I’ve read it and have both audiobooks (abridged and 'un’abridged).
Good stuff, although the ‘complete’ (unabridged) version is edited, for some reason…
This is totally what I do when my guy is away. I’m not quite sure why :dubious:
De-cat your house completely (albeit temporarily) for her return and borrow a nice, friendly, housebroken doggy who’ll answer to your cat’s name. The dog will be a lot happier to see your SO who it’s never met before if when you greet your SO with a hug at the door, you slip a pork chop in her pocket or something like that.
Make a tincture of catnip, then rub it into your scalp. Wear the cat like a freaky Daniel Boone hat.
You could eat a big ol’ mess of beans and spend the day just farting up the place. The cat might be annoyed, but so what? It doesn’t speak english and you can close doors.
You always wanted a polka-dotted living room, right?
Leave the seat up.
That’s what I was going to recommend too- when my wife’s out of town for a few days, I load up early on all the stuff loaded with beans that I like (Mexican food, red beans and rice, etc…) and eat stuff she doesn’t like, such as buffalo wings, non-compromise pizzas (toppings I like, such as anchovies), etc…
I also tend to watch what I want to watch on TV, play a lot of video games, etc…
6.4 pounds of pork ribs thawing, baby!
OK, I’m not going to eat them all. In fact, I’m going to wait to cook them until she gets back. But I do have a can of haggis sitting on the counter. 
I was out for a bit, and she left a message that she made it to Portland with no problems.
You gonna try the target peeing thing?
You’ve got a pussy in your house while the SO is away and you need to ask:dubious:
The Spicy McHaggis Sandwich didn’t work. Too dry to hold together out of the can, and turns into organ mush when I cook it. Thread in CS.
Do what HowToBasic does. 
Naw, that would be the NFC Double Down Haggis Sandwich.
Haggis between two slices of Lutefisk.
Wow. Just wow.
Do something really zany and wild, like posting to and reading an online message board. Perhaps boards.straightdope.com would be up your alley?
Then again, better stick to the target urination.
Damn - shaved pussy!
Way to go, Johnny!
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Insider knowledge. Vomit is the “special sauce”.
The first thing that I usually eat when my wife is gone that she hates and I like is a little lower quality than that. White Castle.