Wow Tokyobayer, we really are in similar boats. It’s good to know I am not alone.
The only difference is regarding money. My brother is just the opposite. He won’t accept charity from family, possibly because he doesn’t want to leave his moral high ground so to speak. I have more than once thought of giving him a decent sized chuck of money (as a gift) to give him some peace of mind over his student loan debts, but he would just see it as transferring his (financial and moral) debt from one creditor to another…
Make a payment on his loan, as a Christmas gift, send the receipt in a card wishing him a great year. Maybe mention that while he has issues with you, you’ll always love him and he’ll always be your brother.
Done.
Do exactly the same next year, and the year after that, etc.
Until he comes round toward you, stick to the simplest straight forward once a year gift card. Take comfort in knowing when he wants to re engage with you he will. And until that time you’ll have to just make do, with a once a year reminder that you still care and still consider him your brother.
I’m not sure that you can do anything else that won’t cause more conflict, press his buttons, or cause you yet more frustration and disappointment.
Not knowing anything specific about your brother other than what you write, I have absolutely not idea if this is appropriate advice or not, but I would really hesitate giving him money now about the loan, because it wouldn’t really give him peace of mind.
Consider putting the money aside and if he really needs it, then give it to him.
I can suffer from some of the same symptoms that my brother did (comes from growing up in our home, something not for the meek) and it really takes a lot to keep the demons away at times. If I let them in, the tiniest details can really obsess me. Fortunately, I’m better able to handle things most of the time.