I had a dream that I came home and while opening the front door, realized someone was in the house. It was not scary at all, but I grabbed a baseball bat and in real life screamed “I HAVE A FUCKING BASEBALL BAT.” My wife is terrified, and wakes me up telling me I’m having a nightmare. I say it’s not a nightmare because “I have a fucking baseball bat”.
A couple nights ago, hubby started telling me we had to get Lilly to the vet right away. He sounded so lucid, I got up and started getting dressed in a panic, thinking our kitty was sick.
It was a dream. He said in the dream he was building a fire in the fireplace (We have two gas fireplaces, no wood burning) and just as he lit the wood, she jumped over him into the fire. He grabbed her, but her tail was burned.
He woke up in tears because he hurt her.
My husband is Japanese. We’d been driving all day and he fell asleep with his head on the table. The rest of us carried on chatting and whatever. He suddenly sat up and started barking orders in Japanese as we all stared at him. He then paused, looked at us blearily and said “Oh. Wrong language” and collapsed back on the table again, asleep.
My wife has been spending hours and hours on Guild Wars 2; I haven’t upgraded yet.
One night, I awoke from being shoved and heard my wife complain, [Grestarian!]
I responded with a simple protest of innocence, “What?”
“Ah!” she emphasized, “You cast the wrong spell!”
“Oh,” I realized she was asleep and imitated a young Steve Martin line, “Well excuuuuse me!”
I think she was already asleep again, because she didn’t respond to my sarcasm. I told her about it weeks later and she says she vaguely remembers it.
–G!
You’ve been…
Talkin’ in your sleep again, you’ve been
Talking in your sleep
…—Jon Bon Jovi (solo)
…Talking in your Sleep
I don’t talk in my sleep, but I do talk under anesthesia. You’re not supposed to be told this, ethics or something, but one of the nurses on my surgery (in the 70s) was my friend. “When you talked under anesthesia,” she said, “I’ve never seen anesthesiologist blush before.”
Okay, they have those masks on, so how could she tell?
And
What did I say? (Her ethics cut in and she shut up)
It did make embarrassing visits with the surgeon after that.
Skyler: Walt, did you bring your phone?
Walt: Which one?
:smack:
—G!!!
In bed with an ex, I was sitting up reading and he had fallen asleep. I was just about ready to turn off the light and snuggle up to him when he farts in his sleep. He sits bolt upright, looks me straight in the face, and says
“What the fuck did you just say?”
in a tone that indicated I had just made a yo mamma joke at his momma’s expense. He then flopped back down and started snoring again. I giggled off and on for the next hour.
Clearly, starting this thread at the expense of my SO was bad karma.
Last night I was really tired, and we were cuddling up and I was already dropping off. I said to him he has a nice bum (which is true) and he, not sleepy at all, started musing about what it would be like to have a really big bum and wether that would be really soft to sit on. I sort of remember he started saying that. Then suddenly I woke up to him laughing at me. Apparently I had said: “the Ed Fringe makes umbrellas for them”. [Ed Fringe = Edinburgh Festival Fringe]
My sister talks in her sleep. Once when I was walking past her room on my way to the bathroom, I heard her saying “…you stupid daisy. [mumble mumble mumble] A tree?! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why would you do that? Don’t! Quit it! I warned you!”
She once woke herself up yelling “Expelliarmus!” That must have been a fun dream.
She also walks in her sleep occasionally. We know because she sometimes wakes up wearing different pyjamas than the ones she went to sleep in.
One of my exes talked in his sleep rather a lot, especially when anxious, when he would quote military regulations at length. However one time he must have been feeling very relaxed, as he said in the most smug tones of satisfaction I have ever heard, “Wet pussy!” My giggling woke him up 
I usually sleep by myself, so my opportunity for experiencing any kind of sleep talking is minimal. But my SO tells me that once after dozing off I began talking about Looney Tunes characters and may have called her Elmer Fudd.
Other than that … when I was a kid I once fell asleep in my parents’ bed (while they were still up and about). They woke me to go to my room but they must’ve not done a very good job, because my mother came back a moment later to find me sitting in front of their toilet, slamming my fists into the seat and saying “No! No! No!”.
On the other side, I came home one time to find my mother napping on the couch. She was – I’m not sure how to describe it, kind of loudly whispering “helllp mee … helllp mee …” I thought she’d had some kind of stroke, but nope, just a bad dream.
I apparently once told my wife, very earnestly, “The ants are coming!”
When I woke up I had no recollection of what that could have been about, unfortunately. Sounds like an interesting dream.
I’m told that, as a child, when my mother was doing some late evening ironing (remember when people did that?) and tried to quietly hang some stuff in my bedroom closet, I sat up in bed and hollered “Y’Ho Rinty!”. Apparently I’d been watching Rin Tin Tin on the Sylvania. Scared the bejeezus outta her.
In college, my drunk roommate came sliding quietly into our dorm room and I sat up in my upper bunk and hollered “HEY! I’m with you, Clarabelle!”
Scared the bejeezus outta her, too.
I slept through both outbursts.
My eight year old son talks to us in his sleep almost every night when we go to check on him before we go to bed. One time he was looking under his pillow for a tiny piano he had lost.
But the funniest sleep-talking story I’ve heard is when my mom went to check on my brother when he was a kid:
Mom: Good night sweetie. kiss
Brother (eyes open): I’m going to kill you.
Mom: What?
Brother: I’m going to kill you!
Mom: How?
Brother: With… this! (reaches under his pillow, pulls out a gum wrapper and shows it to her)
Mom: Goodnight sweetie.
Once when my (ex)husband asked me if I deposited the check at the bank:
Me: Yes, the pudding is in the account
Him: ??? Pudding?
Me: The chocolate pudding is in your account, and the tapioca pudding is in mine.
Him: (realizing I’m sleeping) Why did you put pudding in the account?
Me: It was the paperboy
We didn’t have a paperboy.
When I was a kid, I hated peanut butter, in fact, I hated most food. I ate one meal a day, and that one was by force.
One night, my family was in the kitchen, my room was just off the kitchen. I walked in, made a peanut butter sandwich, got a big glass of milk and stood by the counter and ate the whole thing.
My family tried to talk to me, but I didn’t say a word. I finished my snack and went back to bed.
I didn’t remember any of it and actually got angry with my grandfather for telling me it did.
Because that’s the part that doesn’t make sense.
Well I sleep talk a lot, and I mean a lot but only when I’m tired. This was the night before a horse competition I was competing in the next day and had spent all day preparing for it so all I had on my mind was horses. It was quite late and I don’t recal any of this but my family got it on video and it went like this:
Me:yelling EMMA EMMA EMMA EMMA EMMA (for about two minutes) wait…your names not Emma…yelling * (sisters name )
Sister:yes?..
Me:did you…change the settings on my bridle?
Sister:(just for a laugh) YES.
Me:WHYgrowling in a demonic voice *
Sister: I’m gonna go to bed now…ok?
Me:well next time don’t…
Sister:ok,I won’t. sister gets into bed
Me: dont…other wise I MIGHT JUMP ON YOU.
I don’t know why I said this but I was obviously very very tired but through the night my sister was seriously concerned that I would jump on her…
We were spending a week at a campground. I was 15, my brother was 13. I was sleeping in the top bunk and he was in the lower bunk. Sometime during the night I woke up, startled, as he shot bolt upright in his bunk and shouted, “Don’t worry! Don’t worry! There’s nothing to worry about!”
Then he lay right back down and went to sleep, while I stared at the ceiling and worried.
My ex husband worked at a college cafeteria and one night he was talking his sleep saying “No carrots , No carrots !” over and over again . I am hard of hearing but he was so loud he woke me up . They ran out of carrot that day and his boss when on his case about it.