In response to the class act/total bastard celebrity threads, what celebrities that you have you never met have been particularly nice or nasty to you?
I’ll start so that you can get the hang of it:
While I was a combination wallpaper hanger and chauffeur to Tom Bosley, he actually insisted that I stop at ever third homeless person so that he could get out of the car and take a piss on them. To do this discreetly he wore a full length red mink coat that he’d hold out while whizzing. Most disturbing was how he’d call his wife “Shortcake” and demand that she show strangers her left nipple, where he’d had a cameo of himself tattooed.
My father was first cousins with the identical twin of Dan “Hoss Cartwright” Blocker’s agent, and so from excellent sources I’ve heard that it was very well known that Blocker was obsessed with wanting to look, sound, and in all ways be just like Miss Barbara Stanwyk. On the set all extras and crew members were required to call him Miss Stanwyk, and he only consented to make love with his wife when he learned Stanwyk had affairs with women. He was an excellent pastry chef though, and always tipped $100 bills to men’s room attendants, though by all accounts they earned it as Dan “Miss Stanwyk” “Hoss” wouldn’t use the toilet, only slop jars, his way of staying in character as an 1860s rancher.
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I have heard from many people who channel her that Linda Lavin has a surgically added cloaca that she has nicknamed “Alice” and works into every single conversation.
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I was once at a party that Olivia Newton John attended. When her personal brought her a slice of lemon instead of a twist in her vitamin water, she cut his throat with her fingernails. He lived, but he’ll never work again— because of the references she gives him.
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I heard from his favorite aunt, who is my masseuse, that Matthew Perry is so closeted that he only has sex with blind Korean male escorts so that if they try to tell who they slept with he can claim “What do they know? They’re blind and Korean!” and if they still insist he’ll claim “It was David Schwimmer! They get FRIENDS stars confused!”
Once Tom Cruise thought I needed help at the airport and tried to take my bag from me. I kicked him in the crotch and slapped his face, real hard. I saw him later that week on Oprah and I think the reason he was jumping on the couch was because his groin still hurt him…
We went down to Kickapoo State Park in IL years ago and ran into Dick van Dyke, who was home visiting relatives in Danville. We still argue whether he made a pass at me or my husband. And that horrid Cockney accent he used in Mary Poppins? He uses it for pick up lines–at least he does in Danville!
I once hung up on Gene Siskel (before he died). Actually, that IS true.
Christopher Guest killed my father. I spent a decade hunting him down. I discovered that by coincidence his amp went to 11 like the number of fingers he had. So I shot him in revenge 11 times. Sadly he lived.
You can drink the essence of Hobbitses, but Madonna, like every good Skeksis, knows that only the essence of a Gelfling grants permanent effects, the lifeforce of Podlings and Hobbits alike confer their benefits only temporarily.
Okay, I downgrade (upgrade?) you from monster to not-terribly-nice-person.
I was a stand-in for Billy Mumy during the filming of “Lost In Space”. He stole the lyrics to “Fish Heads” from a school notebook that I forgot on the set one day.
Some friends and I were having a small party down at Rider’s Beach in Florida when all of a sudden Powers Boothe strode up in nothing but a pair of speedos and stamped out our fire with his bare feet. When he was finished he said “that’s what a rhino would do in the wild” and stared at us as if daring to contradict him. We remained silent just looking at him, I think we were all too shocked to speak and then he bent over, picked up a piece of warm charcoal and ate it, saying between bites “…good for ‘e teeth, good for da teeth”. The he asked if anyone had any spare ketamine he could have. No one said a word, but some of us shook our heads, and he seemed totally bummed out. He said in a low but menacing voice “well fuck you all, and the horses who rode you in” and walked off. Truly a bizzare night. Plus: strange fact - he has a tatoo above his right buttock that says “trinny”?.
I had consensual sex with Carrot Top, but then he later claimed that it was rape because it was inherently impossible to consent to sex with him. Police agreed and he served three months (only because I failed to testify).
When we were selling our last home in Maine the agency we were using told us that, due to some re-financing issues, the bank would be sending over a valuer to come and inspect the property. They told us to expect the valuer at about 9 am. Well, predictably, 9 am came and went. Finally at about 2.30 pm, we get a knock on the door and in walks Kristy McNichol. She pauses, grinning, in the foyer, as if waiting for applause to die down or something and then says “hey there! I’m the valuer”. My wife and I were a bit shocked, as we had recognized her instantly, but once we got over the shock, I was still steamed that we had been kept waiting so long. When I asked her why she was so late she got up in my face and screamed that she was doing “God’s Work” now, and “Do you know who I am??!!” I told her yes, I do know who you are, do you? She looked at me and just deflated and said “no” and started sobbing. My wife had to console her for a while, lots of hugging and cooing. We never did get our property valued though.
True facts: Kristy McNichols tears are milky and smell like lavender.
King Zog’s son Leka, heir to the Albanian throne, lived in Madrid, not Switzerland, before returning to Albania. We became drinking buddies after meeting at a film industry party chock full of alluring starlets trolling with live bait. The one I chatted up had me mesmerized until I heard a series of coughs behind me and turned to see a huge fellow bout 6 foot 6, 250 lbs sitting in an easy chair pull out a long barreled 44 mag from a hidden shoulder holster and place it on the the table next to him. He looked me in the eyes and said “She’s with me” while he pointed at the gun.
We became fast friends as his brand new customized Thunderbird had just been stolen from a hotel garage and I was on my last free night before flying out on some extended business so I gave him my keys and said it’s the silver Porsche parked right at the entrance.
BTW
He once persuaded some unfriendly African authorities to not board his private aircraft for a customs inspection by personally leveling a bazooka at them.
