I’m not sure where to put this - I am asking for book recommendations primarily, but the topic is more MPSIMS, so mods, I’m sorry if I chose incorrectly.
My brother (17) is going through a rough patch, but he says he’s fine, and he actually seems to be doing ok emotionally (though he might just be putting up a good front. I know I do). Both of my parents have issues that have negatively affected us kids, and I think they are handling this current situation very badly.
In a nutshell, my brother is pretty much failing school (he’s a senior in high school), and my mother takes this (as well has his lying about his grades - he’s always lied to avoid getting into trouble, unsurprisingly) as evidence that he is a lazy, ungrateful person, and will proceed accordingly (my father generally follows her lead). I am angry and appalled that she believes this. When he was little, my brother was a sweet, very sensitive, considerate kid. He doesn’t get into trouble, he’s responsible and good-tempered about going to school despite hating it, he doesn’t attack them physically or emotionally, he’s not at all malicious, yet she’s just writing him off as a bad person because she can’t understand his behavior.
Potentially important background information: My parents were not very nurturing of us kids. They love us, I know, but they aren’t affectionate. We got rewarded or punished, accordingly, and other than being praised when we did exceptionally well at something, we didn’t/don’t get much day to day positive feedback. In addition, they always assume the worst about us. Always. I know how hurtful that is, and I assumed that the way they treated me and thought of me must be the way I am, and even though I know better, even today, I still believe that I am not a good person. I don’t know if my siblings suffered the same way, but I think they must have. Additionally, communication regarding emotions and sensitive topics is uncommon in our house (I still live at home). I’m better at it than my parents are, but we’re all still pretty emotionally stupid, for lack of a better word.
They also have anger issues. They’ve been doing better the past few years, but when we were younger, the way they reacted when angry made it risky for us to express anger or say anything critical about them. I mainly did anyway, being hot-headed, aggressive, and, in retrospect, something of an idiot, and I had no problem getting into shouting matches. My poor siblings just kept their heads down and avoided confrontation for the most part. Thinking about all this, I realized yesterday that I don’t think I’ve ever seen them confront my parents. They do argue with them, but only in defense, and only as much as they have to in order to end the conflict.
I didn’t quite mean to go into so much detail. The gist is, I need to learn more about child and adolescent psychology, specifically how mild abuse and emotional neglect affects them. I also need information on how to communicate with my parents to hopefully get them to understand why he acts that way and why I’m so upset about their reaction, which necessitates discussing their hurtful actions in the present and in the past. I really want to help my brother, and I think I’m going to have to do so primarily through my parents.
I’m in therapy, my brother won’t go, says he doesn’t need it (I think he is showing signs of depression - he isolates himself, doesn’t have hardly any friends, and pretty much never socializes outside of school, all of which is really uncharacteristic of him. My mother agrees and has suggested therapy but is throwing in the towel now), and neither one of my parents is open to going themselves. If I have to, I think I can make enough of a fuss to get them into family counseling, but I don’t know if my father and brother will even go, and I’m pretty sure my mother and father won’t open up emotionally enough to make it worthwhile. They’re really not bad people, just people without healthy emotional and social coping skills or experience. I know they want to help my brother, and I think they will take my concerns well (or at least, not with denial) if I approach them the right way. I’m going to consult my shrink as well, but my next appointment isn’t for another week and I need to at least begin to gather information in the meantime.
So, I really need your help. Any advice or recommendations for reading material would be fantastic. I lack social skills and experience myself, so the more comprehensive and understandable, the better.
Thank you so much.
Edit: Apparently hit submit post unexpectedly, I meant to go over this post again before submitting. Oh well. And I meant to put it in MPSIMS. :smack:
