Help me be all cool and ass-kicky

I want to learn how to be so cool that I make people amazed at me. And I want to learn how to kick people’s asses with my bare hands.

If you’re kicking, wouldn’t that be bare feet?

You want to be Jet Li?

Somewhat a cross between Striperella, Jet Li, Neo, and…Johnny Rocketfingers from

So, the amazement people have with you now is not working for you? :smiley:

If you wanted to be so stupid/ridiculous/foolish that people would be amazed at you, then I could help. Cool? Sorry.

BTW, the thread title sounds really Buffy’ish. That’s pretty cool! :slight_smile:

Trigonal Planar’s Guide to Modern Coolness:

So you want to be cool, eh? First you need some baggy pants. All the kids these days are into the baggy pants. Make sure you wear them low enough so as to expose your boxers. Now, for a shirt you need something also way oversized, dropping down to around your knees. Try to find one with words that contain S’s replaced with Z’s, such as THUGZ or DAWGZ. Next you are going to need to purchase what the kids call the bling bling. Now, this sounds expensive but you can find some great deals on plastic jewelery in the dollar store.

Investing in a new car may be too expensive, but there are some great things you can do to increase the cool-ness of your car. First you need to have your windows rolled down, even in the coldest winter. This will show how STREET TUFF you are and nodoby will mess wit u. Drive around with your arm out the window shouting YO MAH DAWGZ to random peopleZ in the streetZ Yo. Make sure you play the rap music loudly cuz that’s what the in thing is with the kids.

You also need to get down with the slang of the youth. Words from yester-year, like “slick” and “the cat’s meow” are out. The kids today have a whole new lexicon. Instead, try “bad” or “mad”. As in, “that’s bad yo” or “u got sum mad sk1llZ”. Replacing letters with numbers will easily fool even the most discerning of lousy teenage punks. When you encounter one of your “dawgz” on “da str33tz” ask them “what is the dilly, yo?”. That’s the cool thing to say. When departing, a quick “a’ight dawg” or a “catch you on the flip side” will terminate the encouter.

With these tips on becoming cool, you’ll be sure keep on the level with those crazy kids.

Walk softly and carry a big knife.

Or just act like Tank Girl. (I would TOTALLY do Tank Girl)

Wear a codpiece.

Or an ascot. They’re totally bitchin’, you know.

Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now.

Say LIKE and ALL a lot. Like she was all you know … and they were all like you know … and like they were like all you know … and she was all like you know … etc.

Ass kicking: Start taking judo, Brazilian jiu jitsu, or muy thai kickboxing right away. Oh! I just checked out your profile. Yes, definately start one of those three. I’d recommend bjj first since it is the best one for wrestling w/ boys and not hurting them too badly. Then judo, which is like wrestling, only it mostly concentrates on throws. Seriously, start doing one of those two right away.

But don’t get all into them. Don’t wear a martial arts t-shirt around or talk about it constantly. People who really get into martial arts often seem a little weird, and you don’t want to be mistaken for one of them.

Being cool: I can’t offer any advice for the highschool girl set. For the long term, however, I would definately say that you should learn to shoot pool well, how to play poker well, and how to play black jack well. Don’t take up gambling. However, when you are older you will find that being able to shoot pool is a great way to meet guys. Women who can shoot pool are definately cool. So are women who can handle themselves, see the Ass Kicking part above.

If you can’t actually become confident, learn to fake it. Take a look at the most popular clique of girls in your school. Notice how there is an ugly one, but she doesn’t seem that way because she comes off as confident and self-assured? That’s the sort of attitude that you want to learn to adopt.

That’s the best I got for now.

Tip on how to be cool:
Go to the alps, where you will find the infamous swiss monks. Challenge them to a duel for a one gallon of Phoenix salivia, which grants immortality to those who can defeat the elite swiss monks in a duel, and mange to stomach the actual drink.

Anyway, the monks will first challenge you to a game of tic tac toe gets cut off if you lose! It’s really a fun game. Anyway, after you defeat him, you’ll go for the Xtreme Spork duel. You must fatally wound one of the monks to get thru that round, while playing hop scotch and playing Dance Dance Revolution, getting a perfect 950 on Beethoven’s Fifth.

Finally, when you get the bottle of monkey dung you were seeking, drink it up and let the lemur’s blood flow thru you, giving you the power of X Ray Boots.

With your jetpack that you stole from the swedish CIA, quickly pick up the earth and all of the planets in this solar system into the sun. The sun will soon melt and disappear, causing you to drift in the cold reaches of space, alone for what will seem like eternity. Make a break at phobos, and grab yourself some nikes, they’re kicking rad and you’ll be insta-cool forever.

Was this helpful?

Seriously, don’t worry about being cool. Do your own thing, and if that thing is what the others are doing, even better. Don’t let people form you into their idea of who you are and what makes you cool, you’ll end up being a totally different person thenyou wish to be.

Be there for people in need. Be a good friend, listen as well as you talk. Don’t pay attention to the jerkoffs who tell you you’re stupid for not smokings ciggarettes*, they aren’t worth your time.

*Or any other adjective that’d fit here, such as Pot, or Alcohol.

You could always wear a smock or maybe a sombrero. Sombreros are hip and edgy. Yeah, I’d kick ass if I had a sombrero…leans against tree looking menacing

What you need, my friend, is Real Ultimate Power!

Totally sweet!

What about the computer engineer look…

You know, white athletic socks w/black shoes and a pocket protector?

I did all that and now I have to wear a sweater everywhere I go. Evidently “cool” has more than one definition.

Get with the times, willya? The modern computer engineer wears jeans and a t-shirt, sneakers and has a goatee. Black-framed, taped thick glasses are out, stylish metal frames are in.

Not the ones I know…

and the ones I know don’t wear glasses, just contacts