[QUOTE=SailBunny]
Am I overreacting about banging hookers in Thailand? Everyone here seems to know the prices pretty well. I’m pretty laidback about most things, but just the thought of having sex with this person again makes me physically ill.
[/QUOTE]
Well, a lot of people seem to know a “friend” who got with a prostitute. :dubious: And of course you have places like Amsterdam where it’s quite legal. That’s doesn’t mean, however, that you should accept your boyfriend banging one.
[QUOTE=SailBunny]
My boyfriend is traveling around South East Asia for 2 months, with my full blessing.
[/QUOTE]
What exactly does “with my full blessing” mean?
[QUOTE=msmith537]
Well, a lot of people seem to know a “friend” who got with a prostitute. :dubious:
[/QUOTE]
Well, you can’t spend much time here without at least hearing the prices, it’s so in-your-face and not hidden away. The “Bangkok Post” used to have a columnist who would track the prices for the benefit of the readers!
[QUOTE=The Flying Dutchman]
I can’t believe it cost $350 US for a hooker on Thailand.
Regardless, he’s a waste of time for you.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, but there’s a difference between $350 for just one Thai and $700 for two if it’s a threesome, right? :dubious:
No, seriously. Just think about how many other chicks he’s probably banged, wouldn’t surprise me if there were some closer too home. End it, move on, and meet someone you might want to spend forever with. It’s not this guy.
Meaning, I was totally cool with him going to Asia. I was completely supportive, and thought it was going to be incredibly cool. I was wishing that I didnt have to be in school, and could go with him. I did not expect him to cheat on me. We have been having conversations about being together in the long run. We divided holidays, went on family vacations…the whole thing. I am still in shock. It doesnt seem real.
Although this episode of snooping panned out, I wouldn’t recommend you do it again. Invasion of privacy IMHO is an act of betrayl. Not as big as cheating with hookers, but on the same spectrum. Ya’ll aren’t married, and to me that means that people should be able to keep some things to themselves. Including diaries and mail.
I commend you on owning up to your sin, though. It would have totally easy to just dump him without an explanation (and I think you would have owed him one).
Sorry this happened to you.
Agreeing with consensus here - break up with him. 2 years might seem like a long time from where you stand, but it’s nothing in the scheme of things if he’s so blasé about cheating on you. Trust me - I’ve been in 2-year college-age relationships and broken them off, and you do come out the other side in one piece.
I realize you’ve already sent him the “we’re over” email, but a little extra support never goes astray.
Count me skeptical as well. I don’t know how savvy you are to the whole internet thing, but if you’ve been checking his email, he’ll know because they’ll show up as read unless you remark them as unread and cover your traces, so he might be setting you up.
Also, maybe he’s just making up shit to brag to his friends. Guys do this. I wouldn’t say that I had sex with hookers, but it’s a guy thing. Not all guys, but it is something I could see some people I know doing. I could see myself making up stories for my friends back home if I weren’t in a relationship and also not with hookers. Guys lie about sex to their friends.
Finally, that was really low of you to check his email. Relationships are based on trust. I don’t care if he did actually do it because it’s wrong you you to check his private property. I’ve had this done to me before, and I’ll say that it’s a huge violation in my book.
But regardless, something smells fishy here, He’s living at home, you’re at college for two years. He goes to Thailand and writes an email about prostitutes that seems really misguided. At the very least, if you care, wait to see what his reply was, etc. 700 dollars is way too much for a place like that.
One thing that bothers me about the “bragging to his buddies” theory is telling them he paid $700. I can envision a guy bragging to buddies back home that he paid $30 or $50, but $700 seems kind of stupid. Although I admit I don’t know all of the facts, I’m leaning toward the “he’s winding her up because he’s mad about discovering she’s looking at his e-mail” theory. Even then, though, something still seems off here.
[QUOTE=Siam Sam]
One thing that bothers me about the “bragging to his buddies” theory is telling them he paid $700. I can envision a guy bragging to buddies back home that he paid $30 or $50, but $700 seems kind of stupid. Although I admit I don’t know all of the facts, I’m leaning toward the “he’s winding her up because he’s mad about discovering she’s looking at his e-mail” theory. Even then, though, something still seems off here.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t know much about the male psyche, but couldn’t his bragging be a way of showing off how much money he has? Or maybe by attaching the price, he’s making a statement about how “good” the hookers were?
To help you get over this - stay busy. I don’t know if you are in classes at the moment, but if you are throw yourself into your studies for a while. If you’re not, find something to do - a club, volunteer somewhere - something, anything, to stay busy. If your mind is on something else you won’t have as much time to think about the past and how “wonderful” it was.
Do not bad mouth him to your mutual friends. “It didn’t work out” is all anyone needs to know. You can go into the gory details with your best friend, but the way you came by this information does not reflect well on you.
Do not do this kind of information gathering again. It may be tempting, because you may have trust issues now, but don’t do it. Don’t let this sour you on future relationships - and you will find another one in time. Snooping is not an attractive trait.
Good luck. Keep us posted on his reaction. I am wondering if he knew you were snooping, and wrote that to see what you would do.
[QUOTE=Siam Sam]
One thing that bothers me about the “bragging to his buddies” theory is telling them he paid $700. I can envision a guy bragging to buddies back home that he paid $30 or $50, but $700 seems kind of stupid. Although I admit I don’t know all of the facts, I’m leaning toward the “he’s winding her up because he’s mad about discovering she’s looking at his e-mail” theory. Even then, though, something still seems off here.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, that’s a big weird isn’t it?
Sorry, I forgot I had opened this thread about an hour ago, so there had been many posts here, but yeah, I think he probably figured it out. I am suspicious that she didn’t remark the messages as unread after having looked at them. As to the bragging thing? I don’t know exactly. Maybe he doesn’t know how much they actually cost? Maybe he was in Japan but the hookers were Thai? But bragging about 30 dollar hookers isn’t so good in my book either. It sounds kind of trashy (all things relative of course!)
As far as prostitution is concerned, well that’s for another debate. It’s not for me. I don’t like having sex with women who aren’t interested in me. It totally ruins the point. But other places have different value systems, you know? And I know about prices because I have a friend who did it in Amsterdam. He’s the last guy you’d expect though. He’s this artist type who did it for the experience. I think he said it cost 50 euro though. I remember being surprised at how cheap it was.
[QUOTE=monstro]
I don’t know much about the male psyche, but couldn’t his bragging be a way of showing off how much money he has? Or maybe by attaching the price, he’s making a statement about how “good” the hookers were?
[/QUOTE]
No, I just don’t buy that myself. He’s quoting something like London prices, judging from what my Brit friends tell me. Actually paying that much for what goes at about 1/10th of that price is just not something you’d want to spread around. If anything, the bragging would be more about how cheap it cost than actually finding two girls to do that with. Paying $700 is just stupid and nothing to brag about period, and if he really did pay that much, then he got scammed and was not too bright to begin with.
[QUOTE=Merkwurdigliebe]
Maybe he was in Japan but the hookers were Thai?
[/QUOTE]
I thought about that, but the OP specified Southeast asia, and Japan and even Hong Kong are East Asia. No one over here anyway would ever consider them Southeast Asia. Singapore’s about the only place in Southeast Asia I could imagine anyone paying that much, and even then I’d have to believe it’s outrageous. Tokyo I could believe it easier.
Honest, folks, I don’t work in the sex industry myself, it’s just sort of like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day when he says to Andie MacDowell, “Well, maybe the real God just knows everything because he’s been around so long,” or words to that effect. Plus I’ve known a couple of bar owners or three and am even acquainted with Marc, the legendary Frenchman who runs Eden Club.
For the privacy folks out there I’m going to fall the other way - if you want privacy then either a) don’t engage in the act that will get you in trouble or b) don’t write or talk about it. Even if she didn’t look at the email, who is to say someone else might forward it to her, or mention it in a drunken stupor, or whatever.
How many people yap away on their cordless phones and are surprised the neighbors know their dirt? Email is far from secure. Telephone conversations can be recorded.
Regardless of legality these things do happen and the person who engages in suspect activity cannot reasonably presume they will not be caught.
Morality of snooping? Stuff happens. Anonymity is a dangerous drug. People behave a lot better when they discover consequences exist for misbehavior. Might be a good lesson for the young man. If he does this now than what comes later; what has he already done?
The fact of the act is immateriel as the mere perception of the act is damage enough.
Story true? Dump 'em.
Story a lie to friends? Discuss it.
Story a set up? Dump 'em faster.
I only read half the thread, so if this has been stated, forgive me for the reiteration, but
Is it possible he had some clue along the way that you have read his email in the past and planted that one for you to find? Having said that, I will echo the sentiment that longevity is no reason to stay together. If you have had issues, and you feel it’s time to move on, then do so. You are far too young to settle with someone you are used to.
Also, do not factor in family reactions. It’s not their life, it’s yours. They will get over the break up if they see you are happier.
I haven’t read what anyone else has written, but my standing would be that anyone who is lacking in empathy to the extent that they’d brag about hiring a prostitute isn’t someone you would want to trust. And someone who would pay $700 for accomplishing the same thing as he can accomplish with his hand is an idiot, so again this wouldn’t be someone you would want to trust.
Personally I would recommend specifically telling him that he’s a chauvinistic rot bastard, and dump him in as embarassing a way as you can. But that’s up to you really.
[QUOTE=2gigch1]
For the privacy folks out there I’m going to fall the other way - if you want privacy then either a) don’t engage in the act that will get you in trouble or b) don’t write or talk about it. Even if she didn’t look at the email, who is to say someone else might forward it to her, or mention it in a drunken stupor, or whatever.
How many people yap away on their cordless phones and are surprised the neighbors know their dirt? Email is far from secure. Telephone conversations can be recorded.
Regardless of legality these things do happen and the person who engages in suspect activity cannot reasonably presume they will not be caught.
Morality of snooping? Stuff happens. Anonymity is a dangerous drug. People behave a lot better when they discover consequences exist for misbehavior. Might be a good lesson for the young man. If he does this now than what comes later; what has he already done?
The fact of the act is immateriel as the mere perception of the act is damage enough.
Story true? Dump 'em.
Story a lie to friends? Discuss it.
Story a set up? Dump 'em faster.
[/QUOTE]
Look, I don’t mean to say that she should stay with him, but I heartily disagree with your definition of what privacy ought to be. Email isn’t secure, that’s true, but snooping your boyfriend’s email is plain wrong, unless he gave her explicit permission.
How does she know his password anyway? Did he tell her? Maybe it’s the password to his computer as well. In that case, it’s a question of his stupidity to give out a password that works for everything he has. If he tells her the password for whatever reason, I would guess that he trusted her to not check it.
My Dad once told me that he checked my email once when I was a teenager and I was livid. It’s about respect, honestly. I’m sorry if I come across a bit harsh, but I’d break up with a girl for that, probably.
Now, on the other hand, I am sympathetic to this young woman, the only problem is that I’m having a problem understanding the entire situation. But if things are as she says, then yeah it sucks. This is how people learn to grow up. People will do immature shit in relationships when they are younger, so you can’t let it slide no matter what.
[QUOTE=2gigch1]
For the privacy folks out there I’m going to fall the other way - if you want privacy then either a) don’t engage in the act that will get you in trouble or b) don’t write or talk about it.
[/quote]
Excuse me? That’s just…stupid. Sorry, but it is.
There’s a reason why the boyfriend’s email has a password. It’s not public access. It’s no different than if SailBunny had picked the lock to his door and broken into his house.
Now I agree, if we were talking about a diary exposing the boyfriend’s sexual exploits and he’d left it laying on the table, I would say he was asking for trouble. But why shouldn’t one trust that a SO will respect the privacy of email?
It wouldn’t matter if I had secrets or not. The very act of someone breaking into my account would make me distrust that person severely. Because the act exemplifies a person with low impulse control and/or someone likely to betray me in other ways.
This is like saying, “Well if I didn’t steal the cookie, who’s to say someone else wouldn’t have to stolen it later and crammed it down my throat?” The fact that someone else could have spilled the beans does not mean that SailBunny had the right to snoop on her boyfriend.
And if my SO was recording my telephone conversations, I’d dump him too. Not just because of the breach of privacy thing, but because it would show he’s way too obsessed with my life.
The fact that email can be broken into without much trouble does not mean that one should expect their girl/boyfriend to break into it. Just like I wouldn’t expect them to break into my apartment. Isn’t that what trust is about? Expecting people not to cross lines even though they easily could?
It’s easy to say this when there’s been a crime committed. But there are a myriad of actions that can look suspiscious to someone not privvy to all the details. For instance, a boyfriend shouldn’t have to worry about his girlfriend finding out about a friendly but non-romantic email from an ex-girlfriend. IMHO, if his girlfriend tries to bust him on it, he’s got every right to be pissed off because he shouldn’t have to defend every little thing that happens in his life.
[QUOTE=SailBunny]
I just sent him an email. I admitted to the snooping freely, I guess it is psycho, but I don’t believe that we should have things hidden. I said: “I read this, Im horrified, do not contact me, we are over.” No games, no wondering, no bullshit. **Now I have to wait another 12-24 hours before he checks his email again.
**
[/QUOTE]
(bolding mine)
Why? Why care? If you are over, you are over. If you are waiting for a reaction from him, you are looking for drama, and that is a game. You made the break, now MOVE ON.