She's Having a Baby

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Chris, in regards to the father’s statement that if he doesn’t want to the child to be raised by strangers, tell him this:

I was adopted by strangers and they inturn adopted a stranger with faulty plumbing and they became my family.

The father sounds very immature and needs to be beaten. Tell me his college address and I shall quietly arrange for Guido to beat him senseless and give him a vasectomy while he is out. Maybe remove his kidney for donation while he’s at it.

People change not because they see the light but because they feel the heat.

42

Hm. I’m trying not to be rude, but I think this “support whatever decision” business is a problem. If I had a 16 year old (I cannot believe how young that is) that got pregnant, you better believe I would make the decision for her and one that would be best for HER. This would be after beating the crap out of her (figuratively, of course) and her boyfriend.

What kind of world is this that a 16 year old is having sex with a 20 year old? SICK!! I am flabbergasted by this whole premise - it sounds as if there is a total lack of discipline and self respect all around. Is this normal behavior in America? Gross.

BTW, I am NOT a conservative person, but I can’t believe this is happening in the year 1999. And I used to think talk shows were made up!

43

“What kind of world is this that a 16 year old is having sex with a 20 year old?”

It is a world in which children are no longer bethothed while in the single digits and marry in the early teens as a routine matter of fact. It is a world where girls are not liabilities nor assets to be bought and sold. It is a world in which there are choices.

44

I cannot personally pass judgments on MJ or the baby’s father in regard to their age difference. My boyfriends have always been older than me, in fact, my husband is five years older and I often joke that he’s just a pup. (We’re 23 and 29, been together since we were 17 and 22.)

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

45

And I’m a moron. He’s not 29, he’s 28. I kept looking at that, knowing it wasn’t right.

Of course, instead of questioning myself on whether or not I was right about his age, I started guessing at my own first…

I thought that my brain would come back after I gave birth… not so far…

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

46

My mother had me when she was 16…barely. Her birthday is in the end of February, and mine is in the beginning of April. When she found out she was pregnant, she considered marrying my father, but decided against it. She had the complete financial (and sporadic emotional) support of her parents, though, which is one of the reasons everything turned out the way it did. Mom’s now a doctor, and I’m a Dean’s list college senior. With support, all things are possible.

However, she did it pretty much all herself. She didn’t have her parents wake up with me in the middle of the night. She was the one who had to take care of me while I was up all night throwing up and she had finals in the morning. Although her younger sisters babysat me on occasion so she could get some much needed free time, her life was definitely not easy. But I have the utmost respect for my mother. She made her mistakes. All mothers do. But given the position she was in, she did her best to provide the best possible life for me. She finished high school in three years instead of the usual four. She graduated college. She went to medical school. I remember when she was accepted into medical school. I was about six years old, and she and I and one of my aunts were jumping up and down and screaming and crying. And she made it through all of those things with a very young child. Only by the time she got into her residency was I old enough to take care of myself, for the most part.

Now that I’m an adult, I can fully appreciate the struggles my mother went through with me. Every time I take a test or write a paper, I wonder if I could have done it while taking care of a toddler. I don’t think I could. If this girl decides to have and keep this baby, life is going to be incredibly difficult for her. But it won’t be impossible. My mother often tells me that having me was a good incentive for her to make sure that she always worked hard toward her ambitions, because she had more to care about then just herself. Maybe that will be the same for your young friend.

47

Danny: Of course I’m not talking about the 1700’s. Geez, to I have to qualify every single statement?

All I am saying is that I hope this girl has dreams and goals. I hope she wants to become an expert in a field of study, I hope she has a place in mind that she would like to travel to. I hope that she has a lot of boyfriends. I hope that she becomes a mother when she becomes a WOMAN (getting a period or having sex does not mean that she’s a woman). I hope she’s able to complete the goals she has someday.

Of course we’ve all had older boyfriends and they’ve been great relationships. But I was under the impression that having sex with a 16 year old is statutory rape.

Of course having and making choices is what life is all about in this free society WHEN YOU’RE A LEGAL ADULT. My point was that I would think that instead of “supporting” her daughter and offering to raise the child, the girl might not have become pregnant if the mother had said, “you’re 16, you’re not allowed to have sex yet, especially with that moron.” The daughter may have listened. In my experience, parents who were very active in their children’s lives had children who didn’t make stupid mistakes.

I don’t know a single person who became pregnant before age 22. Does that make me less qualified to make these statements?

48

Mel, you are definitely qualified to make whatever statements you wish to make. You are allowed your opinion. If I may provide mine… (the following paragraph is not to be related to MJ’s situation, it is purely Chris’ opinion)

Not for one minute do I believe that “disallowing” a teenager from having sex will stop them. It’s human nature, it’s puberty, it’s rebellion, it’s growing up. It’s going to happen. It’s probably more likely to happen when a teen is disallowed from it, so they can prove to their “stupid” parents that they can handle it.

Believe it or not, 14 (in Iowa, anyway) is the age of legal consent, provided that the partner is no more than five years older. At sixteen and twenty, no statutes have been raped :slight_smile: (sorry, bad joke)

She does have dreams, goals, and no desire to put them off in order to become a mother at 16.

For those that missed it, she, her mother, and the baby’s father are going to PP to discuss aspects of adoption and abortion, and they’ll be seeking adoption counseling elsewhere, as well. (I told her about your suggestions, Cristi).

At any rate, I don’t think we can blame her parents for her pregnancy. MJ is a smart and beautiful girl, the kind that could pretty much get any guy she wanted. She made and defended her decision to not have sex for more than two years after her FIRST and ONLY other experience. Why she chose to sleep with this man, I don’t know, but she made that choice for herself as well, and she’s dealing with the consequences rationally and courageously.

I not only support her, I damn well admire her.

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

49

Chris:
Fair 'nuff - thanks for the great comments. I agree that teens won’t stop having sex, but I believe they’ll be veeerrrry careful about it if they know their parents disapprove. That’s how it was for me and my friends anyway.

I also wish her the best and hope that no one else ever has to make such a terrifying decision.

50

Don’t get your hopes up. My kids are 8, 15, and 17, and my brain is still not back to normal. In fact, I think it is getting worse.

Melanie - The age for statutory rape varies state to state.

Do you know if this girl’s mother forbid her from having sex? Even if she had, it may not have stopped her. It someone is going to have sex, they are going to have sex. I don’t think we have any right to blame the mother for her daughter’s pregnancy unless there is something to the contrary (which I haven’t seen).

Chris said that the girl at one time had Norplants. That in itself tells me that the mother understands that teens are going to have sex and although she might not have liked it, she was acting reponsible in putting her daughter on birth control.

I have made it very clear to my children that I do not approve of them having sex, however, I also understand that my wishes may not enough and it will ultimately their decision. This is why I have made them promise to tell me if they are considering it so we can look at birth control options.

No, it doesn’t make you less qualified, but I think it does make you less informed. What me and other posters have been trying to point out to you is that YES, it is extremely hard for a teenage girl to raise a baby (hell, it is hard to raise kids at any age), and YES, she will be missing out on a lot of things, but there are girls who became pregnant at a young age and turned out just fine. So did their babies.

I think DrainBead turned out pretty good, don’t you?

I agree that there are a lot of 16 year old girls who do not have the ability or responsibility to raise a baby. There are those who, while they may not have gotten pregnant on purpose, are mature and responsible and have support from family (emotional and financial) to be great moms and raise great kids.

Each case is individual, and while the majority of girls may not be able to handle the responsibility, there are those who can and do (just look at the stories on this thread).

It isn’t fair to say that every 16 year old girl should give her baby up for adoption simply because of her age. There are so many other factors involved.

>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

51

Thousands of girls and women make this decision every day.

>^,^<
KITTEN
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

52

Um. Yeah, I know Diane, that thousands of women make that decision - I’m not a moron - the key word was “hope”. What I’m trying to do is think of ways of preventing those situations. I guess the cities (the government, the stores, the clubs) I’ve lived in (Madison, Wisc, San Francisco, New York) have always made birth control and sexual type information available to everyone. And I think most people use it and/or listen - hence me and my friends never having to deal with teen pregnancy. I know mistakes happen, but I’m trying to figure out how they happen in this day and age.

I mean, I hear about the rapid spread of AIDS and other STDs, teen preganancy etc. and I just get mad. These problems are so easy to prevent! I dunno, I guess I just think it’s carelessness or stupidity (but I don’t think people should have to live with their mistake hence my views on abortion/adoption).

So I guess my question is this: What can we as a society do to prevent unwanted pregnancies? What could we have done so this poor girl wouldn’t have gotten pregnant? Because if it “takes a village” to raise a child, then I believe the village has to help make sure the women having children are in a strong position to.

53

I live in an area where the teen pregnancy and STD rates are just about the highest in the entire country. It’s also one of the most religious places- that is, almost everyone is a fundamentalist christian.

There is no sex ed in the schools. There are two Planned Parenthood clinics in town (TWO birth control clinics in a city of upwards of 200,000 people) but it’s routinely picketed. Abortions are not available in this city; you have to go to Dallas for that, which is a six hour drive. People picket PP here because they’re affiliated with other clinics that provide abortions and because they provide birth control to teenagers without the parents’ consent. (Gasp.)

Two of my husband’s three sisters got pregnant as teenagers (one of them at the age of 16, the father was 15, and they got married at that age). I know dozens of women here who have given up babies for adoption, many more who have kept babies they had as teenagers, and a few who admit to having abortions. Of all my female friends, I can count on one hand the ones who DID NOT get pregnant as a teenager.

54

That makes me want to cry, Holly, but thanks for sharing. I wholeheartedly stand by the education = less pregnancy argument. How on earth do people justify picketing Planned Parenthood?

55

I’m glad my suggestions were appreciated! I do have some pretty vitriolic opinions on teen pregnancy, to be quite honest, but hey, that’s not what this girl needs. One thing I forgot to say–thank goodness this girl has family support. That alone can make all the difference in the world, regardless of what she chooses to do. I had a trained counselor to help me, but I’ll tell you what, if my family hadn’t been there for me, I’d probably have gone nuts.

One more little story to share, if I may. My mom stood by me every minute of my pregnancy. One thing she didn’t tell me, though, was that in 1966, she was in my shoes. She got pregnant, and gave a child up for adoption as well. We’ve since been reunited with her, and it’s been great. But the reason my mom never told me while I was pregnant was because she wanted me to make up my own mind. I was 20, though, not 16. My mom was more or less forced into her decision, and she had no desire to do that to me.

While MJ is not yet an adult, she now has to make a very adult decision. I’m sure she will choose what is right for her, and with the support of her family (and friends like Chris), she will survive.

56

As the parent of a 15 (almost 16 year old) can I jump in here–I am getting so peeved at constantly being told that teenagers will have sex regardless of their parents and so parents just have to accept it.
That is bull in most cases. What happens is that there is little or no supervision of the kid. You assume that once they’re 15 or 16 you can just let them go. Well, you can’t. Supervision is the key here. I don’t understand how parents can let their daughters date much older men. My daughter told me yesterday of one kid–12 years old!!! who has been sleeping with a 29 year old man!!! There is no way my 12 year old could have EVER had the opportunity to sleep with a 29 year old man because she was SUPERVISED!!! I think parents just decide to bow out when it gets tough. If your kid needs it, then you make sure that they are chaperoned and supervised so that they don’t have the opportunity & time to get pregnant. Parents need to take control here. Check out the people the kid is hanging around with. Meet their parents. Get these parents to agree to take turns hosting and supervising the kids. Give them lots of activities they can do in groups.
I admit, there is one kid in a hundred who will figure out how to evade this–skipping class, doing it in the janitor’s closet in school–but most kids won’t. I’m tired of being told to give up being a responsible, decent, involved parent because it’s impossible, or because kids will have sex regardless, or it’s the kids choice, or whatever. We have to arm our kids and protect them till they have the skills to protect themselves. That means teaching them about peer pressure, about boy’s lines, about older predatory men, about birth control, about the costs of sexual activity and about how to choose a responsible and decent partner when adult. AND it means providing them with physical support like adult supervision and planned activities so they aren’t faced with so many pressures.
Ok, off my soapbox. Guess I’ve seen too many talk shows where some teenybopper was pregnant by some old man and not once were the parents ever asked how the kid was left alone with such a predator.

57

:::sniffle:::

I love you guys!

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

58

Darnit, Smilingjaws… you put my sentimental little post in a really wierd spot.

Grrr.

Nobody said that parents have to stop being involved in their kids’ lives. It’s still gonna happen. My mother was very vocal in her opinions of me having sex, she grounded me when I broke curfew, she could be a real tyrant when I fucked up. But I still had sex. I lost my virginity at 15 in an apartment across the street from school during lunch hour. I went on to be one of the luckiest women I know in that I NEVER got pregnant and never contracted any STDs although I was rather promiscuous.

Supervision? My mom invented the concept.
She thought it up with my two best friend’s minister parents. One of them got pregnant at 17, the other at 19.

Sex is part of life. It’s going to happen whether you’re watching your kids or not. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, it doesn’t mean you have a bad kid. It just means that we’re human.

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

59

Um… So what, you’d force your daughter to have an abortion? If I had gotten pregnant as a teenager and my mother forced me into an abortion, I’d probably have killed myself. I certainly would never have spoken to my mother again as long as I lived. How would you feel if someone killed your child? Or even just gave your child away?

>^,^<
“Cluemobile? You’ve got a pickup…”
OpalCat’s site: http://opalcat.com
The Teeming Millions Homepage: fathom.org/teemingmillions

60

Well, since I’m 26 years old and not a parent, I can’t say exactly what decision I would make. And quite honestly, I don’t think I would ever have a daughter in that position - I think I would make a damn good, strong, strict mother (like mine was) that would be open but not tolerate carelessness.

But thinking about it: if my daughter was strong enough and if she thought like me, then, yes, I would probably schedule an abortion. I probably do not have the same views on abortion as you do (although I’m not positive what yours are). So what’s the point of arguing about it - none of these people actually exist and it all boils down to a matter of opinion. But I stand by my statement that the thought of a 16 year old mother boggles my mind and makes me really depressed.

There are a lot of painful things that happen in life. We’ve all been through total crap and have horror story after horror story. And we are all glad to know that Chris’ friend is going to make her own decision (with the help of a counselor, thank god). For this reason, I’m not going to think about “what ifs”.

BTW, all of this has made me think that I’m going to do some volunteer work at Planned Parenthood. It sounds like they provide the best and most essential services in America.