As a public service, I am now offering to provide free personal makeover advice to the general public.
My credentials? I’m glad you asked. Just this morning, I was able to get dressed and out the door with only TWO eye-rolls from my lovely and talented wife. Two eye-rolls are a personal best for me; I usually average around five a day while getting ready. I’m quite proud of myself today.
The first eye-roll I got concerned my shirt selection. I picked out a shirt that my wife hates. I’m not sure why she hates it, exactly. It fulfills the function of a shirt admirably – it covers my torso. She said something about it not matching my pants, but I was too busy admiring my stylin’ self in the mirror to really listen to what she was saying.
The explanation for the second eye-roll was more specific: “Your white belt doesn’t match your brown shoes.”
Who came up with this rule about belts and shoes matching, anyway? How often do you see someone who has their belt anywhere near their shoes in the first place? Besides rappers, I mean. Their pants waistbands routinely drag the ground. They’ve solved this fashion *faux pas * by not wearing belts.
I need my belt to keep my pants up, though, because I don’t want to be mistaken for a rapper, plus I don’t always remember to wear underwear. So I solved the belt/shoe eye-roll problem by just untucking my shirt and letting it cover my belt.
So as you can see, I’m extremely qualified to dispense personal makeover advice to the general public. No need to thank me; I’m just doing my job.
Rappers: Pull up your pants. This goes for you rapper wanna-bes, too. And maybe start wearing belts again. I’ve got a white one you can borrow.
Chubby Southern men: Lose the goatee. I’m not sure who convinced you that wearing a goatee makes your face look slimmer, but it doesn’t. Losing about 200 pounds would make your face look slimmer. All the goatee does is make your mouth look like a whirlpool in the middle of a big, pink, algae-infested lake.
Ladies: Many of you spend hours on your fingernails. IF (and that may be a big if) you’re doing this to appeal to men, you’re wasting your time. The only people who notice your nails are other women. Unless, of course, your nails are hideously long or deformed or something, in which case nobody will pay any attention to YOU – they’ll just talk about your nails. You won’t be “the stylish woman who’s got it going on;” you’ll be “the freakazoid Talon-Lady.” Fingernails would rank around #198 on the big “List of Things Men Notice About You,” right behind “if your shoes are new” and just before “if you’re breathing.”
Balding men: Nobody is fooled any more by the comb-over. The last person who thought that was a good look died right after they laid the foundation for the Pyramids. If the part in your hair begins right above your ear, just go ahead and shave it all off.
People who wear Bluetooth phones: In theory, this sounds like a cool device – a phone you wear clipped on your ear. No more pressing your cell phone against your head so hard in an effort to hear the conversation that you leave imprints of the buttons in your cheek! No more fumbling around to find your phone when you get a call! What a great idea!
In practice, though, wearing a Bluetooth phone makes you look like King Dork of Dork Mountain. Or maybe one of those dweebs with no life at a science-fiction convention who dress up as aliens. I see more men wearing these things than women (the phones, not the alien costumes), probably because women instinctively know how dumb this thing looks when you clip it on. Plus, the rest of us can’t tell if you’re talking to us, to your invisible bunny friend, or somebody on the phone. Quit it.
And while we’re on the subject of phones: Men, if you have one of those little holsters for your phone that you wear on your belt, you do NOT look like an amazingly cool gunslinger, ready to dispense justice and hot lead to evildoers. You look like a nerd who can’t put the phone in his pocket. The cell-phone holster is today’s technological equivalent of the pocket protector.
Cologne/Perfume wearers: This tip crosses gender boundaries, because both men and women tend to overindulge in the smell-good stuff. I tend to give women a pass on this to a certain extent, because the commercials for perfume never actually show the perfume being applied. They show women diving into pools, and snuggling with rugged, handsome men, and sometimes bringing home some bacon and frying it in a pan. How this is supposed to sell perfume is beyond me.
But my point is, they never actually show the perfume being applied. For all women know, you’re supposed to spray perfume on you until you’re covered in an oily sheen of scent. This is not so, ladies! A single spritz or two is plenty.
Men, I know that commercials for after shave show the guy splashing half the bottle into his hand and then whapping himself in the face. This is what the after-shave makers WANT you to do, because that way you’ll go through about three bottles of the stuff in a single week. You’ll spend more money on after shave than you will on the special combs for your comb-over.
Here’s a tip: If the rest of us can see visible Scent Rays coming off your body, much the same way Spider-Man’s “Spidey Sense” was shown in the comic books when it tingled to warn him of danger, you’ve put on too much.
Well, that about wraps it up for today. I have many more makeover tips to provide (and here I’m thinking of the big-belt-buckle guy), but I have to stop now. I’ve got a spot on my Nehru jacket, and if I don’t get it out soon, it’ll fade the purple color something terrible.