every single guy friend of mine share.
I was just trying to save this thread from some strife by getting your information out of you peacefully before someone else tries to accomplish the same with harsher methods. My kneejerk response was a pre-emptive jerk against other kneejerking jerks, if that makes sense (and even if it does not).
I could be in the wrong though, and my small sampling of viewpoints are an anomoly. But thats why I’m here. To be corrected if I am wrong, To learn what I don’t know, And to offer my perspective on things in case it might help.
To the OP. I would say that not everybody uses that excuse, even though those that wait untill they are married are rare. As to it being lame, well, it is just the way society sees it. Things change, even morals.
I don’t think that anyone has to “justify” their chosen course of action. But anyway, I’d say there’s at least some basis to the idea. Sex is a huge, integral part of marriage. To be committed to someone for many long years if they don’t satisfy you (or are just completely inept) would put terrific strain on the relationship. Love and personality compatability, etc. are vitally important, of course, but to dismess the sexual aspect of a marriage is silly.
Speaking from experience here, I was in a relationship with a man who was wonderful in almost every way, but terrible in bed. Just plain bad. I wound up avoiding physical intimacy when I could because it was unpleasant. Now imagine winding up in that situation when you’ve already agreed to spend the rest of your life together… it’s a recipe for unhappiness, on both sides.
It seems to me that 99.9% of the time sexual compatability can be acertained through conversation and observation as well as through intercourse. I do think that couples ought to talk about sex before they getr married, whether or not they actually have it, so as they can discover that one person is anticipating missonary sex twice a month and the other already has the handcuffs and bullwhips picked out. When expectations about the role of sex in the relationship are roughly equal, I have troube believing that hardly any two well meaning adults who were devoted to pleasing each other and who had good communications skills could not grow into sexual compatibility. Now, that dosen’t mean it is going to be heavenly choirs singing right from the get-go–sometimes it takes a while to get the rhythem d0own, so to speak, but in the long haul, I don’t think people who abstain from sex prior to marrige are shooting themselves in the foot.
If sex is great, it’s only 10% of a relationship – but if it’s bad, it becomes 90% of the relationship.
I’ve certainly known men I could never have “communicated” into good sex. And it’s during sex that you often find out negative things about someone he or she might be hiding otherwise: a deep selfishness, cruelty, arrogance, a need to dominate, a certain darkness… Sometimes that’s when the scary things show up, when they can’t be hidden.
If the potential partners don’t have sex before marriage, that would mean they wouldn’t know from missionaries or stiletto heels or the bishop and the choirboy. The clear implication is that they would have to be virgins. Two virgins might actually pull this off, and learn together. But if you’ve been around the block, and and especially if your potential partner has, you’d be very well served to be experientially sure of where your mutual trip is likely to take you. It could be merely a boring place, or it could be the black hole of Calcutta. This at least gives you the opportunity to try to fix things before you make a lifelong promise. Or if necessary, to run screaming for the nearest exit before you’re in too deep.
As I told my son while we were discussing sex and marriage,
“Don’t worry, the parts will fit.”
Everyone has a rationalization for their opinion,
including me. See below.
So let’s consider a couple beyond childbearing years (as a couple.)
Should they abstain until marriage?
Naw, but it would make the ceremony more meaniful.
But gee whiz, the ceremony of marriage is a commitment to each other, in many ways, one of which is s-e-x.
Commitment means communication, including in bed.
Why dismiss someone as a life partner for a process that requires years of communication brought about because of a commitment?
I came from a relationship of 8 years where the sex was…terrible? Abominable? It put a terrible strain on the relationship. No matter how much you try to rationalize it, feeling like your mate sees you as physically unattractive and sexually inept makes you want to put a gun to your head sometimes.
Now I am in a relationship that features “8th Wonder of the World” sex. Top that off with the fact that I love the person so much that she makes me feel like I am 15 or 16, and I feel like I have never loved anyone or been loved myself before…and it makes things so nice.
If you are not sexually compatible, in your needs and ability to take care of the other, then your relationship, IMO, is starting off only firing on 3 cylinders. Not that sex is necessary or required at all, mind you, so long as your needs and wants and abilities are compatable with each other.
I think sexual compatibility is very important. One should, IMHO, take the car around the block and make sure that there is every option you would want. YMMV.
“Yeah, but you wouldn’t buy a dress without trying it on, would you?”
to which the reply was:
“well, yes, but who wants a dress that everyone else has tried on?”
which amused me somewhat.
Do you think that the kind of innocence that often goes hand-in-hand with the principles of those who choose to wait might significantly reduce the likelihood that either of them wants the kinky stuff?
Do you think that couples who do have sex before marriage might be less likely to discuss their desires and expectations?
Do you think that generally there’s too much of people trying to justify their decisions (either way)? i.e.:
“God expects it of me” - when you really mean “I don’t think it’s proper or decent”
and
“You’ve got to find out…” - when you really mean “look, I just want to”
(please don’t flame me; I’m trying hard to keep an open mind on this subject, even though my own choice was to wait)
There’ve been a couple of women I had sex with that would not have been able to satisfy me in a long-term relationship. I’m not terribly choosey, but I expect certain things from a lover. One of the girls had never had an orgasm. She did not enjoy sex, she only had it to either make someone she cared about happy or to get them to do what she wanted. Knowing that, I would not be happy in a long-term relationship with her.
Well, sometimes it is. Sometimes it is because of a physiological reason, sometimes it is because of phychological trauma. My Ex, for all my trying (and Great Jesus, there was a LOT of trying, in every way imaginable) maybe had 2-3 orgasms from me over an 8-year period. She hated sex, and used it to get what she wanted. It was very demeaning and made me feel less than human. Of course, with her vibrator she could have 20 a week. Just never (well, almost never, if I even believe the 2-3) with me.
And thank Goddess, now I know it was not me. Oh, how I know it was not me.
