Share your experiences with parents who spoil their children

When I was a kid there were a lot of things that my folks made that I just could not eat. Sometimes it was textures, sometimes it was tastes, sometimes a combination of those. But you could have put a gun to my head and there’s a good chance I would not have been able to eat them. In several cases it involved my dad beating my ass with a belt because I couldn’t eat what they served. After a while I learned to chew stuff up and spit it in a napkin for later disposal if I found it particularly offensive. I’d choke down what I could.

As I grew older my sensibilities changed. Some of what my parents made, particulalry my mom, was just bad food. But I have a very sophisticated palate for food, I can taste ingredients and differences that many/most people would not notice. Now I’ve eaten many foods that I would never imagined eating back in the day… escargot, insects, sushi, innards, etc. Still can’t choke down calf’s liver, and prefer to avoid my parents’ meatloaf.

Because of those experiences, I just don’t bother with my son. I like to get him to at least try a nibble of things before he turns up his nose at it, but I know that certain (most) tastes and textures don’t appeal to him. Sometimes we just give him something different for dinner, sometimes we make him eat around us. For example, if we make phad bpai gaprow gai he just gets bits of chicken and rice. He is slowly coming around to some things on his own, like a few months ago when he blew us away by asking what shrimp tastes like, tried some fried shrimp, and decided he liked it. If I’d forced him to try shrimp, he’d have never gone for it. He still complains things have too much flavor and I keep meaning to test him to see if he’s a supertaster, but he is slowly expanding his list of acceptable foods.

Ivygirl got her ears pierced when she was 13. I considered it a “rite of passage” and we made a whole Ladies Day Out of it, including lunch at a real English tea room.

That “feels” like a good age to me, too, fwiw.

My SIL actually thought of it. Her girls are a few years younger, but they already know that will be their 13th birthday present. By 13 they’re old enough not to screech from the pinch of the needle and are able to take care of the holes until they heal.

Yes I had chores. With both Mom and Stepfather working, I had to learn to cook at a young age too. I was about 10 when I started cooking simple meals for the family from the Betty Crocker Kids cookbook.

I’m GLAD my Mother taught me to cook and clean and iron at a young age. I hate being dependent on anyone or anything. I have a friend who is 37 and can’t cook. That’s just crazy IMO.

I think that all kids should help around the house. There’s no reason the upkeep should fall on any one or two persons.

Okay, forget chores for a second. Let’s talk about material goods.

Several times, in this thread and the other, posters have cited the Cosby line: “WE have money; YOU have nothing.” But I’m not sure everyone defines “having” the same way.

Suppose you work hard all your life. Suppose that’s because you grew up in a crummy house in a crummy neighborhood and you didn’t have the newest latest, or perhaps even the serviceable functional. When you can afford to do so, you buy a big house with a big yard.

And it’s such a big house, with hardwood floors and a marble bathtub and so forth, that in order to keep it looking nice, you hire a maid service. And the yard is so big and has such complex landscaping that you hire a gardening service. And you have kids. And when they’re teenagers, you realize that they have never scrubbed a bathtub or mowed a lawn. Does that make them spoiled? Is any behavior of theirs that you don’t like directly attributable to their never having been made to do hard labor?

And suppose you have a home theater system, complete with plasma TV. Now, of course it’s not “theirs”, because they didn’t pay for it. But are they spoiled by virtue of having parents who own such a thing? Or do you forbid them to watch anything on the home theater, because it’s yours? The house has central air. Your childhood home did not have central air, so your kids are better off than you were. Does that mean they’re likely to be less motivated than you were, because they don’t have the carrot of “I’m going to work hard so that someday I’ll be able to afford central air”?

I can understand not indulging a child’s every whim. But if you want a nice house for yourself, I don’t see how you can avoid letting your kids benefit from it, short of making them live in a shanty on the edge of the property. So when they’re sixteen, if they’re not totally gung-ho about making their mark on the world, is that your fault because you didn’t provide them with a challenge? Or should they have intuited that all this is a privilege and they should be grateful for it? If all they’ve ever known is that Mary washes the dishes and Joe mows the lawn, does that make them spoiled? Mom and Dad aren’t doing those things either, so how were they supposed to know? Should you discontinue the maid and gardener services and tell your kids to do the work so that they’ll earn blisters and be motivated like you were?

I just don’t get the mentality of people who say, “I gave my kids everything and I don’t understand why they act so entitled.”

So… what’s a rolling boil?

[sub]Hey, nonnative English speaker, you know…[/sub]

My wife and her brother come from a well-off family. Not filthy rich, but growing up they had nice things, a cleaning service, their own cars in high school, that sort of thing. I wouldn’t say they’re spoiled at all. Hell, my wife handles all our finances because she’s better at it than me. And they do know how to do chores, even if they’d rather pay someone else to do some of them.

It’s when there are large steam bubbles escaping from the water.

Rilchiam, that’s a good question. I think it’s very important for kids to learn: 1) You have to clean up after yourself and 2) In a family, everybody contributes. Even if mom and dad employ a maid, I think that the children should still be responsible for keeping their rooms clean, putting their dishes in the washer after they have a snack, sweeping up if they knock over something, that kind of thing. “Everybody contributes” is a harder lesson to teach if the children aren’t, in fact, contributing to the well-being of the household.

I think it’s just “Sometimes the answer is no.”

I also made my daughter hold out until she was 13. When she was 16, she got her ears double pierced, but she stopped there.

Spoiled to me means this story:

I have a friend who is an excellent seamstress. She owns a serging machine as well as two other ones (I am a so-so sewer). When her daughter (only child) was 6, she wanted to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Ok, fine.
So, Mom went and bought satiny fabric, but in blue (her daughter picked it out–fair enough). She measured and pinned and tucked and basted etc. She sewed the ruching (is that the right word?) for the skirt–so it looked JUST like Belle’s–she even got a hoop. She even made her daughter a polar fleece cape to wear over this beautiful dress because it’s always cold here on Halloween. It was every little girl’s dream–and not just off the rack. The work was exquisite. It took her over a week to make.

Halloween day, the daughter tells her mom and dad that she doesn’t want to be Belle now. She wants to be a Dalmation from the movie, 101 Dalmations.

Do you know that woman let this girl stay home from school that morning, so that they could go get the supplies–black felt spots sewn onto white sweats --for the afternoon school party?

That is spoiled in my book.

My older sons all told me my youngest was the most spoiled kid ever. They started in on this when he was about two years old (and they were 16 and 18), how much more spoiled he was than they were.

It’s true that we had a lot more in the way of material things to give him.

But one day, or rather one night, when he was about four, it came home to me. He woke up crying. I went into his room. Between sobs, he told me what he was upset about. “My daddy…gave me some nice water…with ice in it…and now…I want a drink…but all the ice…is gone…”

Um, spoiled. I reacted rather badly. "You; woke me up crying; because your ice melted!!!???" Great galloping cats, his brothers were right. We had a little talk the next day about crying about stupid things and waking others up. And I have tried to do better.

So he has chores, he bitches about them but he does them. Every once in awhile he will say something to indicate he is “not my slave” and we have another little conversation, for instance, about whose job it is to make his bed, and how somebody always helps him, because it’s a loft bed and it’s hard to make. So does that make me his slave? No. Then why would it make him my slave if I ask him to feed the cats? (Of course when it comes to the cats we are all slaves.)

But unlike his brothers he has a Wii, he has every piece of sports equipment he’s ever wanted, he has a cell phone…kid is spoiled. But hopefully, not ruined.

We only had a house cleaner one day a week. Mom to me: “Clean up the house! Velma’s coming tomorrow!” Velma being our cleaning woman, in case it’s not obvious. You would think she was a guest, the way we cleaned before she got there.

I agree that not having to do all the chores does not constitute spoiled. I had to (splitting weeks with my brother) mop floors, empty trash, load/empty dishwasher (never had to wash dishes by hand except when camping and now that I’m on my own with no dishwasher–and glassware in the lab doesn’t count–but Boy Scouts can learn you real good), mow the lawn, dust, and so on, besides keeping my own room clean–well, by time I was a teenager, it was mostly “if you want to live in clutter, fine, but no dishes!” Sometimes I did my own laundry, sometimes it got thrown in with other things when others had a partial load. Didn’t do a lot of cooking, though I know how to and enjoy it (I miss not having some of the equipment Mom has) and rarely did any ironing, though at least I know the theory even if I’m a little weak on the practical. (I always manage to make a crease or something.) Never learned how to sew other than being able to put a button back on–last time I tried hemming my pants (college) was a disaster and one time I tried putting a patch on my Scout shirt I managed to sew the sleeve shut.

I’m 25, so I’m in the area before things like multiple TVs became really common. Didn’t get a TV of my own until high school, didn’t have a game system until my brother and I went in on a Playstation in 1997, but we did have the computer and Internet access (we had Prodigy for a while before the World Wide Web took off, and CompuServe for a little while as well, and Albuquerque had a really good local BBS in Albuquerque ROS even before that.) My parents still don’t have cable (and I don’t really blame them as I only have the dish for ESPN, MSNBC, Comedy Central, and Cartoon Network at this point.) Sure, they bought me a car when I turned 16, but this was a 1980 Volvo 245 in 1998 and it was as much for their convenience in not having to ferry me to Scouts and both of us to band practices as it was for me to have.

So, I think it’s not necessarily lack of chores nor do I think it’s necessarily a wealth of goods. I hope I can figure out what the heck they did before I have kids.

I never did any chores when I lived at home - neither did my sister. We were middle-middle class - dad was a policeman, mum was a housewife. We weren’t spoiled in the sense of having material things - quite the opposite - but, boy were we lazy. When i moved out on my own at 20, it was quite a shock to have to work everything out from scratch! Still, I managed, and now I can cook and clean with the best of them (because I like having a tidy and clean house and nice food to eat). Nothing like having to look after yourself to sharpen the cleaning skills!

My sister didn’t do as well as I did - her house is in a diabolical state all the time, and her kids are just the same.

My kids are also not spoiled materially (presents only on birthdays etc) but they also have a minimal amount of chores. They are expected to look after their things, keep their rooms tidy, feed the dog and make their own breakfast. My daughter is nearly 12 - she will soon be learning to iron and wash her clothes. She has an MP3 player and an old tv in her room.

The most spoiled kid I know is eight years old and has a Wii, PS2, tv and dvd player, trampoline, electric car, portable dvd (for in the car), BMX bike and sccoter. His mum can’t afford the downpayment on a house. I wonder why?

This may be a seperate thread, because its something I struggle with. We have two good incomes. We have two children. I don’t know that our children get everything they want, but they are “privileged” compared to many - they’ve been to Disney three or four times and have taken two cruises. They get new tennis shoes for the asking and both have several pairs (I still have them convinced Target and Kohls sell perfectly OK tennis shoes). My son has managed to acquire three skateboards. They both have their own computer and there is every game console known to man in our house (we don’t have a Playstation3 yet). The chores they need to do are pretty limited (though I didn’t rehire a housekeeper when the last one stopped cleaning for us - the kids were almost four and five and getting to the age where they needed to see and help clean). We live in a nice house. We fix problems with a checkbook. We eat dinner out far too often.

But we’ve looked at nicer houses and one thing keeping me away from the “faux chateau” is the thought that the kids wouldn’t “downsize” well when they needed to. We give them allowances and most of the video games in the house come from that (and I think the skateboards did to, but those came home during a Brainiac4 shopping trip). I could dress them “better” but buy a lot of their clothes at Target - I don’t need an eight year old who recognizes designer brands. Some of this is an intentional choice not to raise kids with “affluenza” - some of this is my own innate cheapness.

I really don’t think spoiling has anything at all to do with chores or material goods.

It has to do with protecting them from negative emotions. Life is unfair, it often sucks, and we have limited control (but are still responsible for our choices). People don’t want to admit that to themselves, much less let their children experience it. Parents do not want to feel powerless. So they raise their children in a cocoon of comfort that just isn’t real. It starts by not saying “No.”

I know someone who was quite spoiled, despite doing lots of chores and being poor. His mother fixed all of his problems for him. She preached to him that he was “special” and would someday rise to the top. He’s still waiting for that to happen.

I don’t think that you’ve avoided affluenza. It takes more than buying sixteen Target outfits instead of sixteen “designer” outfits to stay free of the disease (and I say this as a fellow sufferer, so I don’t mean to come off as self-righteous). The idea is not to not spend any money or even to live frugally, it’s to live simply and only spend money (and time) on things that are really worthwhile, that you need, and to make these choices mindfully. If you want your kids to learn to escape consumerism, the focus can’t be on cheap consumption. The lesson shouldn’t be work hard, save your allowance money, so that you can have three skateboards instead of one. It should be work hard, save your allowance money, and if you choose to buy something with it (instead of investing it, giving it to charity, etc.), then purchase something that is enduring. This doesn’t mean one can’t have any luxuries, but the luxuries should be bought with thought behind them instead of mindlessly piling up the goods.

My family is in the midst of this journey. Clothing is an issue for me. Toys are an issue for my kids (well, the older one…the younger one is content with my mixing bowls and a bunch of spoons). My husband and I have already discussed Christmas and decided to limit it to two toys per child and one $30 present for ourselves. We are able to afford a lot more, but is it really necessary? If we really think about, no it isn’t.

My kids are still small, so I can’t comment on how to make these values stick in the midst of all the consumerism that surrounds them. I have no idea how we’re going to deal with our kids being upset because they don’t have all the “toys” that other kids have, even though we can afford them. You’re right, this probably would make a good thread!

Rilchiam, I don’t think your example necessarily means spoiling. Wealthy families are going to have more material things than poorer families, but that doesn’t mean they will automatically raise spoiled children. Sure, their children will be more accustomed to having nicer things. Spoiling, to me, entails not teaching children the consequences of their actions, and that not every whim is going to be catered to.