We don’t know if this schmuck made a crack before using the weight as an excuse. And while I agree that a crack is counterproductive and rude, it sure would beat an affair in my book.
Marriage is all about compromise. The attitude that someone must look and weigh exactly the same as when you married them isn’t compromise, but neither is the attitude of I’ll do it my way or tough. In this case he seems to be the one refusing to compromise - either about her appearance or about helping.
I’ve used both my suggestions, so they are not theoretical. My wife suggested I say that I’d like her better thinner (slightly more subtly) and it didn’t work at all. The moment has to be right, and I doubt the moment would ever be right if he comes home, plays with the young heirs, and goes to bed.
Well there you go. This isn’t about her being a gold digger, it’s about him figuring out he can get gold diggers now that he’s rich. Not something she can fix with therapy or aerobics, I don’t think.
Please point out where I said I had said that, was going to say that, thought it was a good idea to say that, or have otherwise said anything about saying that.
How is any of this relevant to the question of whether “never ever say anything to a woman about her weight ever ever ever” is bullshit?
Please point out where I said I had criticized an SO.
Which, you’ll note, is extremely close to what I said earlier in this thread, especially with your “weight” addition from the next post.
Because if think it’s bullshit not talking to a woman about her weight, you are going to stay that way.
“There are three ways of dealing with difference: domination, compromise, and integration. By domination only one side gets what it wants; by compromise neither side gets what it wants; by integration we find a way by which both sides may get what they wish.”
Like most generalizations - that would depend on the woman, the approach, and the commitment.
In this case I’m willing to bet that she would have preferred “honey, you are much more attractive when you are a little slimmer” (or its less image conscious cousin “honey, I’m worried about your weight, I know diabetes runs in your family”) then cheating on her and then announcing in front of others that he cheated because she’d gotten fat.
I have no idea of what she means by integration. But I disagree that compromise means no one gets what they want. It works quite well if what you want is a healthy and long lasting relationship, and when this means more to you than getting everything your way.
Being defensive about a weight issue doesn’t resolve anything, it just adds fuel to the fire. If the wife actually loses the weight ON HER TERMS, she ultimately benefits from it more than the husband does. She will become more healthy, less susceptible to long term illness/disease, more attractive to her husband (or somebody else if she chooses to dump him), more confidence, more energy to give towards her kids, less stress, etc…these reasons alone should be good enough to do it with or without the husband’s input, whether he gave it tactfully or inappropriately OR NOT AT ALL. Just because he might not have mentioned anything about weight doesn’t mean he’s ok with it. He may not know how to communicate it without an impending shitstorm.
How could he have been more tactful? Use the sandwich method: two positive comments (the bread) with the meat being constructive criticism.
“Honey, you look wonderful in that dress; have you lost some weight? It has gotten me to think about ourselves because I have been worried about our health and we seem to have less energy to get through our day. Maybe we can do evening walks or jog together or go to the gym. I need you to be healthy, and I want to be healthy for you and the kids as well. To me, you are the most beautiful women in the world and I want to love and cherish you for as long as we draw air…the longer the better.”
She will see that you are commenting on the issue of weight and he also would make it a team effort instead of personalizing it. It wouldn’t hurt for him to get the same benefits of losing weight or maintaining a level of fitness.
Infidelity is not just having an affair. It can be destructive habits that harm the relationship as well; not just exclusive to affairs, alcoholism, addiction and abuse. “Letting yourself go” is considered as one of them, so YES, it is a concern of the husband if the wife is letting herself go, and vice-versa. I have “let myself go” over the years…from 240 pounds when I married in 1986, up to 310 in 2005. My wife never made any mention of my gain throughout those years, even when she unilaterally jogged and dieted over the years…but I wish she did. Instead, along with my controlling behavior and other acts of stupidity, she became involved with someone else. Communication over the years would have lessened or even prevented what happened, but sometimes it takes some major event (my step-brothers death from a heart attack plus the discovery of the affair in 2005) to change my list of priorities. I took it upon myself to loose the pounds, not for her, but for myself…because I would need the health and energy to refocus on my wife and family. It was instrumental to aid my ability to solve many issues we had. I am currently back to my marrying weight (around 240-245), and getting back on track (post-holiday re-commitment) to shoot for 210.
So, in a nutshell, losing weight to maintain a level of fitness is a concern for each partner in a relationship. It is each other’s business because it aids in creating/maintaining fidelity in the relationship by being there for each other physically, instead of being an early widow or widower.
There are no excuses for cheating, ever. Nobody is forcing you to stay with your wife/girlfriend, whatever reason you have for wanting to sleep with someone else should be reason enough for you to break up/divorce your current partner before you do it. If the guy is shallow enough that her wife gaining some weight is enough for him to want someone else then so be it, but he needs to leave her first.