I frequently network with people looking for new jobs – both formally through a vocational organization and informally through personal and professional connections. IOW, I’m introduced to “Bill,” who’s looking for a new gig as a mechanical engineer; we meet in person or virtually; and once I have a better idea of Bill’s qualifications and priorities I introduce him to people I know who may be able to help him.
Now, here’s the situation with “Jane.” She’s a coworker I became friends with, but she was let go recently. I reached out and proposed we get together for lunch – with me buying – so we could talk about her plans and ways I could possibly help her. We met the other day for lunch and, after some catching up, had what I’d consider a productive conversation. I immediate thought of three people I could connect her with.
But:
She was 25 minutes late to our lunch, despite living less than 15 minutes away.
While she thanked me in person, she hasn’t folllowed up with a thanks or acknowledgement via email.
She hasn’t even acknowledged a followup email I sent her, with a link to an article she’d requested.
To be clear, I don’t care about any of that as far as I’m concerned, because she’s a friend. But I’m hesitant to introduce her to people who aren’t her friend, because Jane’s lack of professionalism would reflect badly on me (and hurt her). I should add that she’s in her 40s and has plenty of professional experience, so she “should” know that these niceties are kind of expected.
So my question is: Should I call or email her, as a friend, and gently call out these mistakes?
Further complicating matters in my mind is that I’m a white male, she’s a black female, and I probably earned twice what she did. That’s three ways I have a privilege advantage, and I don’t want to come across as patronizing. If she were a white man making my income, I probably wouldn’t hesitate.
I want to remain her friend, and help her if I can. What’s the best course of action?
You sail dangerous waters when you mix friendship/family and business. I think you should handle this situation the same way you would handle it if her name was Marge and you didn’t know her personally.
Of your three bullets, it’d never occur to me that #2 was considered “necessary”. Nice to do, maybe. Need to do? Puhleeze. Especially not if, as you say, we were already work friends before her unemployment. Had you and she never met, and an intermediary had put you two together for that lunch, I’d be thinking your ideas about a thank you note would be much more mainstream / appropriate.
The others are more problematic. But potentially coachable if you want to open the door to that sort of relationship. Which would require her explicit buy-in from the git-go.
Networking, mentoring, and coaching are 3 different levels of co-worker support. Make sure you and she have a common set of expectations and you know what you’re getting into if you’re used to providing #1 but (in your view) she’d benefit from #3.
Yeah, you hit on something I hadn’t considered. Calling her out on these things would edge us from simply networking to mentoring or coaching, which she hasn’t asked for or agreed to.
Yet I feel like I can’t follow through with the networking part without a little bit of mentoring. Aargh.
What sort of worker was she when she was your co-worker before you became friends? Was she unprofessional then? Unless you’re sure she’s unsuitable for you to network for, the three points you made aren’t deal breakers, except possibly the tardiness. Was she always late before for work stuff?
It’s also the holiday season and a lot of people are busy and don’t have time to look at email right now. If she was otherwise fine to work with, I would not say anything. I would be insulted if someone I viewed as a friendly coworker tried to correct me in this way when I hadn’t asked for it.
Also, I am an avid listener of the Emily Post Institute’s etiquette podcast and they repeatedly say that if you thank someone in person, a follow up thanks note is not required, and that thanking in person is preferable.
My exact questions. You’re giving her a work reference, not a friend reference. The lunch was a friend meeting, not a business meeting even though the purpose of the friend meeting was professional advice.
It’s possible she thought of the interaction with you as being in a friend context. She might not behave the same way in what she considers to be a professional context.
It wouldn’t occur to me to send a follow-up email to a friend who I’d already thanked in person.
Agree and I’d love to do away with this sort of anachronistic busywork for unimportant comms. I’d extend that to point 3, especially if the email was within a day or two and could be considered a trailling part of the meeting.
However, I don’t think I’d be able to get past the 25 minute missed appointment, anyway. Assuming there’s not some good reason OP left out, that would be the end of my goodwill and would certainly rule out most recommendations.
Agreed that your expectations seem misplaced. Lots of folks help friends look out for job opportunities, expecting formal acknowledgements and niceties for that is kind of silly.
You solicited her company and took it up on yourself to play matchmaker, which is fine, but you don’t get to “call her out,” gently or otherwise, for not showing proper deference and appreciation for your valuable time.
Have you asked her if she wants your help beyond a friendly heads up about job openings?
But in a formal “I belong to this organization and would like to include you in its activities” way or in a “I know some people who might be hiring and you’re a friend so let’s chat” context?
Nonetheless, you and she may have perceived the event differently, which led to you having different expectations than she.
The only issue that might be a problem in both a personal and a professional setting would be the tardiness, but some people feel like punctuality is less critical in a personal setting. (I don’t agree, but it’s more accepted than in a professional context.)
So I would argue that if she came into the event with a non-professional mindset, it would be unfair to counsel her like she was supposed to know this was a professional meeting. It’s even unfair to draw conclusions about the event, since she may not have realized she was being professionally assessed.
More like “I know people in your desired field who may have ideas and/or leads for you, as well as other people who are just good networkers and may know more people in your desired field.”
Unfortunately, the organization I work with is a Jewish one, and Jane isn’t Jewish. I can (and will) introduce her to other members, but she can’t join.
Send her a beaming text about your meet up, include that you can probably think of some prospects.
Sub note that…just checking, but, of course, I am assuming the being late, the no thank you note, and the no response to email, we’re mere casualness as y’all are friends. Right?
Leaves her a chance to save face, she’ll surely say…of course, of course!, and you get your point across. Everybody wins!
I’m also on team “huh, you expect a written thank you note after she thanked you in person?!”
The last time I sent a thank you note for anything that wasn’t a gift that showed up at my house (so the giver needs to know I got it, as well as there being no in-person opportunity to say “thanks”) the recipient of the note asked me not to do that, as she felt weird receiving it, and also didn’t want to be writing similar notes.
When I do formal interviews, I get a thank you note about half the time. Once, it was so weird we didn’t hire the person based on the note. That’s the only time a thank you note for a meeting has ever had any impact in my life, that I can think of.
The tardiness is a real issue. But it’s one where people have very different expectations. If you are concerned that she might foul one of your working relationships by being late to a meeting you set up, I would “counsel” her not in general, but rather, would mention that “punctuality is important to Ted. If he agrees to meet with you, make sure you are on time for the meeting.” I would certainly not call her out for being a little late to lunch with me. (Disclosure: I’m on team “running late”. I’m also on team “employable and can meet deadlines”. I am always on time for interviews. I am always on time for the weekly bridge game. I am rarely on time for a lunch date.)
Is it possible Jane misunderstood the nature of your meeting? Someone mentioned above the confusion that can happen when mixing friend/professional relationships. I think your concerns are real though. Be cautious when making professional recommendations because they reflect back on you.