Share your memorable restroom stories

In My Humble Opinion
21

When we are out shopping one day, my daughter (about 6 at the time) and I take a bathroom break in a restroom which contains about 10 stalls that are mostly occupied. As I’m in mid-pee, I hear someone really ripping out some loud, raunchy farts: BRAAAAAAAP!!! BRAAAAAAAAAAP!!! In between I can hear the person holding their breath with the effort and really giving it all they had and the toots just keep coming. I am giggling in my stall and I hear a couple more ladies trying to stifle their laughter.

My daughter and I wash up and leave the restroom, and I whisper to her, “Did you hear all the loud poots in the potty?”

She looks at me proudly and says, “Yep. That was me!”

I had no idea she had it in her.

22

That was the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. Thank you.

23

Recently the EU had a silly kerfuffle about this art exhibit that was supposed to represent all of the member nations. Bulgaria was offended by theirs in particular, which was…a toilet.

Link to story on said kerfuffle, with picture.

I thought it was hilarious, mainly because I have seen some really truly hideous toilets in Bulgaria and would actually be quite pleased to see one like that in a public restroom.

The worst toilet I have ever seen, ever, anywhere, was at the bus station in Kazanluk. Now, my village has about 3,000 people, and Kazanluk, which is the neighboring town to the east, has about 80,000, so of course I went there all the time. One day, I was at the bus station and I had to go. BAD. So I found the bathroom, paid the 50 stotinki, and walked down the stairs.

The bathroom was underground. There were no lights. There were what appeared to be two stalls, and I made my way over to one of them. The ground was packed dirt and the walls bare cement. The toilet itself, it turned out, was simply a hole in the ground. I have seen my share of Turkish (squat) toilets, and they don’t faze me, but usually there is a place to put your feet. Here - nothing.

But I had to go! And I figured I would survive. Of course there wasn’t any sink or soap.

What made it all the funnier is that later I discovered that the train station across the street had been recently refurbished (by the Japanese government) and had a brand new, sparkling clean bathroom, with proper toilets and paper and running water and a filled soap dispenser. Available for use at the exact same price.

24

Just by chance we were recently invited out for dinner, twice in as many weeks, to the same chain seafood restaurant (named for a color and a product of Maine)–one I had never been to before. The first time while I was washing my hands in the restroom there were two little boys at the next sink. The older one was tall enough to reach the sink, but he had to lift his brother up so he could wash up. They were laughing and joking around and I joked with them. The next time was total deja-vu. Another pair of boys of the same sizes were doing the same thing–complete with the lifting and the joking and engaging me in the fun. Both times they were clearly brothers and had the same mixed racial make-up as my own son who was also in the restroom both times.

Not so fun was when I came out of a one-stall subway restroom to find that the homeless person behind me in line had decided that just outside the door was close enough to the target to empty his bomb-bay.

Kinda kinky was when I was at a rock concert at a big convention hall. The lines were about four times as long for the women’s as the men’s. I watched as a girl bypassed both lines and walked right into the men’s room. She proceeded to drop her panties, hike up her mini-skirt, hoist herself up onto a sink, and make loud hissing sounds. She didn’t seem to care at all that every eye in the room was on her.

25

I was a waitress at a popular patio restaurant that turned into a club on certain nights. Only two stalls and, on certain nights, twenty women in line waiting to pee.

About halfway through the night, one of the women brought the employees’ attention to “this pair of panties!!!”

Some woman–nobody ever owned up to witnessing it–took a shit in her freakin’ underwear and just dropped 'em where she stood, halfway through the line. I’m not kidding. I walked in to see WTF happened and there, on the bathroom floor, by itself, surrounded by at least 10 drunk potential witnesses, was a pair of lacy women’s underwear…with a human turd sitting in the middle of it. Proud as punch.

I have a very hard time imagining this group of women all grouping together and “protecting” whoever did it. But I have no other explanation. We (the staff) all got together to gather a tip-pool to give the busser, who had to go in there and clean it up.

Who takes a shit in their underwear and just drops their drawers, right there in public???

It remains one of the many things I cannot explain, in my years of customer service…

26

Although the thread is about “personal experiences” I must share the little poetry we often amuse ourselves with while taking Nature’s time.

See #26, especially, among rhymes and graffiti found in public bathrooms. The imagery is undeniable.

27

I just didn’t have a square to spare.

28

I was working on a well logging truck (like the blue one), the kind that goes out to usually very remote sites and puts tools down a just drilled well to see if it’ll be productive. It takes a two man crew plus an engineer and you can be out there for days. We had one engineer, Marilyn, who always seemed a bit unusual. We didn’t realize how unusual until one trip in particular.

We’d been there for a long time and she excused herself from monitoring the operation computers, we assumed to go poop. There’s always a porta potty on a location for the roughnecks, so no problem. But Marilyn comes back in way too quickly to have gone over to the porta potty. And something smelled… funky. We go outside shortly thereafter and there on the ground by the right front tire is a big effin’ turd. Apparently Marilyn stepped outside the truck, dropped her pants, put both hands on top of the tire, leaned back and deuced two feet from the door. We could have stepped out at anytime. Then she didn’t even clean up. Just left a big ol’ squat right there in front of god and country.

Yeah, it was a loggin’ truck… but not that kind!

29

Similar to Rich Mann’s- I was in a bar in NYC and went to the men’s room. Inside, there was a sink on the wall on the left, and a stall on the right. Just past the sink were two urinals. When standing at the urinals, the wall of the stall was about 9" behind your back. So if there was someone at each urinal, the one farthest from the door had to wait until the other guy was finished before he could get out.

Empty bathroom, so I go to the farthest urinal, whip out and begin. Seconds later a guy comes in and, in order to avoid standing right next to me, goes into the stall. Seconds later, a drunk chick stumbles in, announces “I gotta PEE!”, drunkwalks toward me while pulling up her denim miniskirt and pulling down her panties, turns around, hops up and sits on the protruding rim of the urinal by the sink. She just sits on it. God knows how much pee had splattered on the rim, but it didn’t seem to bother her.

Meanwhile, I finish. At this point I’m landlocked. Our bathroom slattern takes her time emptying her impressively large bladder for such a little thing. She didn’t seem to mind in the slightest that I had nothing to do but watch her whizz into the urinal. When she finished, she hopped down, pulled her panties back up, and stumbled back out the door.

I’m sure she was quite a catch for some unsuspecting guy that night. Hope he didn’t go down on her.

ETA: I had sex in a restaurant bathroom once- that was memorable.

30

This didn’t happen to me, and I’m quite thankful, but it’s the only bathroom tale I have.

When I was in high school, one of the recently released Iranian hostages came to speak to us. During his confinement at the embassy, he went to the bathroom and found “DOWN WITH CARTER” written on the wall. He added “SIT” to the beginning of it. Next time he was there, “SIT” had been removed, so he added it again. This went back and forth for a bit, until he scratched the word permanently into the wall. The graffiti stopped soon after.

31

I dont know why, but the 3 words “Proud as punch” has had me giggling on and off for the past several hours…

Thank you; its always nice to laugh, even if you dont know exactly why it is that you are so amused!!!

32

I was on a plane headed to panama and i really had to go #2 so i go to the back of the plane and as soon as i sit down the captain comes on and says fasten your seatbelts we are about to land. I had to brace myself against the walls like a gymnast using the rings when the descent started.

33

I have a couple of stories:

-Not my story, but a good friend of mine who works in a hardware store told me the other day that they regularly have near misses with children who have just learnt to use the toilet on their own. They just see the row of toilets on display, think that now is as good a time as any, and, wanting to impress their parents, off they go.

-I’m not a fan of the Turkish (pit) toilets, but I’ll use them if I must. When I did charity work for 2 weeks in Albania, I was not happy to see that our pit toilet and shower was one unit. You stand in the toilet while having your shower. Thankfully there were two of these units and we decided to use one for the toilet and one for the shower. But the knowledge that people had previously taken a plonk and then just stood up and showered in their own filth was almost nauseating. And the fact that we all got stomach bugs and all of us ended up with diarrhoea meant that it really wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Oh, I forgot to mention the toilets didn’t flush. You just wash the contents down with the little water you had, which wasn’t much. Not pretty.

-When I was 15, I went on a school exchange to Japan for 2 weeks. I remember our teacher telling us clearly that when we use the high-tech toilets, we shouldn’t press anything but the flush button. A week later, I was waiting for a friend to finish going to the toilet in our hotel lobby, when all of a sudden I hear the sound of water spraying everywhere and lots of screaming coming from her cubicle. I distinctly remember the line “oh no! It’s going faster”. When she came out she told me that she had pressed the button then sends up a jet of water to wash your backside. Her pants were socking wet, and as we were running late, she had to walk out onto the streets of Kyoto looking like that.

-The last thing I want to say is that I found this picturein the toilets at my uni a few months ago. I didn’t realise that people, university students no less, need instructions in how to use a western toilet. It amused me greatly

34

Years ago I was driving south on Interstate 5 thru California and around midnight had to pull into a rest stop about halfway between SF and LA. I opened the door to the men’s room - and saw that the urinals (four of the full length type) - were for some strange reason painted black.

As I got closer I could see that there seemed to be specks of white showing, and finally got close enough to realize that the white porcelin urinals were completely covered, top to bottom, with a layer of black cockroaches! One of the most astounding sights I had ever seen.

I backed up to maximum range, and let fly. Didn’t bother the cockroaches at all.

And my idea of a great job is now “California Restroom Janitor”.

My skin still crawls when I think of this.

35

Oh man, you don’t want to hear my restroom stories. Believe me.

36

I’ve had two kind of odd bathroom experiences in the last month. The first was being hit on by some old creeper in a gay bar bathroom, which I suppose isn’t all that unusual. The attempted pickup was just laughably pathetic: I was fastening my belt in front of the sink when this sallow, unwashed guy comes out of one of the stalls and says “I was just thinkin’ about pulling something, and then here you were pulling on your belt!” I just laughed.

The second happened the next week. I was in a bathroom at a movie theater and the urinals were occupied so I went into a stall. I accidentally closed the door a bit too hard and it banged closed behind me, and a few seconds later someone who, judging from the voice, could not have been more than 12 or 13 years old says “Who was that?” I thought that this random strange kid could not possibly be talking to me so I didn’t say anything, but he repeated himself three or four times so I finally asked if he was talking to me. The conversation (if it can be called that) went like this:

Me: “Uhm…are you talking to me?”
Weird kid: “Yeah, did you knock on my stall door?”
Me: “What? Er, no.”
WK: “Why did you make that noise then?”
Me: “I closed the door (flush)”
WK: “The door to what stall?”
Me: “Jesus Christ, the one that I’m in, obviously.”
WK: “Oh…so, what’s your name?”
Me: “I am so not having this conversation.”

I still have no idea what that was about.

37

snerk

Nor mine.

38

of the har har variety

Years back I’m tailgating at Soldier Field on what was then the coldest game on record (GO BEARS). Our beers, both bottled and canned, were turning to thick slushies in our hands. Everyone was bundled up, shivering, and drinking. So I go the large bank of Port-o-Potties and stand in the herd of people waiting to take a leak. The temperature had given the event even more of a communal atmosphere than usual; we were out and having fun in this horrible weather together. So, I declare to all within the range of my voice, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m wearing six inches of clothes, and I’ve got a two inch dick!” Huge laughs.

When I returned to by friends I told them the line, and - owing to the rotation of people waiting in line for the john - they each got to use it themselves when they went.

39

Only one that qualifies as memorable.

Back when my dress code ran more to ratty jeans, rattier motorcycle shirts, and longer hair I went to the restroom in a hotel.

There was a woman waiting at the door as I was going in and she said to me, “My son is in there, please don’t kill him.”

To this day I haven’t decdided if she was serious or just making a very dry joke.

My response of course was to get a thoughtful look for a few moments and say OK.

40

This was previously posted here on SDMB in a different forum; probably my only memorable restroom story.
A few years ago I was in a bathroom of a bar in Charleston, SC taking a whiz. It was one of those kind with a small wooden partition in between each urinal so all you could see of the next whizzer was just from mid-thigh down. This drunken goober keeps trying to chat me up.

“Howdy…”
“How’s it going?”
“…the band is great tonight, eh?”
“It’s kinda rude to ignore someone when they’re talking to ya…”

Finally, after attempts to just ignore the guy had obviously failed, I growled, “Ya’ know, back where I’m from, if a fella starts tryin’ to talk to another fella in a public restroom it’s generally assumed that the first fella is looking for a dick to suck!”

After a few seconds, the guy says, “So, what’s your name?”