Won’t she just start a new Tumblr account on a public computer, and later find ways to access it in the house without you finding out?
I’m generally not a big fan of going the way of consequences you can’t actually enforce. How about no more alone time on the computer in the house until she has read some Naomi Wolf? It’s actually constructive, rather than a simple punishment. It gives her the opportunity to earn back privileges. Just plain taking them away for something she doesn’t think is very bad will make you the bad guy, while she learns nothing. You want her to get the idea that sharing this stuff online is not a good decision, rather than getting the idea that you are a meanie and she should hide stuff from you.
I think it’s a good time to talk some more about feminism, gaining respect by being respectful of yourself and of course online identity. If she wants to run for president, this stuff will be found. Hey, maybe she’ll start getting all angry about how women are portrayed in porn, and all her teenage rage can go that way. It’s currently working for my baby sis and it is awesome to see!
If she can’t be trusted to behave online, I see no reason why she should have access to the internet.
I also see no reason why she should be alone 3 hours a day considering she’s proven she’s not trustworthy. Sometimes teenagers need more supervision than toddlers.
“She’ll just do it at a friend’s house” – wild thought – no going over to friend’s houses.
From her point of view, you refusing to look at the pictures show that you don’t even know what you are talking about. Sit down and point at the really disgusting stuff. Explain to her what you find degrading. Explain to her that there will be boys and men who try to convince her that this stuff is normal, but it’s not. Talk about what is normal. You don’t have to be explicit about acts, but you can be explicit about attitudes. You can talk about how “good” sex is full of laughter and teasing and mutual discovery, and leaves both people feeling good about themselves and each other. Talk about how it wasn’t that long ago that no one talked about sex, and that a lot of people–men and women–thought “good girls” didn’t like it or want it, and that it was something they “gave” men, diminishing themselves out of love or obligation, and that that attitude lingers in some porn.
Not watching porn will not help her develop a healthy attitude toward her own sexuality, it will just leave a blank space. It’s talking about healthy sex with someone who knows something–i.e., not other 15 year old girls–that will.
I don’t really see the point of deleting it, she’ll probably just make a new account that you don’t know about. I think you are missing the point here, the problem is that she is accessing the material in the first place. Why don’t you just install a net filter of some description?
Because throughout the ages teenagers have had access to this material. Thinking that you can keep her from accessing porn is incredibly naive. Thinking that you can keep a 15 y/o from viewing these images by installing a filter on her computer? :smack:
If you want to keep her from accessing these images you should probably invest in a good sharp pin, because you’ll have to gouge her eyes out.
But I don’t think the OP actually has a problem with her accessing the images, just with her sharing them on her on blog.
“She’ll do it anyway so why bother” is a the classic answer that’s supposed to be cool. If I used that phrase to guide my parenting, raising 3 kids would be a breeze.
As a parent it’s your job to establish rules, to say what’s right or wrong. Your kids will do, in the end, what they want, but they’ll know your take on that.
Of course, with a 15-year-old, I imagine you’ve already been talking about things for a while, it’s hard to do it out of the blue, but still: you’re the mum
The bit I’d be worried about is the online identity bit- is she careless enough that there’s a risk her teachers or similar could find it? That could be worth pointing out. Even aside from the potential trouble, nothing makes porn less exciting than the thought of your weird geography teacher (for example, no offence intended to geography teachers) looking at it too.
Just deleting it if she doesn’t really get that she’s doing something foolish will just encourage her to get better at hiding; but on the plus side, if you can’t find it, chances are she’s not going to be so identifiable to others either.
She’s 15 and she is trying to explore her sexual identity. Jesus god almighty, we think we need to raise our children in every other way but when it comes to sex, especially with our daughters, we shut our eyes and cover our ears and throw them to the fucking wolves - pun definitely intended.
She needs to talk with you about sex. You need to talk to her. Manda Jo has the right idea. She just doesn’t care that you think it’s “ick” and that’s not teaching her anything. She needs to know why it’s ick, and she needs you to establish some baselines of respectful, loving relationships and respectful loving sex. And whether you want it or not, Mom, you’re elected.
Fifteen is exactly the right age to start thinking about it. You should have been talking to her long ago and I certainly hope you have been. You might also want to consider getting her on birth control and talking to her about what a pregnancy or an STD might do to her prospects.
Ignorance is bad! Ignorance of any kind! Teach her, take her by the hand, lead her into adulthood.
The point is, there’s nothing wrong with porn. Teenagers like sex, and like porn, and always have done, and there’s never been anything wrong with it. What’s wrong is having to feel ashamed of sexuality, and having to hide it, and it’s exactly that attitude that can put a 15 year old girl in the position where they can be coerced and taken advantage of. Teaching them to be in control of their own sexuality is what the parent should be doing.
If she’s sharing it though, there’s a balance that has to be struck. At some point you have to realize when the ideal values conflict with society’s values, things need to be done to protect yourself/others even if they shouldn’t have to be done. Questions like:
“How easy is it to find out this tumblr is hers?” “Does everybody (especially the teachers) know about this?” “How easily could they find out?” “Could she get in trouble if they found out?” “Will this come back to haunt her in the future?” need to be considered as well.
I agree, in a perfect world this would be a complete non-issue, other than a quick parental sanity-check to make sure she has healthy views about sex. It’s the unfortunate potential fallout that may occur when people who have non-ideal views on sexuality* find out that is worth considering.
Hell, they don’t need to have non-ideal views on sexuality. It’s possible to disagree with a social norm, but feel that even though the norm is wrong, people who blatantly go against it are dangerous/dumb/whatever.
It would certainly be a good time for the OP to help her daughter learn about internet safety and anonymity, or the lack thereof. I didn’t get the impression that that’s what she was going to do.
What really bothers me is that people are seriously suggesting basically banning all communication or visiting with friends because of this, and banning all access to the internet. That is, to put it mildly, fucking ridiculous.
I’m not afraid to talk to her about sex. We’ve watched RuPaul’s Drag Race, she’s shared anime with me that she likes, and we’ve had some other issues come up over the years where it has been necessary for me to talk with her about some of the more unsavory characters in our society. I’m not trying to ban her from everything sexual in the world.
She has been taught about internet safety since elementary school. I have been very impressed with our school system and it’s strong emphasis on this issue. We started talking about this at home as soon as she started using the internet and continued ALL THE TIME. Yes, if someone was even halfway motivated to find this stuff she’s posting it would be no problem. Heck, I found out because I borrowed her smartphone, her main Tumblr account was up, I took a look at her followers and then saw the blog they all hosted. It was not hard.
Without getting into details, some of the anime porn was borderline pedophile-ish, there were animations of women in very degrading, abusive situations, and then some run-of-the-mill stuff.
One of the points I am trying to across to her is that it is one thing to look at sexual pictures and an entirely different thing to re-blog it and endorse it. And one post of a gross sex act on an otherwise normal blog is entirely different from a blog dedicated to that type of stuff.