My boyfriend likes porno sites and loves to have sex cyber sex how ever when we got together 3 years ago he agreed that he would stop , while at my mothers last xmas he went on line with one of “OUR” messenger budies…a girl and had sex with her…he knows I hate that but it so happened she sent a email with the whole chat on it to show me what he did …of course I said nothing and the next day he returned to have another shot at it, he bragged that as long as I did not know it was not cheating, but when I showed him the email he tried to justfy it all by saying that she was just a fantasty…but he has knowen her for 3 years…he says its ok to lie to me as long as I do not know theres no harm and even while we were online chating …he was chating with her at the same time setting up a time to meet that day and cyber again. please what is you guys thought on this subject is he or is he not cheating?
This is really more a matter of opinion, so I’ll move the thread over to our forum In My Humble Opinion.
If he promised he would stop, then it’s a betrayal of trust at the least; it sounds like you both agreed that it would be cheating from the onset.
Phrases like:
“as long as I did not know it was not cheating”
and
“he says its ok to lie to me as long as I do not know”
Make my hair stand on end; has this man any redeeming qualities at all? - he sounds like a dirtbag.
He who cannot be trusted with little cannot be trusted with much; if his attitude is that it’s OK as long as you never find out, can you be sure he won’t cheat for real sometime?
Sorry, that’s my opinions anyway.
I don’t think cybering is the same as cheating. To me, cheating on someone requires physical contact.
That doesn’t make it OK, though. Especially since he’s repeatedly cybering the same person, and lying to you about it. To me, he sounds like a dishonest sack of crap. I wouldn’t waste my time with him – there are lots of people out there who will be totally into you, not skulking around with one hand on the keyboard. It’s worth finding one of them, and not trying to fix this loser.
Wee-doggy! You got yourself a SCUMMY one there! A lying, cheating, bullshitting scumbag.
Yeah, he’s cheating, except in a way that doesn’t require physical contact. And his dick isn’t the only thing he’s jerking around. Do yourself a favor and dump him fast.
To me, cheating = betrayal of trust. I have a hard time defining exactly what that betrayal is, except “I know it when I feel it.”
Litmus test: If you feel betrayed, then he cheated. Conversely, if you’ve done something that you know would hurt him so you keep it a secret, you’ve cheated.
Dump his lyin’, cheatin’ ass.
I think that looking at porn on the internet is not cheating. I think the cheating starts when there is another person involved, either by physical contact or in an internet chat room. You are exchanging emotions and what not.
Even if you don’t consider cybering cheating, what your man did was wrong. He lied to you and betrayed your trust.
LADYG - This guy sound like a jerk. He’s obviously does not care what you think and how you feel. And then doing it at your Mother’s house? That’s totally disrespectful. As to your question on if cybersex is “cheating”, IMO I think it is. Your mentally there and your picturing doing those things to that other person and fantasizing at the same time. And you obviously are wishing you could be doing those things with that person. So then you have to wonder, what/who is he thinking about when he’s together with you?
IIRC, cybersex is a cause for divorce in California.
Straight porn, on the other hand, isn’t.
Slee
Sistah, why does he choose to do it when he knows that it hurts you? Why aren’t your feelings and emotions more important than a ‘fantasy’. There’s a better man for you…go find him.
What’s really at issue is not whether cybering is cheating. If he actually said that “it’s okay to lie to you” and that “it’s no harm if you don’t know,” then you have a much bigger issue of trust and honesty going on. I mean, if he thinks that applies to cybersex, he probably thinks it applies to everything: the money he may ‘borrow,’ the DUI he got, the real sex he had with someone else (all of which did no harm because you didn’t know about it :rolleyes: )
Ugh, tell him not to let the door hit him on his way out.
I agree that the guy sounds pretty scummy, and is probably not the sort of person that is good to be with.
however
As a woman, it irks me to no end to see other women place random demands on guys and then get all upset about a “betrayal of trust” when the guy doesn’t follow through. Either you love a guy and the things he does, or you don’t. You don’t say “I love you, but if you really loved me you’d never do XYZ again”. That is called controlling behavoir, and it isn’t healthy and it isn’t cool.
If you’ve got a problem, talk about it. Work it out. Seek understanding and compromise. But for god’s sake don’t resort to emotional bribery to try and get someone to stop doing something that makes you a little uncomfortable. That isn’t making things better for anybody. You’ve both got issues that need to be worked out, and using your love as a bargaining chip wasn’t the best plan.
Yeah it is. Why? Cause I have known guys who drop their girlfriends & date/marry the person they met online.
Yes, cybering is cheating. In Simetra-land, if you get sexual gratification from someone and I’ll even go as far to say “something”, other than your partner when you and your partner have consented to just being with one another only… that’s cheating.
That might just be me tho’
**
I don’t see where LADYG said anything in her post about using her love as a bargaining chip. She said she asked him to stop cybering because she didn’t like it. I think that’s fair. It makes her uncomfortable and it hurts her. If he respected her and her feelings he wouldn’t do it anymore. Instead he lies to her, goes behind her back, and does it anyway. If he’s cheating on the Internet, what’s to stop him from cheating IRL. As long as he lies to her about it and she doesn’t know about it, it’s not cheating? What a line of bullshit. He’s trying to control her! If she’ll let him get away with cybering what else will she let him get away with? I, personally, would never be able to trust this man again. My advice to LADYG is to dump him and forget about him. He sounds like a real loser.
I do want to add that I don’t think looking at Porn is cheating, as long as your SO agrees that it’s ok. Also, if you and your SO agree that having cyber sex is ok then it’s not cheating. I know a few couples who allow each other to have cyber sex, phone sex, cam to cam, voice chat, etc., with other people. They have both agreed to it and they both do it though. It’s not a one sided thing. I think that’s ok… as long as both parties are comfortable with it.
Well said. Shakespeare couldn’t have done better.
even a vibe?
Or am I taking your theory a little too far?
LADYG, feel free to e-mail me if you’d like. I happen to have a little experience with this subject and I’d be happy to chat with you more about it if you’d like. 
Of course it’s cheating.
Cheating is about deception.
If you had an agreement he could do cybersex, it wouldn’t be cheating. Since he agreed not to, it is.
Haven’t read any of the responses yet, and I’m sure someone’s pointed this out, but WHERE the hell is the logic in the idea that it’s not cheating if you don’t know about it???
I mean, say it’s not cheating because he didn’t actually TOUCH the girl, or that it’s not cheating because he didn’t… erm… finish or something, and… well… I still wouldn’t buy it, but the logic would be a little more credible!
Saying that it’s not cheating if you don’t know about it is the most ass-backwards thing I’ve ever heard! The fact that you didn’t know is precisely what makes it Cheating Extraordinaire! I mean, sure it’s still cheating even though you DO know, but your knowing gives you the opportunity to:
a) forgive him and continue to live with his CyberFlings (in which case, now that you KNOW, it’s less like cheating and more like one-sided Swinging that makes you unhappy)
b) forgive him and hope he won’t do it again, but know deep down that he probably will (see parenthetical comment under item (a)), or
c) Kick his ass to the curb (in which case he’s free to do as he pleases, and therefore wouldn’t be cheating… on YOU, anyway).
And might I suggest the latter?
Sheesh. Not cheating if you don’t know. How far did this guy get in school, anyway???:rolleyes: