Please Help Me Annoy My Daughter

Recently my daughter has noticed that my preferred foot wear is seriously un-cool. Actually, she mentioned that they were not “tight”, and when I agreed that instead they were quite comfortable, she became upset.

They are Old People shoes, and have Velcro straps instead of laces. When my daughter attempted to convince me that they were not the acme of fashion, I merely responded that there was a “song on that hip-hop station you listen to” about some woman in sweat pants and sneakers with straps, and she was apparently cool - why not me as well?

She responded, naturally, that Flo Rida had Reeboks, and that my shoes are from Wal-mart[sup]TM[/sup], and they cost $9.64 instead of hundreds, and that therefore neither my shoes nor I could be considered All That.

Then came my crucial error - I responded, “Well, that’s just the way I roll”, and she became most irate. I was firmly informed that I was not a hip young Black man, that I had little chance to be considered “ghetto”, that such an expression was both unfortunate and embarrassing from my lips, that instead I was an elderly white person with no sense of style whose idea of a high old time was Latin dancing lessons at the YMCA* and an early bedtime.

Which, while true, is entirely besides the point.

Since I have no chance against her in a direct confrontation, I have decided to try a sneaky, passive-aggressive kind of response. What I am requesting is ways in which I can drag out various aspects of popular culture at inappropriate times and cause my daughter to die of embarrassment.

Any suggestions? I am especially interested in popular phrases that will evince the heavy sighs and rolled eyes that are triggered whenever I attempt to wear a shirt that I owned during the Reagan administration.

Any assistance would be welcome. Don’t stall too long - bedtime is coming.

*We went there on our anniversary, followed by a trip to Dairy Queen. It was quite fun.

“Sock it to me!”


Whenever someone is wearing something, refer to it as “rocking” the garment. “Grandma sure is rockin’ that sweater!” Your daughter will vomit. Guaranteed.

The next time you and her are having a discussion like that invoke the phrase, “It’s chill.” to describe something in place of saying ‘it’s cool’.

That might be enough to send her off the deep end though.

Greet all of her friends with a Martin Lawrence-esque “Wazzup!”. It may not be the most modern pop culture, but it’ll work.

“Word!” or “Word up!” are good.

Replace “all right” with “aight” (aye-ight)

“Fo real” is a good one too.

When you disagree, flash her the “whatever” sign (make a W with your left and right thumbs and index fingers)

Consider retorting smart-mouthyness with “o no u di’nt!!”

Wear a different pair of ridiculous shoes everyday just to annoy her. Start with bowling shoes, move to the Peter Pan shoes, and find a pair of big floppy clown shoes. She’ll think your Wal-Mart specials are “2 cool 4 school” after that.

sport a whale tail
You’re guaranteed to have her move out of the state and change her name within 10 minutes.

I can infallibly reduce my children to helpless giggles by addressing them as, “My homies” in my best white-bread accent.

And tell her one of your Internet message board friends wishes her YMCA offered Latin dancing lessons…

See if you can replicate that funny neck twisty thing that young black women do, as they shake their index finger and say, (as above), “oh, no you dint!”

Words like rad, wicked, wazzup, chill, bling, thang, homies and “I’m down with that” sprinkled liberally throughout your conversation (sorry, “convo”) should cause much pain. Tell her you’ve started a MySpace account or Facebook and want to “friend” her.

To completely gross her out, leave your shirt buttons unbuttoned ala classic SNL’s Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd’s “wild and crazy guys”. Tell her you’re being a trendsetter.

Don’t go too far; she may end up killing you!

“'Cause that’s how I roll”

I think you should dabble in a little izzle.

Don’t be hatin’

Don’t hate the playah

Don’t be jealous 'cause deese keds be fly! (Or threads, if she’s going after your clothes)

Wear a short sleeved, or better yet, no sleeved, shirt. When she comments, flex your arms, kiss your biceps and tell her you wore it to show off your canons. Then, immediately ask if she knows a good vet. 'Cause you’ve got some sick pythons! (Flex again.)

Throw in a couple of yo’s or hommies, while you’re at it.

Seriously, she may try to kill you! :wink:

Don’t forget “hecka” or “hella”

i.e. That film was hecka (hella) good.

Ain’t yutes fun? :smiley:

Real talk, “tight” now now means “angry.”

The next time you encounter one of your contemporaries, loudly enounce “Playa, playa, what it do!”* while doing the half-soul shake, half-hug thing.

  • It’s not a question.

Or you can do what I did to my almost 15 year old. We ran into WalMart to grab something quick and she, of course, couldn’t possibly stay with me, her old, uncool mother (especially since she was with her boyfriend and she knew I wasn’t going to buy her anything). I told her to be right back as this was a quick trip and we had things to do. Of course she wasn’t right back when I was ready to leave so I went over to the service desk and did the best thing I could, being a concerned mom and all…“ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS, WOULD (DIMINUTIVE NICKNAME SHE HATES) PLEASE COME TO THE SERVICE DESK, YOUR MOMMY IS WAITING” and they even repeated it just to be sure she heard. Then we waited…and I was fully rewarded with her walking right by me with her sweatshirt hood pulled all the way over her head. It’s really hard to effectively roll one’s eyes when they’re covered, you know. And the best of the best, as we’re riding home, boyfriend’s cell phone rang and it was his dad. “Were you guys just in WalMart?”

I’m still high on those fumes

Salem that is the funniest thing I’ve read all week!

salem, that is the best!!! you will get decades worth of mileage from that. good behaivour is a snap when you say: “young lady! don’t make me page you!”

Tell her your friends are now your “posse.” If you’re meeting them for drinks, having a card party, shopping for Depends . . . you’re going out with your posse.

Before turning off the car, set the radio to a station she would listen to, and set the volume loud. Act nonchalant when next starting it up, with her alongside.