Should I be doing more to help my estranged mentally-ill brother?

In My Humble Opinion
1

With the holidays creeping up I am feeling more familial than usual, and my thoughts go back to my estranged brother ‘Mike’. Here’s some background in a thread I wrote last year, but the short of it is that Mike, who has OCD and probably other mental health issues, pretty much cut all communications with the family a few years ago, with the exception of occasional abusive tirades aimed primarily at me. Following the time of the previous thread, I have made no attempts at all of interacting with him, and the harassment has finally stopped.

So I guess you would call this a state of peace, but I cannot forget that Mike is still my brother, he is unwell, and I love him. It may be peace, but I feel a real loss that he is not in my life, and I am not there for him. In terms of his behavior, it is hard to figure out. Mike spent a year in an institution for OCD in his early 20s, and he was one of their success cases in that the treatment significantly reduced the incidence of his obsessional behavior. After the institution, he spent some time in a group home, and soon after went into law school and passed the bar (on his second try). However, although he would say that he is completely cured (he refuses any outpatient counseling or medication), and he is functioning at a pretty high level, to those of us around him he still has some pretty big issues. He has major hangups about sex and sexual purity (he is literally a 40 yo virgin). He has refused to set foot in the village where he grew up, even when he was on good terms with the family. He would engage in long phone and email tirades on moral/purity issues, where he would insist that we agree with him and even admit our own guilt. He can’t keep a roommate for more than a few months because he is so demanding about how they should behave. He has sort of a reverse bucket list where he feels that he must make up for things that he missed in high school and college (he went on Spring Break, alone, at 35), and he has been working 60-hour weeks as a paralegal for about 10 years to earn money to pay off his law school debts. (this is quite ironic – he refuses to leave the paralegal work as an entry-level law job would pay less than hourly paralegal work with no option of overtime. But this means he is working like crazy to pay off loans for a law degree that after 10 years of not practicing, is now mostly worthless). And he harbors grudges for things than happened decades ago in his childhood.

As I mentioned in my earlier thread, Mike’s attitude towards the family seems especially acute toward me, his older brother, and has included harassment (emails, letters, and phone calls). In particular he resents the fact that I left the US 18 years ago to pursue my career, and have been living abroad ever since. He seems to see that as some sort of betrayal, and has said in the past that he does not want to invest in a relationship with me unless I move back to the US. He also harbors anger at something that I did when I was 14 and he was 11 for which (many years later) I did apologize, but he has followed up with some other demands that I cannot meet. The problem with these obsessional demands is that it doesn’t seem to work to try to appease him. The family has tried to give into his demands in the past, but he just comes up with something new.

Anyway, back to the present. Mike has not been in any contact with the family for 4 years now. When my parents try to send him letters or gifts for the holidays, he writes ‘delivery refused’ and sends them back. But they still try, because they cannot accept the idea of giving up on him. I have tried the same in the past, but in addition to refusing my communication, he responds with abuse. So while the rest of my family continues to make token attempts at communication, I have stopped.

But it breaks my heart. I love my brother and wish he was in my life. Unlike my history with some other family members, I have never had a falling out with Mike, and aside from his quirks, which are not his fault, he is a good and loving person. I wish that I could make him feel better, make his life better, but past attempts have not had any impact, and have resulted in my own pain (and my wife’s as well).

Anyway, with the holidays coming, I again feel the desire to reach out and let him know that I care about him. But I can’t imagine a scenario where that would end well. Given what I have described, am I taking the right approach, or should I be doing more to reach out to my brother?

2

Just because they are family doesn’t mean they automatically deserve your love. Mike may have his problems, but if he’s just going to be abusive, I would let him stay away from you until he gets his own issues under control.

I spent many years trying to make peace with my narcissistic mother. I’m much happier now that I don’t even think about her at Christmastime.

3

<bolding mine>

I think you have the right intentions, but if nothing good is to be gained, perhaps the status quo is the only ‘good’ course of action for the forsee-able future for all concerned.

4

The question is “Can you do anything more to help your brother?” Sadly, it doesn’t sound like it. I tried to reach out to my estranged brother in the past, he has less problems than yours, and it still didn’t work out, and we are now permanently estranged. There’s a limit to the abuse you can take.

5

I just re-read my post and realize that my approach was placing a lot of emphasis on protecting myself and family from my brother’s abuse. That is part of it for sure, but even if there wasn’t the abuse factor, I am not sure what would be the best way to engage with him.

Even when Mike was in touch with us, a majority of our conversations were focused on his various pet topics (we could never call them obsessions with Mike because any suggestion that he still have obsessional issues would lead to quick termination of the call). And often what he wanted was for us either to agree with him, or sometimes to change our own behavior. But even if we could do what he asked, would that be helpful, or just enabling his obsessions? It’s tricky…

But back to my main question, I guess I feel guilty to have dropped him completely, when my mother and father still make an effort despite the rejections. I guess the difference is that they are not receiving the abuse, or at least not as much as I am. Perhaps I need to ask them a bit more about how they see the situation…

6

What does your brother need help with? (The question in the subject asks whether you should help him)

He’s got a job and he is mobile (goes on vacations) and presumably has food, shelter and clothing. He doesn’t seem to have an addictions that he needs help with.

What could you possibly do to help him at this point?

7

Bolding mine. I think this is a very salient point. Someone who is abusive and non-engaging to you does not really deserve your efforts any more. A relationship is a two-way street - sometimes you give, and sometimes you get. When one person is all take and no give, it is no longer a relationship, but a responsibility for the other. Is that what you want?

My brother has had anxiety problems since early adulthood and could never hold a job, keep a room-mate, pay rent, or basically function they way a “normal” person can. He is not a bad person, and not a subtance abuser. My parents coddled him and tried to help him, but they only shielded him from reality. When they died a few years ago, he looked to me for that support. In the past I tried to help him in may ways, but my concern and help never amounted to much - it never really “helped” him. I could not now be his parent - it was tough, but I knew I needed to put some space between us, otherwise, I would end up with another responsibility, which I did not want and do not have capacity for.

Today we see each other on my terms, when I decide - in the past he guilted me into visiting him, giving him money, supporting him, etc. I feel better about the situation since I took charge, and he seems better as well, like he finally grew-up (with the aid of consistent counseling and meds).

My advice is that you do not need to guilt yourself into supporting a toxic relationship only because he is “family”. Family has a way of doing that without any help from you. If a friend treated you the way he does, would you accept it?

8

I advise you to get in touch with him again and help him fix his issues.

This way, we’ll have an unending supply of interesting IMHO and Pit threads to read for the years to come.

9

Your parents have a very different relationship with your brother than the relationship you have with him. He probably behaves in a more moderate way with them. Additionally, they probably are much more tolerant of his behaviour in general.

Your dynamics will be different because there is always going to be some level of sibling rivalry aspect to any sibling relationship, no matter how close you may be. If you’re estranged, it’ll be amplified.

But by all means, discuss this with your parents. See what approach they take when communicating with him.

10

It sounds like no matter what you do or say, it will be wrong.

What does your wife think? Aside from you, she’ll be the one most affected.

11

As someone who has a mental disorder - OCD, I’m a germaphobe and anxiety freak - let me put in my two cents:

  1. Sometimes you just can’t help someone with a mental disorder. Often, attempts to “cure” them will lead to resentment and anger, because they have mentally analyzed and dissected their own disorder for years from every angle. Suggesting something point-blank obvious is going to cause resentment; it’s like saying, *“Why don’t engineers build an airplane out of black box material so that the airplane will be indestructible?” *It will cause eye-rolling and a frustrated response.

  2. Most people with a mental disorder know perfectly well that they have a mental disorder. But just like fear of spiders, you can’t talk them out of it.

12

Some more two cents:

  1. It’s unfortunate that your brother is being unreasonable. But people with mental disorders who hold a grudge will sometimes listen to a stranger or acquaintances who points out that their grudge is unjustified; they just won’t listen to the person whom they hold a grudge against. Maybe you can get someone to very indirectly, very subtly, talk him through the grudges so he can see they’re unreasonable.

  2. Some people who hold a grudge thrive on a certain martyrdom or “wronged/injustice” attitude. Your brother, after working so many years at a grueling 60-hour-a-week, may see himself as having suffered with no choice. You mentioned that “he is working like crazy to pay off loans for a law degree that after 10 years of not practicing, is now mostly worthless.” He may later on try to practice law, know that his law degree is mostly worthless, fail, and then be angry that his law degree is mostly worthless.

13

You mentioned that your brother constantly focuses on the past, even decades ago. That’s a prime example of OCD behavior/symptoms. OCD people often just don’t let go of things. It’s unfortunate, but that’s how it is.
The saddest thing is that your brother will probably be hit with a huge tidal wave of regrets on his deathbed. In that moment, truth and reality will probably strike him clearly at last. But it’ll be decades too late.

14

Tell him you love him and that you’ll always be there for him if he wants you to be. That’s all you can do.

15

Also, after reading your last thread, I think it would be a mistake to do much to help him besides letting him know that the bridge hasn’t been burnt. The last thing you want to do is to convince him that you can help him with his illness – he’ll just resent you even more when you can’t immediately make things better for him.

16

To reply to the question in the thread title: no. There is no “should” here; you have no obligation to your brother, especially not when he abuses you. But if you really are feeling like you want to reconnect, you could send him a Christmas card in a couple weeks - something along the lines of “I love you, hope you have a great holiday season,” etc, etc. Even if it doesn’t work (which, to be honest, it probably won’t), the important thing is that you feel better. Do whatever makes you feel good.

17

All the above comments do not seem to fit with the following comment:

Maybe you don’t think you’ve had a falling out with Mike, but abusive tirades, harassment, long-standing anger… well, they sound like a falling out. Maybe Mike thinks you have had multiple 'falling out’s with him. It sounds like he perceives the situation quite differently from you (possibly in large part from his illness), but I don’t know what you can do to change that, especially given that you’ve said you’ve tried more than once. Maybe it’s time to let go? I know that sounds blunt, but you can’t make someone else change or make them feel something… so how many times do you keep trying the same thing and expect different results?

18

Thanks a lot Velocity. It is great having someone with personal experience of the disorder sharing what they know. Regarding your 3rd point, the only contact Mike has at all with the family at this time is with my paternal grandmother, who lives only an hour from him and he sees several times a year. It is a bit ironic as my grandmother has never been that close to any of us, but we are very grateful that he has her at least. What little information we get about Mike comes from her, though we are all very careful that Mike never feels that she is reporting on him. I think that she does try to challenge him whenever possible (she is a tough lady!), but is very careful not to push him away.

And to a couple other posters who are telling me all I can really do is to let him know that I an there for him and love him, that is what I am thinking. There is nothing I can do about his OCD, and frankly I am not qualified anyway.

19

This is why I like to ask for advice here, you guys provide a different perspective. You are right Essured, Mike probably does think we have had a falling out, even if I don’t. It’s just that from my point of view, until a few years ago, Mike was one of my few ‘good’ family members :rolleyes:

20

It could very well have been me who wrote the OP.

Estranged mentally-ill younger brother? Check.

Brother refusing treatment? Check

Brother obsessive about everything? Check

Brother lost in his own world and any conversation is only about him and the unreal world he lives in? Check

Highly manipulative? Check

Abusive? Check

Harassing emails? Check

My living overseas? Check, 26 years.

Numerous attempts to help? Check

Feeling of guilt of not being able to help? Check

Need to protect myself and my family from him? Check

I finally had to let it go. It was hard to do, but I can’t help him. There’s a saying that you can’t help alcoholics until they stop drinking and mentally ill people until they get treatment.

It’s tough, because I’m the kind of guy who likes helping others and why can’t I help my own brother? He’s only had a few jobs here and there and basically lives off my mother’s guilt.

I can’t count the times he’s approached me for money. He lives in a fantasy world where he’ll invent the newest whatever and make zillions of dollars. He sponged money off everyone until no one, except my mother will give him any more.

One time, I told him that I would pay him if he would do voluntary work. I could work 2 minutes or six hours whenever he felt like he could, and I’d give him $8/hr or something. (This would have been on top of the money my mother was giving him.) He refused. I “owed” him the money.

We would go through these cycles where we’d email, and I’d try to give support and a tiny bit of advice, all the while, he would be trying to get money from me. When I refused to just fork over cash, he’d attempt to manipulate me (Him: “If I don’t get this money, it’s either jail or dying on the streets.” Me: “OK, if it’s jail, drop me an email when you’re out.”) Then he’d become abusive.

The final straw was when my son died and he told me that I had killed my son. It hadn’t really sunk in that he was that sick until that happened.

I had to change my email at some point and instructed people to not share it with him. If he ever gets treatment, we can talk, but not until then.

I’m sorry that someone else has to go through this as well.