My older brother Brian has always picked on me, which wasn’t a big deal when we were younger. Now that we are both adults, he seems to still want to keep the roles of our youth. He constantly puts me down because I am a teacher. He says that teachers make too much money, get too much time off, and don’t have to do any real work. He has been in the military since high school, which I greatly admire, but he basically looks down on me because I didn’t join up.
We are very different in almost every way. He is a rough around the edges, self-proclaimed redneck, who drinks beer all day every day and loves to piss and shoot guns off his back porch. Since I don’t get stone cold drunk when he is around, he makes me out to be some sort of sissy. I think years of his verbal attacks have caused me to question my own manliness on many occasions. I try not to let it get to me, but it always seems to be in the back of my head.
Things hit the boiling point just last night. He was in town to visit,and my uncle held a poker party for all the guys. I show up at 8 and he is already drunk off his ass. Things were fine at first, then he threw in a couple of jabs about my work. I didn’t say anything at the time. Later we got into a slight argument over how the card game should be played, and before I know it he is standing over me with a finger in my face, swearing at me and telling me he will kick my ass if I don’t keep my mouth shut. I said nothing, and left about 10 minutes later. He hugged me on the way out, almost as if nothing had happened.
I feel like maybe I should have taken him up on his challenge to fight, but another part of me says I should just avoid him until he learns how to treat me with some level of respect. I love my brother, but I am tired of being treated this way. I would appreciate any advice you all have.
I guess thanks for listening would be appropriate?
I think that your brother may be an alcoholic. There are organizations which might help you to cope with his crap w/o you turning into an enabler. I think AL-ANON is one. And one last thing: his very actions towards you like anger, frustration, and the hug may be cries for help.
Ooh yeah, gotta love a guy who measures his manhood by how far he can piss off his porch.
You could try asking him why, if he’s so fucking manly and military, he’s sitting on his ass at home instead of being deployed to Iraq or Afganistan.
Or, you could just refuse to play into his stupid macho headgames, cut him out of your life and get some therapy to deal with the damage he’s done.
Personally I vote for number two. If you’re at the point where you hate him, and it’s obvious that his behaviour isn’t going to change, stop wasting your time and giving him power over you.
Except, perhaps, I’d at least try telling him that he’s out of my life until he treats me with the respect he would give any other adult.
I did this with my older sister, with mixed results. However, I no longer worry about it and she has no power to piss me off any more. It seemed to bewilder her somewhat, as if the idea of becoming fully adult and leaving childish roles behind has never crossed her mind.
It’s been pretty much a win-win thing for me, though.
Even if your brother is an alcoholic, he has no right to treat you with anything less than respect. Don’t put up with what you don’t want to put up with, it’s that simple.
You say he’s a redneck basically by his own admission, and he’s a drunk, obviously.
He has to drink and piss off his porch to feel like a man, and he’s giving you shit about your manhood? I don’t care if he was in the military, me thinks the monkey has fallen far from the tree.
Don’t waste your time hating him, wait another ten years and we’ll see him falling off that porch in a pool of his piss, then let him talk about manhood.
To clear up one point: He has already been to the gulf twice, and is going for a year in Korea in one week.
Thanks to all of you for understanding and for your suggestions. I know he is an alcoholic, I guess I never thought of trying to get some counseling about how to deal with his alcoholism, but it does affect me. I have never discussed this with anyone in my family, because they all basically ignore the problem. It is cool to know that Dopers can be of help in situations like this. Thanks again.
Giraffe hits another home run. moejuck, it sounds like you are a nice guy who really doesn’t like to fight. But if you can make yourself do it, why not take a swing the next time he gets drunk and in your face? Since he’s your brother, the law is unlikely to get involved. And if he’s drunk enough, you are almost certain to win. Take out your entire lifetime’s worth of anger and frustration on his face, and when he wakes up the next morning wondering what in the hell happened, he might get the hint.
It sounds to me that since you have never stood up to him, deep down he really DOES think you’re a sissy. If you can’t or won’t try the solution I’ve laid out, you can either a) avoid him, or b) stand up to him non-violently. Because he sounds like an ignorant fool, I doubt either course of action would work as well as just kicking his ass. The thicker the skull, the more effort is required to pound an idea into it. But hey, he’s your brother.
This makes me appreciate my own brother a bit more. He might’ve picked on me a little bit when we were kids, but he stopped hitting me when he realized I had grown bigger than him, and since then has been one of the most consistently supportive friends I have. He’s one of the only people I really trust.
I hate my brother too. Actually, I’m indifferent towards him, but that’s basically the same as hate with me because I have much hate and it fills the vacuum in this area. Ever hatched plans on how you’re going to kill your brother and get away with it?
Your brother is an obnoxious, ignorant drunk. Even if he were able to get sober, you may still not care for him.
You don’t have to ‘like’ the people in your family. I have 5 siblings whom I like to varying degrees. But there is one sister that I will never ‘like’. We have reached a point where we can have occasional friendly conversations, but we will never be close and will never see eye-to-eye. If she weren’t a family member, I would not care to know her at all. Sad but true. I’m happy that we have reached this point, but that’s as far as I am willing to go and I’m sure she feels the same way.
Ummm… your brother is an aggressive, alcoholic asshole who will never stop picking on you. He is inherently a bully and especially so when drunk. You had best reconcile yourself to the fact that the only way he will stop doing this is if he has an personal epiphany that his behavior is rude and offensive, or on a more practical, real world note, that the personal cost of making these comments becomes too high for him to sustain. Bullies have a very finely tuned sense of the environment with respect to whom they can and cannot potentially victimize and all sorts of inputs go into making this calculation. I disagree with some that his behavior will stop if he stops drinking. He is inherently a bully, the drinking just makes it worse.
The main problem is (as others have noted) that you are are a fairly mild “nice” person who does not want to get into a mud slinging scrum with him so your options are limited. You cannot (in real terms) change your basic personality to become “someone with whom you do not fuck”, or someone who would blister his ears so badly the next time he opened his mouth about “teachers” that he would hide in the closet when you came over.
I don’t want to be critical, but you sound like a doormat here
Dealing with grownup bullies is basically a binary decision tree. Unless you are willing to lay into him verbally and humiliate him
so badly he fears your response to his jibes, it will not stop. So either engage him or avoid him, but stop hoping in vain for some epiphany on his part. You’re his punching bag and the only way that will change is if you become an aggressive, take no shit adult with him. Failing that, simply avoid him.
Thanks Astro. I guess I have always known it would someday come to the point where I would either have to abandon the relationship altogether, or simply have it out with him to whatever degree necessary. The more I have thought about it, and the more of your comments I have read, the more I wish I had just taken a few swings at him. It really just isn’t in my nature at all, but I am feeling more rage than pity for him since this last episode. I guess I won’t see him for at least a year from now, so when I do I will be ready to stand up to him.
I really appreciate the empathy and advice you all have given. I feel like you have given me the courage to take him on next time he puts me down. Thank you.
I dont think you should put up with your brother pushing you around like that-I have an older brother that was the same way with me-he is a total egomaniac and since we have been adults its even worse-he has a good job and makes alot of money and thinks he is just gods gift to the world-anyway he took his power a bit too far with me one time about 5 years ago by actually physically abusing me during an argument-I am much smaller(and I am a woman). It was enough for me to say hey I dont need this-I was renting one of the houses he owned at the time-right next door to where he lived with his wife and little girl-and I had only been in the ouse and at a new job and in a new city for one month when it happened and he was renting to me cheappp…but when he decided to knock me around I told myself that was it-I moved out and we have never really spoken since-in fact he doesnt communicate with anyone in my family-but I dont regret it one bit-I am proud that I stood up to him and took care of myself. I no longer have to listen to his irrational criticisms of me and everything I do-and I no longer have to hear all his stories of delusions of grandeur concerning himself-he is still buds with my ex and I get to hear things about him through him but frankly I do not care one bit. You would be doing yourself a big favor it sounds like to me to just cut ties with him. Its not your fault you happened to be bron into the same family.
I think your brother is jealous of you, moejuck. You’re the “smart” one. You’e the one with no drinking problem. You’re the one that does not want to be like him. Therefore, he feels threatened by you and is probably jealous.
I have a similar problem except instead of being a redneck alcoholic asshole, is a sophisticated asshole. He is a gourmet cook, a wine connisseur, really really smart, speaks several languages, travels to Europe frequently, listens to the right music, etc etc. He talks down to me and treats me like i am worthless when he deigns to notice me at all. The worst part is he talks down to our parents as well. I spent most of my life trying to do something “good” enough to impress him. At about age 35 I gave up. I will never succeed. Trying to impress him has been a hard habit to break though, I catch myself still trying when we are in the same place. Still doesn’t work. It has been suggested that he is jealous of me but I can’t for the life of me figure out how. I think he would prefer I didn’t exist and the only thing he is jealous of is having to share his mommy and daddy with someone else. You cannot make someone like you, you can learn how to deal with your reaction to what your brother does. I vent to my friends about the latest rotten thing he has said, I no longer complain to my parents unless they ask and I then downplay it. They love him and don’t see his flaws. I guess it is a good thing cause they love me and don’t see mine. I have parents who love me, friends who laugh at my jokes and a dog who worships the ground I walk on. What more do I need.