Help! I wanna be cool!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was struck by two things reading the “Who’s the Coolest Living Person” thread.

A) I have no smegging clue what the D&D discussion of Jesus is talking about.
B) It ain’t me, babe.

Point A can wait. Point B nags. I am not cool. I am the Anticool. Flowers wilt in my presence, small children scream, rocks quiver. My nerdiness fells trees. My boorishness threatens the Free World. And my utter lack of sex appeal…well, let’s just Schumaker-Levy was my fault.

Help me be cool. It doesn’t have to last long; even if it’s only five seconds, I’ll have “For five seconds, Coolsville, daddio” for an epitaph. Give your tips, your tricks, your secrets. Tell what makes anyone, but especially you, cool. Help save this loser from a lifetime of uncoolness.

Thanks.

2

Gold chains. Big flashy gold chains.

Oh, yeah, and polyester!

3

I’m glad you asked! I am the coolest person I know. Follow these steps and you’re assured to hit the big time.

[ul]
[li]Ask all the ladies if they know “where a stud like me can pick up some large-sized rubbers”.[/li]
[li]Get some velcro tennis shoes. Preferably Zips.[/li]
[li]Sneeze directly into other people’s faces. Then giggle.[/li]
[li]Parachute Pants.[/li]
[li]Say “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” a LOT, even if it has no bearing to what is happening.[/li]
[li]Call people racial slurs that don’t match their race.[/li]
[li]Don’t wipe your ass very good, if at all.[/li]
[li]Get a greatest hits CD from the Marshall Tucker Band. Play it loudly at all hours of the day and night.[/li]
[li]Keep a culture of Pinkeye at your house, and make sure you are infected as much as possible.[/li]
[li]Wear a baseball cap that reads “I’m the bikini inspector”[/li]
[li]Whenever you are introduced to someone, ask them their name six or seven times. Then refer to them as “Alice”, no matter what sex they are.[/li]
[li]Travel to other countries and bitch loudly that this “isn’t the way we do things back home”[/li]
[li]Wear a T-shirt that says “Mustache rides, 5¢”, but don’t grow a mustache.[/li][/ul]
[sub] This one was stolen from an email that went around a while back. The rest are originals.[/sub]

4

66% Sugar…34% Spice…and just to gawd dayumn nice.
It’s a carefull blend of being a Girly Tomboy that is more of a giver then a getter…which in return gets me alot hehe. Course…that’s for a good girl, guys are a totally different topic.

5

Just be yourself. And if this doesn’t work, large sums of money slipped into people’s pockets usually wins them over. As long as you don’t wink at them, because they might get the wrong idea.

6

You guys are gonna destroy Don Jaime here. This advice here is slaying him.

Look for the record I’m as uncool as possible, but in a good way. :slight_smile: I have, however, had the pleasure of observing coolness in action.

Enjoy the ride. (A la Ferris Bueller)

If someone says you’re not cool, treat them as if they aren’t even worth looking at. Half of being cool is the attitude. And don’t TRY HARD. Make it seem effortless- mainly b/c you won’t be putting any effort into being cool. Its a state of being. Like nirvana.

Procure a leather jacket. Don’t go for the shades and the bandana, that’d be overkill. Try to look moody, and Byronic. Rent Rebel Without a Cause for more pointers.

Sing in a rock ‘n roll band and be the guy that girls’ parents warn them about. (This might not work if you’re out of high school…)

Be silent a lot. Taciturn people are respected more than chatty noisemakers.

Be very careless. Caring about things and getting all emotional is not cool. You have to look like you don’t give a box of Crispy Toads about anything.

Be able to hold your alcohol. You’ll be a lot more respected if you can drink without puking.

Oh yeah, and be ready to have fun a lot.

Have control over your bodily functions. (This last one- vital.)

Hope that helps! (Oh yeah and don’t type out really long responses to people’s posts. Lest you look like an overeager dork. :))

7

Well, find a high school cheerleader who just broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks before the big dance, and make a deal with her. You’ll go to the dance with her, and she’ll make you cool. When you show up with your slicked back hair, and cool new clothes from the Gap, you will be SO cool!

8

first off, you gotta be from brooklyn…

9

It’s well established that the only way to be cool is to smoke cigarettes and do drugs.

It’s true. I saw an afterschool special about it.

10

Hey shut up! I wear the Gap!!

Besides- most cheerleaders are smarter than you’d think. At my school, most of them are honor/AP students. And not ditzy at all. :slight_smile:

11

Smackfu’s advice is good, but last time I tried it, I turned into a real jerk and wound up breaking the heart of my less cool (yet still oddly attractive) lifetime long female friend who had always secretly loved me. Your milage may vary.

12

A lot of my school’s cheerleaders are really ditzy. Although one, who is a real ditz, is actually nice :slight_smile:

Hey! They rock!

13

Coolnes is all in the first impression. People make their minds up about others within the first few seconds of seeing them. You can be one of the biggest dorks there are (I’m proof of that on occasion) and people will see past that if they had a good impression of you the first time they met you. You don’t have to run out to the Gap and buy a new wardrobe, but Bermuda shorts, t-shirts and sandals with socks would be a bad idea the first time you meet someone. As long as you’ve shaved or trimmed in the morning and look like you bothered to wash and comb your hair, you’ll make a good impression. One other thing: good shoes. My analogy on good shoes is to compare them to a clean car. A car just out of the car wash looks great, but some tire polish on the tires really pulls it together. Shoes are the same way. You can be dressed great but if you’ve got some nasty beat-up shoes on you’ll look like a dork. Carry yourself with confidence and whether you think you’ll win a beauty contest or not, people will think you’re pretty cool.

14

cool=self confidence
cool=unlimited patience

If you have neither… may I suggest an air-conditioner.

15

Being truly cool is simply a matter of a bag of frozen peas draped across the back of one’s neck. That’s Cool!

16

It’s cool to bump into things a lot.

When you see an attractive member of the sex(es) to which to are attracted, stare at them until they feel uncomfortable and walk away.

Stick a pickle in your pants, even if you’re a girl. Besides the obvious advantage, the smell is a real turn-on.

When you step out of the bathroom stall, do not wash your hands. Instead, stand in front of the mirror and fix your hair. This shows how comfortable you are with your own defecatory bacteria

Confidence is the most important part of coolness. To show how confident you are, call everyone “Lesser Being.”

In fact, to reach the pinnacle of confidence, you must regard yourself as being “above” the rest of the world. Sit in your room with the doors closed and the shades down and the lights off.

If at all possible, learn how to turn on jukeboxes by striking them solidly.

Get plastic surgery to look like Dr. Laura.

Look at internet porn and masturbate wildly. Actually, that’s a good idea even if you’re not trying to be cool.

Always wait until you think no one is looking before picking your nose.

A “bad boy” image usually helps to foster coolness. Create a bad boy image by starting a raging, thrice daily crystal meth habit.

And last, but definitely not least, in order to rise in the “cool” hierarchy, you must “whack” (kill) those who are cooler than you. Or was that the mob . . . ?

17

Buy all the electronic equipment you can afford. Computers, wide screen HDTV, DVD, DAT, home theater sound system, more computers, a laptop, PDA, cell phone, the works. Cram it all into your finished dungeon of an apartment, in the basement of a suburban house (you have your own entrance, WooHoo!!!)

Next drive to said apartment in your late model Nissan Maxima, sports package, loaded to the gills. Park outside. Go in. Jam in your pick for best film 2000, Fight Club.

Cool? Yeah cool.

18

Ooohh, I dunno… a walk in freezer, about twenty below should do it, no?

doges rotten vegetables

Oh, and lots and lots of gold chains, like someone said before. Only MORE OF THEM!

— G. Raven

19

No, no, no…look, all you need is a 1978 black Tans Am with tee-tops. It is imperitive that it has the huge firebird decal on the hood. Chicks dig these. Red leather seats are a must.

20

I got a leather jacket for Christmas. I can’t believe my mother thought of something that cool on her own. ANYONE looks better in black leather.