My grandfather (my Dad’s dad) has been absent from my life pretty much forever. I have a very vague memory of him from when I was a child but I really don’t know the guy. From what I’ve heard, which is very little, he was/is a drunk who has caused a lot of problems in his children’s lives and has mostly been estranged from his family. He is in contact w/ my father occasionally and will make plans to visit him, but never shows up. Basically, I can’t say I have anything nice to say about the man. I’m not angry at him, or anything… I feel nothing really. Maybe a little sadness over the situation, but that’s about it.
I recently found out that my grandfather is dying of cancer and word got to me that he would like to hear from all of his grandchildren. When I heard the news of the cancer and his wishes, I just thought “Oh, ok. Sorry the old guy is dying, but I don’t think I’ll be writing any letters.”
A month or so have gone by now since I first found out, and I’ve been thinking about it a little more, and now I’m considering writing him. I mean, it won’t hurt me any and might bring him a measure of happiness. I talked w/ my dad about it and he said he supported any decision I made on the matter and didn’t think I should write him if I didn’t want to, but if I wanted to make contact that he wouldn’t mind that either. I’m certainly not seeking a relationship with him and I don’t expect I’d even hear back if I did write.
So that’s about it in a nutshell. I guess I just wanted to see what some of you might do in this situation. Would you write a letter? What would you say to him? Would you just shrug and say “whatever” like I did at first?
I agree. You don’t have to see him. Just send a little note with maybe a little bit of information about yourself and leave it at that. Even if he wasn’t the best person in the world, he’s still a person and this costs you little to bring him a bit of happiness.
My mother and I actively didn’t get along and she disapproved of everything about my lifestyle. When I was young she emotionally abused me - what you call “toxic parents”, no sexual or physical abuse, just a constant eroding of self-esteem.
And I went to see her when she was dying. It’s not for the grandfather entirely. It’s for you, too. After he is dead you know you did the right thing and the good thing.
Since there seem to be no complications such as your father resenting it, I say err on the side of kindness. I have no regrets over being kinder than I should have been, but I do have some regrets over being less kind than I should have been.
I would like to think I would write - or even try to visit if he isn’t too far. The main reason would be a kind of curiosity. Whatever this guy’s flaws, he is one of your closest blood relations, and once he’s dead you’ll never have another chance to see and hear him.
I am speaking from my perspective, because I don’t know you and can’t speak comfortably from yours: the only reason I would bother is for the part I quoted. It won’t hurt you and it might bring him a measure of happiness. That is enough ROI to do it. I can honestly say that if it were me and I didn’t bother, I don’t think it would change the quality of my life - no regrets later, no wondering, etc. But adding a little happiness to the world is never a bad thing. If you decide not to write, I don’t think that *that *is a bad thing either.
I have a very similar situation. I was told my paternal grandfather, estranged from all of us pretty much for years, wasn’t going to last long. I called him. He never sent birthday cards or called me or anything. I had seen him like a half dozen times since I was little, and that was being generous. He was a concept and a person in pictures and stories, not someone I had a relationship with.
I never regretted doing it and I think it was the right thing to do. He is an ass, but wasn’t abusive. He liked hearing from me and it was a nice call.
I’m spoilering this because the story doesn’t have a happy ending and I dont want to discourage the OP
The bastard didn’t die though. He’s still around, 10 years later. He managed to destroy all the good will though. He screwed over every single one of his kids and there was a huge screaming fight the last time he saw them. He has six kids and 10 grandkids and 3 greatgrandkids and does not speak with any of us. Not one. He ended up in the hospital a couple years ago. All but one of us didn’t even bother this time. The one kid who did? He threw her out of his room. It’s actually kind of sad, that he’s that nasty that he can’t manage a Christmas card relationship.
Seconded. Totally your call, but because he’s dying and obviously in a very vulnerable state, a kindness that would cost you little would mean a lot to him.
Do how you feel. My dad and his mother are essentially estranged (every once in awhile they would make an attempt to reconcile, but it was always short-lived) and as a result she was a vague presence in my life growing up, despite the fact that she lived about two miles away. As bubbes go, she was not exactly ideal. Like, 95% of our interactions were initiated by me (usually at the encouragement of my mother, who is horrified by how dysfunctional my dad’s family is), which is kind of weird in retrospect. She rarely acknowledged my birthdays, never called, never visited, and when I came to visit, she would mostly spend her time ranting about politics and accusing everyone of being anti-Semitic. My bubbe is pretty much the platonic ideal of a “toxic person”.
A few years ago, she had a stroke and now lives in an assisted care facility. The last time I was in the area, my mom was on my case about visiting her the whole time, and I just…I really didn’t want to. I guess I have a lot of bitterness. I know she doesn’t actually care about seeing me, seeing how little effort she made toward me during the first 29 or so years of my life. My dad seemed to understand and didn’t push me to go.
Okay, way to make this about me. My point is, do what you think is right. I tend not to believe that blood ties = actual obligation, personally.
Well would you feel better or worse about yourself if you didn’t contact him? I know you’d probably say “I wouldn’t feel anything either way,” but I would, if I wouldn’t feel worse. You have nothing to lose and who knows what you could inherit.
It’s kind of cold hearted but really that’s how it is.
The OP’s situation matches my own perfectly – it could have been my brother who wrote it. The sole exception is that he did indeed die, and about 5 years ago, now.
I was confused and apathetic and so I delayed. In the end, I’m sure I would have decided for kindness, as so many others have advocated. However, I didn’t get to that conclusion fast enough.
Am I horribly distraught that I didn’t end up communicating with him? Not really. He was a jerk. But I’d rather I had been more kind, just as I wish I’d been more kind in many situations.
I agree: err on the side of kindness. Always a good motto to follow. Even if he is the biggest ass in the world, he did ask, after all. After he dies, your life will be pretty much the same, one way or the other. However, you will make his last hours better, and that is a huge gift to give someone. (plus, maybe he’s making a will?) =8^)
I was estranged from my mother most of my life, toxic parents, all that. I did show up for her during her last days, as did my 3 brothers, and we gave her a very good death. She died with the 4 of us there, telling her not to be afraid, and that she would soon see her parents, etc. (I couldnt’ choke out the words, I love you, not even then.) But she was comfortable, peaceful, in her own home, with her kids around her. She even had last rites, just hours before she passed. My brothers and I got to see each other at our best, kindest and most generous. We got to see ourselves at our best, kindest and most generous. So, basically we gave her a good death and she gave us HER good death.
He’s never actually caused you any harm, and its not like he,s going to move in with you or start asking to borrow money so I’d write him a letter, a long letter.
He’s a dying and probably a frightened, lonely old man so you’ll be doing some good in the world.
What goes around comes around, you may need comforting yourself one day…