Here’s the situation. I have an ex from a couple years ago, we were together for about a year. We broke up because he’s in the Army and was deploying and wasn’t handling it so well and was having a hard time trusting that I’d wait for him and stuff…nothing very relevant to the present. We’ve kept in touch, and he really wants to get back together and get married soon.
What you need to know about me is that I have relationship/men issues. I don’t have extremely strong feelings for this ex, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever have extremely strong feelings for the right kind of man. There’ s a guy I’ve been seeing off and on for over 6 years and he’s manipulative, narcissistic, unpredictable, dishonest, and so on. He’s the one I have strong feelings for. So my point is that while the obvious advice would be to wait until I find someone who I have strong feelings for AND is a good guy, I truly don’t think that will happen for me no matter how long I wait.
This guy is a good guy. And I kind of want to settle down and get married and have more kids. I’m 27 and have a 9-year-old daughter and I’m tired of doing everything on my own. My daughter is tired of it being just us. She’s more social than I am and she wants more going on in the house. And she loves this guy and he loves her. He would make a great stepdad and that would be good for her because unfortunately her dad has really dropped the ball these last few years and rarely sees her.
I’m hesitant for a few reasons. First because the Army is sending him across the country in a couple months and I do NOT want to move. I like where I live and I’ve never lived anywhere else and it would be very hard for me to move away from my family and everything I know. I’m also just generally scared of change, but that’s not a good reason in itself.
But the thing I really don’t know about is my lack of very strong feelings for this guy. Now, I’m not the romantic type–far from it. I believe that the practical concerns for a marriage are at least as important–and probably more so–than the silly romantic notions. If I was going to marry someone I was fixated on and couldn’t keep my hands off, then I’d marry the narcissist…and be absolutely miserable.
Still, obviously love does play some role. But as I said, I’m not going to find someone I feel how I feel about the narcissist who would also be a good husband. And there are different kinds of love and I can certainly love this guy, it’s just not that infatuated type of love.
Ideally I DO want both. I want the narcissist to start acting right and then I could be with him. But I also want a million dollars and that’s not going to happen either. So is it really wise to just hold out for someone that I don’t think exists? Or can a person really be happy if they “settle” for someone who would make a good husband, father, and provider, but doesn’t make me swoon? On what bases am I supposed to make this decision?
PS - I’ve already tried to address my issues with men and get therapy and do soul-searching and all that. It doesn’t work. I lust after the wrong kind of man. That will probably never change. And it will definitely never make me happy.