My 15 year old daughter has been posting really disgusting sexual pictures on her Tumblr blog. Last month, when I caught the really, really disgusting porn version she and two of her friends were hosting, I told her why I didn’t like it and thought it was inappropriate it - and then made her delete that blog. I also told her in no uncertain terms that I found that type of stuff unacceptable in my house.
I had a feeling today when I got home from work that she had been up to something, so I logged on to her laptop, and sure enough she’s been posting milder porn pics on her personal Tumblr account.
I am well aware that teens are sexual beings, but most of this stuff is incredibly debasing and disgusting, and I have cautioned her for years to be very careful of what she is associated with online.
At first, I thought I would just go through her posts and delete the offensive ones, but I don’t really care to see them again. I am inclined to delete her Tumblr account and all of the blogs associated with it, instead.
(If she had a book of something relatively mild, I would just talk with her about it or maybe even ignore it, but she is not the best guardian of her online identity.)
You actually had to make a thread about this? Seriously?
OF COURSE delete her account! I’d also ground her from all electronic goodies for a while as well - no texting, no cell phone, no internet, no Skype, no laptop, no nothin’. At least a month – and then slowly add the stuff back and make it clear that if she fucks up again, the next ban will be much, MUCH longer.
She is 15 fuckin’ years old, THREE YEARS from being considered a legal adult. I’m well aware that a 15 year old’s brain isn’t “done” yet and teenagers do stupid shit but unless she is literally retarded or close to it, she has absolutely no defense and she’s definitely old enough to know better.
Just to be clear, when you say porn, you mean nudity? Uh, yeah, I would delete the hell out of all the child pornography she has created and posted, post-haste.
Assuming you go on ahead with this technology-wide ban, you’ll also have to consider her option of heading over to her friend’s place to continue the same activities.
It kinda boils down to how large a ban you want to place on her. Bar her from ever seeing them again? Find better influences for her? You’ll have to consider how this will affect her development as a maturing teenager.
If you are talking about actual x-rated stuff–genitals and nipples–you need to know that posting such things is NOT normal stuff in that age group, whatever she tells you. Texting very dirty pics to just your boyfriend would be more normal, though still a little edgy. If we are talking about porn-porn, not just cleavage shots or something, and she’s showing it to the world, I would treat this as an extremely big deal. This goes beyond major misbehavior into WTF, we have to find out what’s going on here. Perhaps a sit down with the school counselor would be a good first step.
On the off chance that there’s a age and culture divide here, what exactly qualifies to you as pornography? If she’s posting bikini shots of herself, well, I can see where you might not be happy about that but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. If she’s posting pictures of her with the entire basketball team having a six-way, that is a huge deal.
If she’s clothed and it’s nothing illegal (just ‘sexy poses’) I wouldn’t worry about it.
If it’s actual nudity, then yes, it needs to be deleted as that’s child porn. I’m in total agreement with the other posters so far.
The trick here will be the followup. If you delete her blog there’s not a lot stopping her from making a new one. If you take away the computer, she’ll just recreate the stuff at a friends house. You need to figure out WHY she’s doing this if you really want it to stop. “This is bad - stop it” doesn’t work on 15 year olds (heck it doesn’t work with 5 year olds).
You may (emphasis on may) want to look into getting a professional. If your daughter is making these kinds of choices therapy might be necessary, but good luck getting her to agree to that peacefully.
The OP never says that the porn was of her daughter, just that her daughter was posting porn.
ETA: Based on what I see posted by teenagers on Reddit, I’m guessing they’re some kind of memes that involve dirty images. That seems to be what the kids are doing on Tumblr these days (memes in general, not necessarily dirty ones).
I don’t think OP’s daughter is posting porn of herself. tumblr is largely based on “reblogging” existing content, and porn tumblrs are mostly people reblogging stuff their friends reblogged. Reposting porn on tumblr is not uncommon (although OP’s daughter is obviously too young), and it’s not uncommon to see hardcore porn filter through otherwise “ordinary” tumblrs.
Having a seperate tumblr just to repost hardcore porn is not terribly uncommon either. Not to say the OP’s daughter is behaving ok, but I don’t think this is nearly as uncommon as the other posters in this thread seem to think.
ETA: I’m gonna use the word “uncommon” a few more times, just to make sure people know I know it. Uncommon, uncommon, not uncommon.
Oh God no! Not porn of herself! She’s reblogging photos, short clips or cartoons found from various places online.
There is a technology wide ban in place as of today. Unfortunately I can’t police her use of her friend’s phone, etc at school. And it’s iffy if I can trust to actually not go to her friend’s house after school. She has about 3 hours between the time school ends and I get home from work.
I have to go do her hair, so I’ll be offline for a few hours. Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately, this is not something I want to discuss with her dad - he’s being treated for colon cancer (caught pretty early so a good prognosis) but I don’t think he’s up to this shock about his little girl.
Ah. Thanks. You mean teens basically post random professional or semi-professional porn shots that they think are funny or weird? And the purpose is not to share wank material but to shock and amuse?
That’s not nearly as big of a deal. I probably wouldn’t delete the accounts without giving her a chance to retrieve anything she wrote that she wants to keep: my writing is very important to me, and destroying my writing would be pretty fierce. I do think restricting her from any and all electronics is in order.
I might also be tempted to get some really hard core porn and make her watch it with you while you explain in detail what you find so demeaning and unacceptable about it. Go into long rambling narrations about how that girl was the best actress her school had ever seen, and went to LA to make it big, but this is the only thing she can find and she’s HUNGRY and can’t stand to admit she’s a failure when everyone had such hopes . . . go on and on and on. Point out every aggressive and demeaning word or action. Don’t let her leave. That would be an incredibly uncomfortable experience for her–and unlike restricting her electronics, you know she’ll actually feel the sting.
Wow, talk about a major swing. I went from ‘Holy crap that’s messed up!’ to ‘meh, teens being teens.’
Listen, your daughter is feeling persecuted right now. You’ve violated her trust by logging on to her laptop and then you chide her like she’s a six year old and not the (near) adult she (Thinks) she is. [That’s from her perspective not mine]
The more you bitch about it the more she’s going to rebel. No matter how much logic or wisdom you bring to this conversation, she’s still going to feel like the victim.
I’m sure you know you have to pick and choose your battles. Personally, this isn’t a battle I would choose. She’ll grow out of it.
But the question isn’t really should OP “feel bad” about it, it’s whether it’s the right response.
You have to understand that technology isn’t an “object” for teens the way it is for “grownups.” It’s an ongoing conversation.
A kid having an obscene tumblr they cross post to with friends in is the modern equivalent of sharing locker room obscenities, and it has the quasi-advantage of tending to, by proxy, actually expose people to a healthy(-ish?) view of sexuality at the same time.
Having a tumblr isn’t really like “having a website” that you’re creating content for. It’s more like a record of things you “Like” from other major feeds.
I don’t think it’s something the OP should be turning a blind eye to because there’s still issues of safety, propriety, and ID/rep protecting, but it’s also worth being aware of what’s actually going on.
If it were my son, and he was doing this in my house and I was aware of it, I would give the “Not under my roof” lecture, but I would be under no illusions that he would probably still do it while at his friend’s house or whatever. I rarely have need to log onto his laptop, so I doubt I would find out about it in the first place.
I have to agree with the others that new information makes me do a 180. Porn of herself would be bad. legal porn of others? Meh, who cares.
I really think you are going about this the wrong way. Instituting a Technology ban, but she’s home by herself for three hours? Yeah, your ban is getting ignored. It will probably be ignored while you’re in the house. All you’re doing now is confirming to your daughter that you’re a fuddy-duddy that doesn’t understand technology. Sorry, that’s the truth. When I was a teen, I got a computer, but my parents didn’t trust me, so they put “parental control” software on it. I got around it in about 30 minutes. All that taught me was to hide my tracks better and stop asking my mom for help.
I also disagree with your decision not to tell her father. Are you still together? I can’t tell, but if you’re still married and he’s living with you, it’s not like this will stay a secret with your ill-advised technology ban. Then he will just be mad at you for hiding things. If you aren’t together, he’ll be mad at you for hiding things whenever he does find out. (I find it ironic that you’re upset your daughter did something that she tried to keep a secret from you, so now you’re keeping something a secret from her father.) Cancer is just an excuse for not wanting to talk about it. Tell her father.
The reason everyone assumed it was porn of herself is that porn of herself would be a big deal - illegal and a chance at going on the sex offender registry for life. The reason the first few posters assumed it was NOT porn of herself is… that would be pretty normal teenager activity.
You say in your OP that you know teens are sexual beings… What exactly do you think that means?
That’s an interesting idea, but not one that I think I could stomach. But you know, she keeps asking me why the pictures she’s posting are unacceptable, and the best I’ve been able to say so far is because they’re not a healthy way to learn about sex and I don’t want her to get it set in her mind that that is what sex is like. Plus the fact that she’s really blase about her online identity. Holy cow I hate having to worry about that in addition to every other potential minefield on the road to adulthood.
Shakes, I know this is not a popular view on this board, but as long as she lives under my roof and I am responsible for her - then her expectation of privacy has a direct correlation to how trustworthy she has proven herself to be. The reason I logged on to her laptop this evening is because I thought she’d been using it in spite of a ban. I’d used it this morning and forgotten to put it away before leaving for work and she took advantage of the access. Besides, in our house we share electronics and she knew I’d been using her laptop because I’m having trouble accessing some websites on mine.
Her dad and I are not together and he is having a hard enough time being a single-parent to his other child, trying to work a highly stressful job (luckily they’re very accommodating) and barely coping with bi-weekly chemo that wipes him out completely. The man can barely talk some days. She’s taking a trip to France in a couple weeks and he’s already worried about that. I am not telling him anything stressful unless it becomes absolutely unavoidable.
I might have gray hair, but I’m not that far removed from being a teenager. I remember the illicit thrills from many sources; dirty jokes/stories, stealing peeks at magazines, staying up late to watch a Skinamax movie, reading dumb romance books for the hot & heavy parts, etc. I know she’s done a couple of those with her IRL friends, but the things she’s been finding online are just disturbing and unhealthy.
She really can’t get around the ban at home unless someone comes over with a device or I make a mistake like this morning. I think I might delete the account but give her the opportunity to save some stuff first, and keep the ban on, until the summer.