My roomate works at a gas station. He says poor black people come in dressed up in $200 shoes with expensive cell phones holstered and bluetooth headsets and buy the cheapest prepaid card they can. Think about that. Someone with a bluetooth headphone to help steamline all the hundreds of calls they must be receiving has a pre-paid cellphone. The headset is functionally useless.
Believe it or not, the cell phone has become a status symbol for quite a lot of people. It’s absurd to me, too, but I think we’re becoming the minority on this viewpoint.
I’m a tall, thin, dashingly handsome man (5’8", 200 pounds) with a full luxurious head of hair (in the front, I’ve no idea what might be happening on the top or back. Although my head does tend to get sore when I’ve been in the sun too long, I can’t imagine my raging masculinity would allow any thinning. As a result, I certainly wouldn’t stoop to a “combover”).
My question - are Hawaiian shirts a suitable replacement for the photographers vest that many concealed weapons carriers believe are so unnoticeable?
And
ETA - and also, how did pressing “alt - caps lock” post this before I was done?
[QUOTE=Sauron]
The explanation for the second eye-roll was more specific: “Your white belt doesn’t match your brown shoes.”
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You have a white belt? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a man wearing a white belt. Not in Birmingham, anyway.
neorxnawange: Ordinarily I’d agree with you, but trying to figure out how to spell your screen name has exhausted me, so I’m dismissing your opinion out of hand.
scout1222: Tell the truth, now … you lust madly after this guy, don’t you? Your uterus screams to have his babies. I can tell.
Forumbot: I’m both amused and disturbed by your link. Either you already had this bookmarked, or you went to YouTube and searched for “intricately styled combover.” Neither of these options speaks highly of you, frankly. Thank God you’re participating in this thread, so your cool factor won’t suffer too much.
BobtheOptimist: Hawaiian shirts are fast becoming the new white-dinner-jacket tuxedo. I believe you’ll see them cropping up in all sorts of formal settings, including funerals, dinners with the in-laws, and hospital birthing rooms. Because of this, any guns concealed underneath them should be pearl-handled (including Mac-10s).
Eleanor of Aquitaine: Not many men, even those in a cultural epicenter like Birmingham, can pull off the white belt with aplomb.
Just to be clear, I do not live in Texas.
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I do, and I’ve never seen anybody dress like that at work (but there are a few at the bars). Wait, I do remember a Texas Ranger (law enforcment officer, not baseball player) who matched that description, but he had guns and stuff to complete his ensemble.
[QUOTE=scout1222]
There’s a guy who works here that wears snug jeans, a huge belt buckle, boots and a cowboy hat to work. And I mean he keeps the cowboy hat on all day inside the office.
Just to be clear, I do not live in Texas.
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What is to be done by those of us who were raised by old-time cowboys (not rodeo-circuit, Granddad worked cattle) and can’t imagine wearing a hat indoors? Hat-head is sooo like, totally uncool, but Granny would rise up from her grave and smack that hat right off my head, young man. Should I get a buzz-cut? I’m afraid a barber might mention some thinning towards the back, and then I’d have to kill him.
Ladies, unless your fingernails are digging into my back, I don’t care if they are French manicured or not. Save the $50/month and buy something slinky.
[QUOTE=Colophon] Sauron, do you have your own column? If not, why?
From what I’ve seen, America needs you.
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Sadly, no. I’m destined to be unappreciated in my own time. Perhaps years in the future, my work will be discovered and hailed for the genius it represents.
I just hope my wife is dead by then, so she can’t tell people how I pick my toenails in the bed at night, or how I keep forgetting what I’m hungry for between the time I walk into the kitchen and when I open the refrigerator door. That would sully my reptutation, I think.
I’m not sure what to think of you now, Sauron. Let’s just say that the impression you’ve generated leaves me imagining you as a curious amalgam of Flavor Flav and a lumberjack.
[QUOTE=lieu]
I’m not sure what to think of you now, Sauron. Let’s just say that the impression you’ve generated leaves me imagining you as a curious amalgam of Flavor Flav and a lumberjack.
[/QUOTE]
You’re pretty close. Add a dash of Brent Spiner (or maybe Pippi Longstocking) for texture, and that’s about right.
[QUOTE=Sauron]
And while we’re on the subject of phones: Men, if you have one of those little holsters for your phone that you wear on your belt, you do NOT look like an amazingly cool gunslinger, ready to dispense justice and hot lead to evildoers. You look like a nerd who can’t put the phone in his pocket. The cell-phone holster is today’s technological equivalent of the pocket protector.
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I got enough crap in my pockets as it is. If I put my phone in my pocket, then my keys are going on my belt. Take your pick.
I just hope my wife is dead by then, so she can’t tell people how I pick my toenails in the bed at night, or how I keep forgetting what I’m hungry for between the time I walk into the kitchen and when I open the refrigerator door. That would sully my reptutation, I think.
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[QUOTE=Sauron] Cologne/Perfume wearers: This tip crosses gender boundaries, because both men and women tend to overindulge in the smell-good stuff. I tend to give women a pass on this to a certain extent, because the commercials for perfume never actually show the perfume being applied. They show women diving into pools, and snuggling with rugged, handsome men, and sometimes bringing home some bacon and frying it in a pan. How this is supposed to sell perfume is beyond me.
But my point is, they never actually show the perfume being applied. For all women know, you’re supposed to spray perfume on you until you’re covered in an oily sheen of scent. This is not so, ladies! A single spritz or two is plenty.
Men, I know that commercials for after shave show the guy splashing half the bottle into his hand and then whapping himself in the face. This is what the after-shave makers WANT you to do, because that way you’ll go through about three bottles of the stuff in a single week. You’ll spend more money on after shave than you will on the special combs for your comb-over.
Here’s a tip: If the rest of us can see visible Scent Rays coming off your body, much the same way Spider-Man’s “Spidey Sense” was shown in the comic books when it tingled to warn him of danger, you’ve put on too much.
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Being allergic to a lot of perfumes, I’ve had more than my fair share of confrontations/consultations with perfume wearers.
The standard response, male or female, is “But I’m not wearing that much!”, usually said in a high, loud, whiny voice.
So my usual response, or sometimes direct statement before we even get this far is;
“You do know that a bottle of perfume contains more than one application, don’t you?”
My husband likes to wear his Superman costume around the house sometimes. When wearing a Superman costume as loungewear, does he still need to wear an athletic supporter to prevent visible genital lines? Nobody but me will see him (and I’ve already seen what he’s got), but he might answer the door and frighten small children.
[QUOTE=tdn]
I recently went from full beard to goatee. I’m not sure it was a wise decision. Maybe I’ll try the clean cut look again for the first time in 20 years.
At least I have finally embraced bald. I’ve got the Bruce Willis/Patrick Stewart thing going on now.
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If you want to attract all the gay boys, keep the goatee! Nothing makes me melt faster than a shaved head and a goatee.