Lose the goatee, Tubby; and other free personal makeover advice

Ha. That’s what you think. Watch and be amazed.

My roomate works at a gas station. He says poor black people come in dressed up in $200 shoes with expensive cell phones holstered and bluetooth headsets and buy the cheapest prepaid card they can. Think about that. Someone with a bluetooth headphone to help steamline all the hundreds of calls they must be receiving has a pre-paid cellphone. The headset is functionally useless.

Believe it or not, the cell phone has become a status symbol for quite a lot of people. It’s absurd to me, too, but I think we’re becoming the minority on this viewpoint.

I’m a tall, thin, dashingly handsome man (5’8", 200 pounds) with a full luxurious head of hair (in the front, I’ve no idea what might be happening on the top or back. Although my head does tend to get sore when I’ve been in the sun too long, I can’t imagine my raging masculinity would allow any thinning. As a result, I certainly wouldn’t stoop to a “combover”).

My question - are Hawaiian shirts a suitable replacement for the photographers vest that many concealed weapons carriers believe are so unnoticeable?


ETA - and also, how did pressing “alt - caps lock” post this before I was done?

You have a white belt? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a man wearing a white belt. Not in Birmingham, anyway.

neorxnawange: Ordinarily I’d agree with you, but trying to figure out how to spell your screen name has exhausted me, so I’m dismissing your opinion out of hand.

scout1222: Tell the truth, now … you lust madly after this guy, don’t you? Your uterus screams to have his babies. I can tell.

Forumbot: I’m both amused and disturbed by your link. Either you already had this bookmarked, or you went to YouTube and searched for “intricately styled combover.” Neither of these options speaks highly of you, frankly. Thank God you’re participating in this thread, so your cool factor won’t suffer too much.

BobtheOptimist: Hawaiian shirts are fast becoming the new white-dinner-jacket tuxedo. I believe you’ll see them cropping up in all sorts of formal settings, including funerals, dinners with the in-laws, and hospital birthing rooms. Because of this, any guns concealed underneath them should be pearl-handled (including Mac-10s).

Eleanor of Aquitaine: Not many men, even those in a cultural epicenter like Birmingham, can pull off the white belt with aplomb.

Wait. That didn’t sound right.

I do, and I’ve never seen anybody dress like that at work (but there are a few at the bars). Wait, I do remember a Texas Ranger (law enforcment officer, not baseball player) who matched that description, but he had guns and stuff to complete his ensemble.

What is to be done by those of us who were raised by old-time cowboys (not rodeo-circuit, Granddad worked cattle) and can’t imagine wearing a hat indoors? Hat-head is sooo like, totally uncool, but Granny would rise up from her grave and smack that hat right off my head, young man. Should I get a buzz-cut? I’m afraid a barber might mention some thinning towards the back, and then I’d have to kill him.

Ladies, unless your fingernails are digging into my back, I don’t care if they are French manicured or not. Save the $50/month and buy something slinky.

Sauron, do you have your own column? If not, why?

From what I’ve seen, America needs you.

Sadly, no. I’m destined to be unappreciated in my own time. Perhaps years in the future, my work will be discovered and hailed for the genius it represents.

I just hope my wife is dead by then, so she can’t tell people how I pick my toenails in the bed at night, or how I keep forgetting what I’m hungry for between the time I walk into the kitchen and when I open the refrigerator door. That would sully my reptutation, I think.

Of course, my inability to spell “reputation” doesn’t help my cause much, either.

I’m not sure what to think of you now, Sauron. Let’s just say that the impression you’ve generated leaves me imagining you as a curious amalgam of Flavor Flav and a lumberjack.

You’re pretty close. Add a dash of Brent Spiner (or maybe Pippi Longstocking) for texture, and that’s about right.

I got enough crap in my pockets as it is. If I put my phone in my pocket, then my keys are going on my belt. Take your pick.

Surely it’s Mayfields Turtle Tracks ice cream.

Being allergic to a lot of perfumes, I’ve had more than my fair share of confrontations/consultations with perfume wearers.

The standard response, male or female, is “But I’m not wearing that much!”, usually said in a high, loud, whiny voice.

So my usual response, or sometimes direct statement before we even get this far is;

“You do know that a bottle of perfume contains more than one application, don’t you?”

Dear Fashion Advisor:

How can people say that my butt crack is visible? I’ve covered it up with a kewl thong, for God’s sake! Am I doing something wrong?


Column? Sauron, you need your own TV show.

By the way, how short is too short when it comes to skirts?

Dear Fashion Advisor:

My husband likes to wear his Superman costume around the house sometimes. When wearing a Superman costume as loungewear, does he still need to wear an athletic supporter to prevent visible genital lines? Nobody but me will see him (and I’ve already seen what he’s got), but he might answer the door and frighten small children.

Thanks for your help in this delicate matter.

Mrs. Kent

Get a man-purse, pocket boy.

If you want to attract all the gay boys, keep the goatee! Nothing makes me melt faster than a shaved head and a goatee.