Should accusations of gaslighting be treated as accusations of lying?

[thorny_locust]

@DemonTree

I was trying to express how this reaction of reflexively denying the existence of something I’ve experienced made me feel.

But I (and probably others) was denying what I thought you said. Not denying what you apparently meant to say.

We can’t automatically guess what you mean, no matter how sincerely you mean it.

So it seems to me that misunderstanding is still the issue; and that if people appear to be denying something that you’re sure happens, the first thing to do is to make sure that they understood what you meant.

@Velocity

For instance, I may say, “All of the New York Yankees fans I’ve ever encountered were mean jerks.” And someone else may say, “Nonsense, all of the Yankees fans that I know are great friendly people! You’re making things up.”

Even if not meant to be gaslighting, it comes across as gaslighting because Person B is trying to claim that Person A’s experiences are fake or invalid just because they don’t jibe with Person B’s own (different, separate) experience.

I wouldn’t say “you’re making things up”. I’d say something along the lines of “we must know different people” or “that isn’t my experience”.

If you react to somebody saying their experience is different as if they automatically mean to deny yours – that problem’s with you. If they actually say you’re making yours up – the problem’s with them.

But if what you said was just ‘New York Yankees fans are mean jerks.’ without specifying that you mean only the ones you’ve personally encountered – that would also be your problem.