Share your experiences with parents who spoil their children

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

That’s true, olivesmarch4th. It is a good distinction to make, although spoiled and unprepared often go hand-in-hand, in my experience.

Oh, that’s so frustrating. Poor kid you! A lot of people don’t realize that how to clean a room is not necessarily obvious. If you’ve never done it before, of course you need someone to say, “First, pick up your toys and put them in your toybox. Then, put your laundry in the hamper. Then, make your bed. Then, vaccuum the floor.”

Your idea of achievable goals is great. “Put all the toys in the toybox” is something any little kid can do. “Clean your room” is so much vaguer and harder-sounding.

62

I had a friendly acquaintance in college who had this problem. Her family consists of her parents, her, and her brother. The friend worked during high school to save enough money to apply to and go to college. When she left, her parents weren’t pleased, and of course, she was blamed for not wanting to immediately marry and make babies instead of getting an education. She didn’t ask her parents for any money, and became completely financially independent once she left the house. They still completely disapprove of her success, as her lifestyle does not follow what they expected of her. The brother is a complete screw-up; he sells drugs, hasn’t finished school, and mooches off of the parents, and somehow is the golden boy. He can do no wrong, and somehow the parents think that saying things like “why can’t you be good like your brother?” is going to make her come home and settle down with the boy that they choose.

63

Going to college and meeting kids who received a Porsche 911 or BMW for high school graduation. I couldn’t and still can’t fathom why a parent would do that. Hell, they were graduating from a California high schools! At most, you only deserved a Chevy Chevette or a Yugo.

64

The spoiled child I dealt with was my best friend when I was a kid. She was the youngest of four children and was spoiled rotten. She never had to do chores. Her mother cleaned her room for her. I never seen that girl lift a finger.

I remember her biggest problem with being spoiled was her tendency to be a picky eater. She would say she didn’t like something. Then she would try it at my house and say she liked it and then insist her mother buy the same brand we had. I don’t care what it was. Spaghetti sauce, mac and cheese, cereal etc. I can hear it like it was yesterday her mother calling her for dinner.

Mom: “KAREN, TIME FOR DINNER”
Karen: “WHAT ARE WE HAVING?”
Mom: “PORK CHOPS”
Karen: “I DON’T LIKE PORK CHOPS”
Mom: “WE ARE HAVING MAC AND CHEESE TOO”
Karen: “THE KIND MRS. SOMEUSERNAME HAS?”
Mom: “YEAH”
Karen: “OKAY, I AM COMING”

Ever single day this happened. Sometimes it went like this.

Mom: “KAREN, TIME FOR DINNER”
Karen: “WHAT ARE WE HAVING?”
Mom: “PORK CHOPS”
Karen: “I DON’T LIKE PORK CHOPS”
Mom: “WE ARE HAVING MAC AND CHEESE TOO”
Karen: “THE KIND MRS. SOMEUSERNAME HAS?”
Mom: “YEAH”
Karen: “I AM NOT HUNGRY”
Mom: “KAREN”
Karen: “I AM NOOOOT COMING”

Then Karen’s mom would come out and walk over to where we were playing.

Mom: Karen, it is time for dinner
Karen: I don’t want that stuff
Mom: You said you liked Kraft Mac and Cheese
Karen: Not anymore
Mom: Then you can have cereal or something
Karen: I want chicken noodle soup
Mom: Okay come in when your ready

Every single day!

There were many times I just wished when her mom called her for dinner I would hear “Okay I’m coming”

I think children should do at least some chores. Even if it is only keeping their own room clean.

I had to do chores when I was a kid. Both of my parents worked full time so my brother and I traded dishes during the week and my mother did them on the weekends.

Every weekend we had a chore list to do. Mom would make a list for stuff for us to do and all chores had to be completed before going out to play. The longer we took to do the chores the less playtime we had. We swept, mopped, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, wiped counters etc. She always tried to make them even and fair. At one point she wrote the chore on small slips of paper and had us pick out the slips from a jar, so you did not know what chores you had until you pulled it out. I guess she was trying to make it more fun.

My kids had to do these same type of chores too. The only difference is that I split them up to cover a week so there was not 10 chores to do all on a Saturday. They had all week to get theirs done but come Saturday what ever was left had to be done before play.

By the time my kids turned teenagers they were basically self sufficient. They did all their own laundry. They both knew how to cook and clean. Now they were not making full course meals but they were not going to starve either and they have picked up more along the way. My daughter can make a full meal now with sides. In fact one of my favorites is breaded pork chops. My son is more of packaged dinner sort of cook, but never the less he can feed himself.

My son has left the nest and I am sure his room is a mess. No amount of teaching that boy how to do chores or asking to clean up after himself has every worked. He pays his buddies sister to clean his room for him.

Now my daughter is still at home. I don’t have to give her chores. She always keeps her room clean. If she sees the floor needs swept or the dishes need done she just does them on her own. I rarely have to ask her to pitching and help with cleaning.

Oh and neither of my kids can iron. They never had anything that needed to be ironed and I don’t own anything that needs to be ironed.

65

When I was a kid I was involved in so many extracurriculars that I didn’t have time for chores. I was responsible for doing the dishes and that was pretty much it. However, I was taught from a very young age to pick up after my self and the only room that was “mine” was my bedroom. If I brought toys into the living room they had to be back in my room when I was done. My bedroom was a sty. Absolutely horrible. Trying to get me to clean my room was tantamount to declaring war against my stubborn kid self. When told to clean my room I would sit on my bed and whine for hours, if necessary. My parents fixed that by cleaning my room for me. I was left with my bed, my dresser, clothes, and a couple of toys. Nothing else. Suffice it to say I learned the hard way to keep my room passably clean.

Was I spoiled? Kind of. We never had the “best” of everything, but I never wanted for anything. They made sure my sister and I knew the value of things and to appreciate what we did have. That did not stop me for completely screwing up with finances when I turned 18. Every company just started handing me credit cards and I went nuts. See, in all they taught of valuing things, they did not teach me what it took to attain said things without completely screwing my credit.

With The Kid I used to be pretty hard nosed about her cleaning her room, allowance based on chores done, etc etc. Not so much any more. Her room is her room. If she wants clean clothes, it’s her responsibility to get them into the communal laundry. And if she “forgets” about her most prized pair of jeans? Too bad. I will not wash just one item. This past spring she had major ant problems in her room. She learned the hard way that she cannot have soda, candy, plates of food laying around.

I look at it as “This is our house and we both play a part in keeping it livable”. She’s 13 - she can do many things but the only thing I require of her is the dishes. Yesterday she wanted McDonald’s for dinner. I do not like McD’s and my going there just for her is kinda a big deal (akin to going to WalMart). So, in exchange for my picking up McD’s for her, she cleaned and organized the linen closet.

She is slightly spoiled, and that is my fault. She has a cell phone and an mp3 player - but they’re not the Razr and iPod versions. She knows I can’t afford the super namebrand stuff and she should be happy to have what she does have. She would rather shop secondhand for clothes as she knows she can buy better name brand stuff and more of it than if we went to Macy’s. When we do go shopping I give her a set limit, $25 at Borders, or 2 pairs of jeans at Platos Closet. She tries for extra, and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t and whatever I have allowed decreases each whine. The last time we were at Borders she had three books she “Needed”. Then she started whining about a CD she also “Needed”. No one needs a CD. One warning, next one you’re down to $20. She was very happy to get the three books and will wait for the next time we’re there for the CD. Of course we have had a few instances where she’s left with nothing.

It is very difficult to discuss financial matters with her. I have a hard time saying “We’re too broke for that”. But I do. She’s taken classes at the credit union about money management and that has also helped. I hope she will get along decent as an adult. She can cook, she can do laundry if I’m in the basement with her, she knows which end of the vaccuum is up.

66

My parents had a similar system, and, luckily enough for them, I was not only the last child but one of the most curious ones. I learned cooking partially through observation and partially through trying things out on my own or helping when we were making more complicated meals. I never really had any regular chores or a regular allowance, but I was expected to help out around the house. When we had a dog, I’d walk the dog after school and make sure that he got fed once I was old enough to walk him. I’d help unload groceries from the car and bring them into the house, and put things away when I was done with them; I didn’t do a lot of dishwashing until I got older, but I was trained to bring my plates to the sink and my dirty laundry to the proper hamper. (Before my parents divorced, they had a three basket laundry system: whites, darks, and “neither white nor dark.” Even though I didn’t start out doing my own laundry, I knew how to separate it into loads.) I even had a subtle lesson in not being territorial with things or spaces (When we had more guests than spare beds, I got booted to a couch or [in later years] to my mom’s room. No biggie.) that are not explicitly mine. It helped a lot when transitioning to dorm life in college.

I remember going to college and discovering that, not only did a lot of kids (especially the wealthier ones) not know how to cook, but they didn’t know how to do laundry or clean up after themselves. It did baffle me, and eventually I ended up using my rudimentary cooking and cleaning skills to either help a friend not be afraid of cooking* or to take advantage of an annoying roommate’s slovenly behavior.** I did, however, hear horror stories from friends and acquaintances of having to live with roommates in a one-room dorm setup where the roomie’s side had a floor covered in dirty panties, week-old food plates, wrappers, and other things that attract roaches. I sincerely have to wonder how they dealt with this before they resorted to getting a roommate exchange.

[sub]*His family had three boys, all of which were shooed out of the kitchen for fear of the house going up in flames. After a few times of us hanging out and making something simple in the dorms, he started cooking on his own when we moved into an apartment with other friends. He’s now quite the adventurous
cook, and I feel proud for having introduced the world of culinary arts to him.
**I was still living in the dorms and was assigned to a “mini townhouse” style dorm that housed four girls, myself included. Two of the other girls knew how to clean up after themselves, but the third roommate would leave dishes and such in the sink for three weeks at a time. After three weeks, I cleaned all her dishes (except for the ones that broke under the weight in the sink), dried them, put them on the kitchen table, and left her a note saying she owed me $10 for the service. She initially was quite happy, but got pissed when she saw that I wanted some reward for cleaning up after her. Thank Og she didn’t spend much time in the dorms.[/sub]

Oh, and as for ironing, I knew the basics of it (through observation), but I didn’t have much that needed ironing when I was younger. It actually wasn’t until my senior year of college (about two years ago) that I had anything that would need ironing on a regular basis, but I manage to iron pretty well because I knew the “theory” of how it’s done.

I think that not preparing a child to become an adult who can handle household chores and finances is putting the child at a disadvantage, but when it’s paired with someone who’s used to getting everything they desire or not having to do anything without parental help, you start to see spoiled kids who become spoiled adults. One can give their kids a lot of stuff without spoiling them, and one can also forget to teach the skills required to be independent without spoiling them, but it’s all about the relationship that the kid has with their parents in regard to this and all other aspects of that relationship. Kids who are the bosses in their families are not learning to be anything but spoiled.

67

Oh, and to add to my post. The Kid recently spent 10 days with her best friend and her family. I like her friend - very pleasant, eloquent, not overly horrible for a teenaged girl. At least when I’ve been around her.

The Kid came home and thanked me for raising her “right”. It seems that the best friend is a bit of a PITA in their family dynamics. Her mom jellied her toast too heavily. Rather than just scraping it off, the friend pitched a hissy and refused to eat the toast. The Kid said with a very serious face “Mom, it was TOAST. Just TOAST. She wouldn’t put jelly on her own TOAST.”

The friend is vegetarian. No problem, when she is over I make sure what we have is vegetarian friendly as much as possible. I have told her though that if she decides last minute to come over I will not change the menu and I will not tolerate nasty anti-meater comments if her visit coincides with us eating roast or whatever. At her family vacation she whined everytime the guys went fishing, made snarky comments when everyone but her was eating pork chops (her mom had made her pasta but she didn’t like it so she felt the need to take it out on everyone else), and burst into tears when The Kid and the friends’ brother were discussing KFC.

The Kid realized that I have been doing something right (!!) in how I have raised her. For me that was a HUGE compliment.

68

I never get this. I don’t run a restaurant, you eat what I cook or go hungry. Now that the kids are older we do try to honor their food preferences (my son doesn’t like beans, so chili isn’t on the menu often). I remember one day I cooked a chicken pot pie that my son turned his nose up at. I said, “Fine, go hungry.” About an hour later he finished off what was left.

I had some old friends over for dinner once, made a lovely pot roast in the crock pot (the kind that falls apart once you’re done cooking) and one of the girls turned her nose up at it, and her mom asked me if she could made her a PB&J sandwich. I was taken aback, but I told her to go ahead.

I think some parents find it easier to give in than to stand their ground.

69

I will admit to giving in on this. I remember the hours spent by myself at the kitchen table “thinking of the poor starving children in Ethiopia” while my plate of whatever I refused to eat sat and congealed in front of me.
(Once and ONLY once did I offer to send them my dinner. I also did not sit down for a few hours)

I am a picky eater. So is The Kid. It is not uncommon for us to have different things for dinner. However, if I have made a menu plan with stuff I know she will eat and she chooses not to partake, she’s on her own for dinner.

70

As a kid I never got it and as parent I even understand it less. I won’t force my child to eat something they don’t like but I did encourage then to at least try it.

My parents used to force me to remain at the table and finish spinach or beets that I could barely stand the smell of much less eat.

I refused to do that with my kids. I think it was cruel.

I made the meals so I knew they would at least eat some part of it but if there were times like in your example of chili. My son does not like it at all so I would just throw some hotdogs in a pan and he could eat those and we could have chili dogs.

Now if my son refused to eat something that I know he ate before and he now insisted he hated it then he can go hungry.

In Karens case it was not the food it was her being a brat. She liked the mac and cheese it was the fact she just didn’t want it right then so she became ‘difficult’ so her mother would cave and give her want she wanted rather than what was prepared.

71

I would say it was more like she was raised with perfect vision, then her parents poked her eyes out and sent her out in the world, and didn’t understand why she was fumbling around and making a mess of things.

72

My mother made me do this with broccoli. I would sit there, choking down broccoli that had gone cold, trying not to vomit.

I loathe eggs. The mere smell of them cooking makes me want to vomit. My grandmother thought it the height of fun to deliberately cook an egg-heavy dish (quiche, for instance) and send me to bed without dinner when I refused to eat it.

People have food preferences, I get it. My children are old enough now to know what they like and don’t like, and I try not to prepare stuff I know they hate. But I have to know they don’t like it, not that they just don’t feel like eating that particular food today.

73

Well, that implies her parents did something deliberately, rather than fail to do something. She was born without knowledge of something, and her parents did nothing to prepare her for it.

74

You may not want a bathroom cleaned by a five year old. I have my kids clean the bathroom - but they are really really excited (even at seven and eight) by spraying the cleaner. Doing things like making sure the base of the toilet bowl actually gets wiped - not so much. The toilet brush is way cool - keeping the water in the toilet, much more optional than ideal.

My kids don’t have formal chores, but they do pitch in - however, it often means making sure that they don’t hog certain duties - i.e. every other week it had better be MOM cleaning the bathroom or mopping the floor.

It can be more work to get kids - particularly young kids - to do chores than just doing it yourself. If you are time strained as it is, you may choose to take a pass - that may not be the best thing for your kids - especially if you never come back around when they are more capable - but it may not mean you are spoiling them.

75

The worst spoiling I can think of is my sister’s nephew (my brother in law’s sister’s son).

I don’t deal with this kid often, my sister had to. Now, not so much.

The kid would come visit in the Twin Cities. My brother in law would take him to the baseball game, he’d take him to the zoo, they’d go for ice cream, they’d go to the amusement park. Eventually, of course, he came to believe he was entitled to this.

My sister and family move to the middle of nowhere - no zoo, no amusement park. Her nephew comes to visit and sulks “why don’t we go anyplace anymore” (its FIVE HOURS AWAY NOW). This isn’t a little kid - the kid is 13 now. And when he sulks, his mother puts him in the car and takes him home - doesn’t matter if my sister has been cooking for an extra four people - they just get up and leave because the kids are bored and want their own toys - there is a sister, too - not as bad as the boy. (This leads to the “not so much” on the having to deal with them, particularly since my sister had kids of her own - suddenly not only are they bored, but they aren’t the center of everyone’s world trying to keep them from not being bored).

They’ve been known to last ten minutes before Sulky has them going back home (they also live in the middle of nowhere - about half an hour away).

The family has maybe a total of three dimes to rub together, but Sulky has every video game console known to man and Sister Sulky has American Girl dolls <- note the “s”. This is through the generousity of their grandmother, who has Alzheimers, doesn’t recognize any of them, and can’t write a check any longer - but their mother can write checks on the checkbook so Grandma buys her kids a lot of gifts.

76

I was probably extremely spoiled when it came to food-- though I’m an adventurous eater so it never manifested itself as a problem. Both of my parents were raised in “You will eat what is on the table even if you hate it” households, and were none the better for the experience. My Dad loves to cook*, and cook experimentally, so dinner tended to be democratic. He’d ask us what we all thought about what he felt like making the next day. If it was something we’d never had before, the rule was you had to take 3 bites and then you could have something else. Didn’t happen often, though, he was a good cook, and was very respectfull of the short list of things I don’t like. I actually think teaching your kids to try anything without fear is very good.

But then, I may have just been like that naturally and my Dad got lucky, because my little sister was a gratingly picky eater, and all she wanted to eat was stuff like hot dogs and chicken fingers. Dining out with her was a pain, because my mother would bend over backwards to accomodate her when she stared whining and complaining.
*This was the one bit of help I did-- wasn’t allowed near the stove, but I can prep ingredients and trim meat like a master. After that, well. . . I’m learning.

77

This is something I have had a difficult time with. I absorbed my own Mother’s belief that “If it’s not done my way it’s not done right!” and learning to handle the halfassed kid cleaning versus “My Way” has not been easy.

I’m working on letting her do things her way, but then offering suggestions on how it may be done the next time. I have stopped following behind her and finishing - if she says she’s swept the bathroom and there’s still stuff on the floor, it will remain on the floor. But I will clean the bathroom the next time.

78

Heh. One time it was my turn to fold the dreaded WHITE LOAD, the one with 8,000 tiny items like underwear and socks. I sat at the dining-room table with that basket for hours. I WOULD NOT do it. My mom tried an ultimatum: You WILL fold that laundry before you go to bed tonight.

We were both up until oh, 3 am or so – me alternating between refusing to fold and crying over the injustice of it all. My mom yelled, cajoled, offered to fold one item to get me started. I forget how exactly it ended, but the laundry did get folded, my mom made me some pudding or something to calm me down, and I didn’t have to go to school the next morning because I hadn’t gotten any sleep.

I have no idea what was going on in my head that day. We were usually not allowed to get away with crap like that, and COME ON! It was a stupid load of laundry. Why I didn’t just fold the damn thing and grumble a bit, I have no idea. But I don’t think my mom pulled the ultimatum bit again. :smiley:

79

My mom ran a tight ship when my sister and I were growing up. Every weekend we had a list of chores: clean the bathrooms (shower, toilet, sink), wash our bedsheets, dust our rooms, vacuum our rooms, sweep and mop the living room floor, vacuum the stairs, bathe the dogs, and mop the porch. I had a piece of graph paper taped up behind my door with all my chores listed on it, and for a while my mom would inspect what we did and tick them off.

We also had day-to-day chores like setting the table, washing dishes, cleaning the countertops, cleaning up dog shit from the porch (our dogs were paper-trained), and helping fold the laundry.

And I’d say my sister and I were pretty spoiled, by most standards. We never had formal allowances, but when we were going out to the movies or dinner our parents would give us some money. I didn’t have a job until I graduated college (my sister waitressed), but I will say that I have an excellent work ethic and commitment to my job that no doubt comes largely from the discipline I learned doing chores around the house.

80

I’m reinforcing my role as the “tough dad”, while in my heart of hearts I know I’m really a softie. And I really don’t feel like eleven year olds need to have earrings. If she wanted them really badly I would most likely relent, but it’s not on her listen of urgent desires. Also, I finally gave in to the requests for a dog a little while ago and I like to spread these things out.