Culture Go to the symphony. Go to an art museum. Take classes in art/music history. Never stop learning. Buying new music once in awhile might bring you out of your Stryker phase.
NASCAR is not culture, nor is it couture. It is in no way meant to be used as a form of religion or permanent body decoration. Dale Ernhardt is dead. Get over it.
Ditto–except I’m not married, so I would swoon.
Alright, I’m not exactly ready for the Fab Five, but I know some problems when I see them:
Guys
Combover-You’re fooling nobody. Your head looks like a freakish spider is clutching an egg of some kind. We’re all laughing at you.
Don’t hit on every girl you see. If you’re 55 and paunchy, that 18 year old waitress isn’t really hot for you, she’s probably angling for a tip or required by policy to be friendly.
Know at least something about wine. Failing that, ask the server what would be good with what you’re ordering. It’s their job to know and you can just nod knowingly, look wise, and say, “I’ll have the white.” Then give them a good tip.
A cowboy hat is only appropriate if you have a good reason to wear a cowboy costume (i.e. you’re an actor or a country singer, you’re in a rodeo, or it’s Halloween), or if you are a cowboy and you’re out ropin’ the dogies.
You should not wear a cowboy hat in an office, a classroom, or a vehicle - unless the vehicle is a squad car, you’re in the back seat, and you’ve been arrested for public intoxication or domestic violence.
But I don’t want to be a Cowboy!
God knows I’m a walking fashion disaster but I do have a few tips.
Men. Find something that fits your body type.Suits look nice on tall men; us shorties are better off with a sportcoat and some decent pants. If you are like me, (short but broad and not fat) try wearing hawiian or work shirt cut shirts. They are dressy enough for the office and will accomodate your chest and shoulders. polo, golf, and oxford shirts will make you look like a geek or a goon.
If you MUST wear that pretentious overdressed crap, GET IT ALTERED. Try to find a look that will help you look young and with it. Retro is cool if you can pull it off. If you look too young for your tastes, grow a neat beard and keep it well groomed. Same goes for men with weak chins. Totally shaven men look like weird overgrown teenagers. Ball caps are for children. Jewelry ought to be tasteful and scarce. A few NICE pieces of jewelry are stylish, giant chains are not.
Ladies. See above. Wear something that complements your shape. Here’s a hint, if you want to look cute for a night out, try wearing a men’s dress shirt that is a size too big. The different cut will make you look cuter by giving the illusion that you are smaller than you are and nobody will notice those extra pounds.
Tall ladies do not NEED heels. Short ladies do not need excessive heels. Less is more when it comes to makeup. A piercing up high on the ear can be very sexy, multiple piercings there are punk.
Decor. Buy some damn art! As an artist we’ll often negotiate on prices simply to make a sale. Look around online for something that intrests you. Sculpture is a nice way to break up a room and makes you look sophisticated. Old master replicas make you look like an idiot, same goes for impressionists and modern abstract. Find something that you LIKE. Buy it because you enjoy it; not because it’s cool.
For folks my age (late teens, early 20’s)
Don’t have normal hair during the day, and shove it all up into a lazy mohawk with gel. C’mon. You’re not fooling any of us
Don’t use a tractor chain to hold onto your belt. I’m overexagerrating, but not by much.
PULL YOUR PANTS UP. No one wants to see your boxer (hopefully) covered ass hanging out over your belt (which apparently has to be cinched tightly to not fall to the floor).
Backfat is ugly. End of discussion.
As is “ass cleavage,” ladies.
As are camel toes. Pants don’t need to be skin tight.
If you wear a corset that laces up the back, take care that there’s not an obvious skin fold under the lacing.
Pigtails and overalls are hideous. Unless you’re pregnant. But that’s IMHO.
Tighty Whities aren’t sexy. Guys, buy a few pairs of boxers for nights you think you might be getting laid, if you feel you must wear WTs the rest of the time.
Pink, fuzzy cowprint cowboy hats look recockulous.
However, some people CAN pull off cowboy hats, even outside of Tx. Don’t assume you’re one of these people.
There is such a thing as too many piercings. Trust me on this.
If you dye your hair an unnatural color, keep up with it. Faded blue with blonde roots looks really bad.
If you dye your hair blond, and are a natural brunette, pick one. Don’t have 3" of brown roots. Please.
Cigarette holders? No. That’s all I have to say on that.
I don’t know if this look is currently in fashion (I don’t follow fasion), but it looks bad: Black shoes, pantyhose, and top with a beige skirt. You look like a floating ass.
Just a couple I haven’t seen mentioned:
Interiors
Guys, workout equipment such as weight benches, treadmills, bar bells, Nautilus or BowFlex machines are NOT…I repeat, NOT…furniture.
Also, we are very impressed by your plasma TV, X-Box, home theatre system and state of the art 500 CD-and DVD-Changer. But let’s try to arrange it so we are not tripping over the 2 miles of wiring that connect it all.
Cooking
A fabulously easy, cheapy and tasty dinner is taking a whole chicken and simply baking it in your oven on 350 degrees for about an hour. Before putting it in the oven, cut a lemon in half, squeeze the juice out and rub it all over the skin and outside, salt and pepper the bird, then put the lemon rinds inside the chicken. You can also pour a can/bottle of any kind of beer over it before you put it in the oven. Stick in a meat thermometer to make sure the temp is at least 190 or better and it’s done. (remove lemon rinds before serving) Whip up a couple side dishes like rice or pasta, make a simple salad and you are in business. Roasted chicken is one of my favorite meals and I feel like a gourmet cook every time I make one. And you can usually find a whole chicken for less than $4-5.
Social Interaction
Ladies, it really won’t kill you to learn a little bit about the sports. I know not ALL men are obsessed with sports, but alot of men at least have a favorite team or favorite sport. Learn the names of the teams, a few of the players, and at least scan the headlines a couple times a week of the local sports page. Men love it when women can “talk sports”.
And guys, it won’t kill you either to know a little bit about current events OTHER than which teams are in line for the NFL playoffs. There is a little more to life than ESPN. And, by that, I don’t mean ESPN2!
Fuji You rock! If you don’t already, you should be writing for Maxim. Funny stuff.
:shakes head ruefully: It is not just a culture, it’s a lifestyle.
And it’s EARNHARDT. Damn it.
:adjusts Dale Jr. hat:
A few tips for men for special situations, in the casino and games area. You should know how to play the following games, at least as far as the basic rules : Craps, Basic Poker (I know there are a million variations, but just know you have five cards and what hand beats what), Chess, and whatever card games are popular in your area of the country (Euchre, Hearts and Rummy are big here in the midwest). Bridge is useless if you’re under the age of 50, in my opinion.
One more thing : Learn basic strategy in Blackjack and for the most part, follow it. It will do at least two things. First, it will keep you from losing our ass while playing in the casino because BJ and the pass line in Craps are close to 50-50 bets. Second, it keeps you from looking like a complete amateurish fool in front of everyone else. (I learned this the hard way the first time I played) All the rules seem daunting, but if you put in a half hour you can learn 90% of the rules pretty easily. Finally, it make keep you from getting your butt kicked by some of the more intense players with a lot of money riding on the table.
On a related note, if you don't know how to play the game of Blackjack correctly, don't be giving advice to others at the table. Its obnoxious.
Women could likely benefit from these suggestions too, but they seem more important for men.
Playing slots is for women and men over age 60. Leave the one armed bandits to those groups. In fact, I would even avoid the antiquated term "one armede bandits."
If you'r real ambitous, learn to read a racing form. I admittedly don't know how to do this, but at some point I plan to learn. Again, this keeps you from having to either bet on the cute horsey name or follow the advice of the desperate guy who swears to have the lock solid long shot tip.I ALWAYS wear boxers:D .
I worked with a Russian girl who used to use one. Add to that her mink coat, accent and tall thinness, it made her look like she should be plot’ning 'genst Moose en Squir-ill (all she needed was a short companion in a black Fedora).
Guys
Black belt = black shoes
brown belt=brown shoes
Never wear a bowtie.
Just because something is fashionable does not mean it will look good on you. Find what styles and colours fit you and wear them. Read what interests you, collect what is beautiful in your eyes, and be open minded to the ideas of others. This will make you appear intelligent.
At least I hope so. Maybe my attire makes other people think “crazy lady who reads all the time, stay the heck away!”
Nonsense, fezes and tricorner hats NEVER go out of style! If you must wear a vestigial hat (as opposed to a useful working one, such as a wool hat on snowy days), these are it! I highly recommend it!
(Poster assumes no liability in the event wearer is mocked incessantly)
On the other hand, the fedora (and it’s cousin the porkpie hat) has only been in in fashion twice since 1959, these being a brief early 80s punk revival and an even briefer late 90s swing period.
I believe you are legally allowed to kick the butt of anyone under 70 who wears a Derby or Panama hat… 
This is borderline tips/rants…
Gents:
1)Cologne, it’s good for about 2 years. Not that your bottle itself expires, a new cologne always is a way to keep fresh. While testing out new colognes, always ask for coffee beans to sniff between fragrances.
2)Anticipate your haircut needs. You know it’s getting unruly and so do we. Plan accordingly.
3)Vacuum track marks. If you have tall carpet (as opposed to a berber and the like) a quick pass with a vacuum makes the room look so much cleaner.
4)Shirts, sweaters, vests et al. There’s usually a seam where the arms are attached to the torso of the garment. That should line up with the shoulder to have a proper looking fit.
5)Gadgets are cool. Do not be a walking Sharper Image store. You’re a human, not a walking conversation piece.
6)Masculine scented candles. They’re out there and are good for not only fragrance but covering up any unfinished laundry stank that may come from the other room. Note that if a candle’s scent is strong when it’s not lit, it’s only likely going to be pungent and strong when lit, not good.
7)Gay/straight. Grown-ups should not have naked pictures on the walls, refrigerator, screensavers etc. It’s tacky. (Call me prudish, but if you do that, you might as well throw up a Budweiser sign with the perpetual waterfall on it as well)
8)I don’t care what Kyan says. Wash your hair daily. Greasy hair is gross hair.
9)Jewelry in moderation. If you insist on a bracelet, no necklace and vice versa. “Vegas-sized” rings are an embarrassment for any that keep your company. Return them to the pawn shop immediately.
10)In the realms of culture, freshen up your quoting vernacular frequently. Repeated quotes from “Bill and Ted”, “Dude, Where’s My Car”, or any other innocuous drivel needs to be hosed away from your “humor” on a regular basis. Don’t let the crud build up.
Ladies:
1)Pet peeve of mine. If you dress up for the office, find dress up shoes that you can walk around in. Slapping white socks and tennis shoes on when you walk from the car to the office or for lunch looks really bad.
2)Scruncis are to be relegated to your abode. Never outside.
3)Your purse should contain essentials and be sized accordingly. It should not sleep six.
Both:
1)Always carry assorted casual beverages in regular and diet form.
2)Grandma had a candy dish and unless dietary concerns prohibit this, you should too. Find a slick bowl that matches your decor and stock it with a special find from a candy store that can keep without needing covers (I’ve got a bowl from Nambe’ filled with Jelly Bellies).
3)Knick knack kno-knos. If you want knick knacks, limit them to very personal ones and keep it very simple. No one wants to have to worry about hitting your thimble collection with every step they take.
4)Read the Straight Dope.
5)Take a casual class at a community college, theater group, pottery center, stained glass hut, mechanic’s school.
6)Your bathroom should neither be a lending library or an aliteracy sanctuary. No one wants to know you spend months perusing periodicals on the potty nor do they want to read what’s in their wallets/purses. Please put the reading material in a discreet but obvious spot. (Not a magazine rack, but like a stool by or next to the toilet).
7)Art on the walls. This is a pet peeve of mine. Prints are a definite no-no when it says what gallery it was shown at and for what period of time. If you insist on that print, please have this portion removed prior to framing. (Framing is a given by the way). Find art that compliments your surroundings as well as doesn’t diminish it or the piece itself. For the most part, humorous art should be relegated to the bathroom or basement.
And watch that (Bud Light?) commercial about “Mr. Way-Too-Much-Cologne-Wearer”…and DON’T BE THAT GUY!
Both:
It’s been said already in this thread, but hey, it bears repeating: just because you can fit into it doesn’t mean you should.
If you were over 12 and wore it the last time it was trendy, you are too old to wear it the next time it becomes trendy.
If you are over 25 and still wearing the same hairstyle you wore in high school, it’s time for a change. One should give one’s hairstyle a critical eye and an update at least once every 10 years.
Ladies:
Shoes should match hem or hose, but please, for the love of god, do not wear a black skirt, white hose and black shoes. To look longer and leaner, shoes, hose and skirt should match.
Men and women both: Learn to tell one very funny clean joke and one very funny SLIGHTLY-risque joke very well. Practice your delivery in the mirror. Don’t bore your friends with them, but when you’re at a party trying to talk to new people, this will come in handy.
Please don’t look like you bought your entire living quarters as a package. Id’ rather see a pigstye than a Set Piece Your Mother Bought You. It’s okay to have your wood match, or some of your furniture, or your bedroom suite, but that wicker spade decorator object on the wall? No. It should look like a personality lives there.
And it’s very important if people are going to be coming back to your place that you stock beverages and such beyond that which you normally drink. “Would you like something to drink?” “What do you have?” “Water and prune juice.” “Um.” That means you should have several soft drink choices, basic liquor choices (assuming you drink at all, and even if you don’t I think it’s polite to be able to offer) along with common mixers. This stuff should keep - you don’t have to keep anything in the fridge, you should just be able to offer adequate hospitality. Oh, and cheap-ass liquor is a no-no - it dosen’t have to be REALLY nice, but it should be a step up from lighter fluid. That $5 a liter vodka you drank in college is not acceptable to offer guests.