Another “no” vote. She doesn’t seem to be making very good decisions with her relationships, and marrying her would not be a good one for you, zamboni. As someone mentioned upthread, if you do meet the woman of your dreams (and what better time for fate to kick you in the head than when you’re in a sham marriage?), do you really want to explain this to her? I was thinking about how I would have felt if my husband had brought something like this to the table, and while I don’t think it would have been a deal-breaker, it would have made me wonder about his decision-making abilities.
And I have to say, that’s some funny moral code she’s living by.
I can’t see any benefit at all for the child. The whole bizarre idea would just cause more confusion, and possibly disillusionment, on the down the road for the poor kid. It’d create a hell of a tangle of lies to be sorted out…and for what real good? A fake father to explain away a hidden one? That’s a sure-fire formula for trouble, for everyone, the child most of all.
If she doesn’t want her married lover’s name on the birth certificate then she’d better start thinking exactly how she’ll want to present the kid’s history now. And this may sound more judgemental than I want, but she also needs to stop acting like a mistress and start acting like a mother. Lying and game playing in romantic affairs seem to be a habit with her. It’s bad enough when adults are involved. Crafting a deliberate lie to her own child about his/her parentage is cruel. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for being panicked and not thinking straight but what a cheap ploy to use on that poor kid who isn’t even born yet.
She needs to grow up. She can’t lie or cheat her way around this one. IMO it’d be a really bad, bad idea to be her accomplice in it, zamboniracer. Maybe you could offer a shoulder to cry on and some Dutch-uncle advice though.
You’re both lawyers and now you’re asking if you should take part in a Sham? My vote is that your mind was made up by the time you hit the Submit Post buttion. Happily, the ensuing posts support your view.
Do birth certificates name the father? Mine doesn’t (it doesn’t name my mother, either – just me). Granted, it’s old and from NY, and other states may be different.
If she’s worried about the birth certificate, then have her check the state and see if the name of the father is required.
As for the world knowing the father was a married man – she doesn’t have to tell anyone who it is. And there’s isn’t much stigma being born out of wedlock any more (and, as Ann Landers wrote many years ago, how is that the child’s fault?).
I’m sure you hardly need another “no,” but here ya go:
Ok, fair enough. I don’t know (nor do I want to know) the details, but…
Hmmm… something’s not right about this woman. Sounds like she is not afraid to use people to suit her own needs, then leave when it suits her. Although your booty calls might have been mutual examples of this, it’s probably a fair assesment of those as well, no?
So what’s she doing here? You may be 100% right that her needs only include putting you on the birth certificate, but then again, you may not be. As already stated by other posters, that non-zero possibility of something else carries with it a serious penalty.
Sounds like you’ve already decided to say no, which is an excellent idea. You don’t want to be part of a lie this woman intends to tell her child, not to mention her family. Think of the kid here and say no, so your friend might face the reality of the situation now rather than later, when the kid starts asking questions.
I’m all for marriages of convenience. But zamboniracer, if you’re going to give your name to a child, you better damn well be that child’s father. If not genetically, then in every other way. For the rest of his or her life.
Another resounding no vote from me. You’d be a fool and a sorry one too, and you’d be more likely win a million in Vegas than you would be to benefit this kid in the end, unless you are looking to be a dad to a kid with a very unstable mother.
Oddly enough, I was looking something on Findlaw today, and I saw that their feature article today was on this subject. Its upshot is that under the laws of many states there is an irrebutable presumption that a child born within a marriage is the child of the husband. It concludes:
If you do it, you’re quite likely to get stuck with legal responsibility for the child.
My trouble detector is going off and it’s reporting the following:
A dysfunctional, high drama, temporal and emotional black hole.
She might be your buddy, but her lack of judgement is about to turn into a total s*** storm. If you want to add your life into the blender, good luck brother. But remember… If you get the horns in this situation it’ll be UGLY.
You can be a friend and support her with words and select actions. But you might want to only be a spectator for this one.
If you plan to stick it out and actually be her husband “for real” go for it. If not, avoid this like the plague. I’m here to tell you, learn from other people’s mistakes because you won’t live long enough to make 'em all yourself.
Read the signs, man… Read the signs. Life is too short (and expensive) to get mixed up in BS you can live without.
Also I’d be willing to say this… I’ll bet she already has another dude lined up in the event you say no…
Furthermore, why is she letting this married man who fathered the child off the hook so easily? She should tell him that he’s the father and be prepared to fight a paternity suit. Even if she intends to raise the child herself without forcing him to spend any time with the child, she should make sure that he pays child support. What’s her argument against even asking him for child support? For that matter, does he even know that she is pregnant with his child? Does she claim that she doesn’t want to break up his marriage? Why didn’t she (or he) think about that before they started the affair?
What the heck is this woman doing even having a child? She sounds so unstable that the child is going to be in a bad situation even if she goes ahead and has the kid without getting married and without trying to get child support from anyone. She’s shown a remarkable lack of responsibility in her life so far. Maybe the best thing for everyone would be if she would put this child up for adoption, since she doesn’t look like she’s going to be a very good mother.
I go with all the no votes as well. Sounds like a trap to me. First thing I thought reading the OP was, “She’s looking for a stooge to pony up child support.”