From what you described, you don’t deserve either guy, and neither guy deserves you.
You have a long way to go before being successfully married to anyone for any substantial length of time, let alone these two guys. You are not “settling” at all; you’ve pretty much given up on the notion of actually improving on yourself in order to find and create a meaningful relationship with a guy that flips your switch, will love, support and protect your daughter, and will be willing (not coerced) into creating a living situation that you both desire.
Because you didn’t put enough effort into it. It’s an ongoing process that takes years, it’s not a semester course in college. If you keep believing that you won’t change, then it will be just you and your daughter surviving a merry-go-round of men for decades to come.
I think it can work, but both of you have to be utterly committed to the marriage, and you do have to love him, even if you’re not super-attracted to him. There have been times in the last several years that (for various physical reasons, mostly) I haven’t felt particularly attracted lustfully to my husband, but he always, always makes me swoon when I think about things like how he cleans the bathroom, or how clear and patient he is when explaining something (math or how to use power tools or what-have-you), or how we crack nerd jokes at each other, or when I think of what a great daddy he’s going to be. And even then I think he had kind of a hard time sometimes with worrying how I felt about him given those periods of non-attraction – if I hadn’t been able to reassure him, honestly and sincerely, that I thought he was the most amazing guy ever, I’m not actually sure what condition our relationship would be in.
But all that aside, I can’t imagine how you would know any of that at this point, as you haven’t really been together for a long time. At least you need to date him again a bit more before even thinking of making a decision like this. That is, what CrazyCatLady said, totally.
Having grown up as a military brat, I warn you that it can be a very trying lifestyle for the spouses. It’s stressful moving a lot, sometimes to places you will dislike, and you leave all your friends, your job, and family. You can end up feeling isolated and very dependent on your spouse. He can be deployed for long periods of time, with you basically a single parent again. It can be tough on kids too, especially as they reach high school age. Would you feel right uprooting your daughter?
You’re at an age where thoughtful people tend to examine their lives and feel a need to make big changes. But even though you feel fed up with things as they are right now, and perhaps do need to make a change, settling with a guy may not be the change you need.
Last, it doesn’t sound fair to the guy to make this commitment when you’re so ambivalent.
You’d be taking away his chance of finding someone who IS madly and passionately in love with him. Does he deserve that? Does it occur to you how unfair it would be to him? Yes, he may say “it’s ok” because he does have feelings for you, but you’re not the only woman in the world and it’s quite likely he’s just right for someone else. And my guess is that he knows something’s not right in the back of his mind and the “ultimatum” will either force your feelings or make it clear there’s not enough to continue.
Why make the poor military guy miserable when it is simple to spare him the grief? If and when you see him again, tell him you don’t love him and can’t / won’t marry him. Then do yourself and your daughter a real favor and dump the local weasel while you are in a dumping frame of mind.
Then put your act together and grow up.
My maternal grandmother: “I never wanted any man until I was 22. Then I met your grandfather. I’ve never wanted anybody else.” (they were still having sex in their 80s, so it’s not like she wanted him for only enough time to make a few daughters)
My paternal grandfather, talking about a wedding they attended in their 90s: “when I saw her in that dress, I would have married her again.”
My paternal grandmother: “I’d always thought all those romantic novels were stupid. But after (a good customer of the store where she worked) brought that tall guy in I wasn’t able to bring my head down from the clouds all afternoon.” That tall guy, in case anybody was wondering, became my paternal grandfather (he died when I was 3, so no interview is available).
My father: “I love you an infinity, so it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t love me, because infinity divided by two is still infinite.” Nobody said accountants popping the question aren’t cheesy, but the thing is, he meant it.
My mother: “there were times I would have slapped him against the nearest wall. But looking back at every other man I’ve ever known, he still comes up as the best one for me.”
My brother: “I married Judi because, half an hour after meeting her, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Does everyone who marries settle to some extent? Yes. But, in a good and lasting marriage, they’re settling on issues like, he leaves the mayonnaise on the counter after making a sandwich. She can tolerate clutter, he’s a neatnick.
The shit you’re talking about is on a whole other scale. That’s not settling, that’s plummeting.
Moreover, you’re talking about doing this in part to provide stability for your daughter, but they way you’d provide “stability” is to get her into a lifestyle where she has to move and switch schools MANY times before she graduates high school, and/or her father-figure isn’t even home for months or years on end. All in the name of a lackluster marriage that her mother is ambivalent about.
Look, I married a guy in large part because I thought he loved me enough for the both of us. I liked him a lot, found him reasonably attractive, and he was a good man. And he loved the hell out of me. We were together for 9 years, married for 4.5 of those. It was a mistake. Then I met my now-husband, and the differences between my marriage to him and my marriage to my ex are indescribable.