I’m a happily married woman who just recently has learned of the pleasures of erotic chat. My husband is aware of my compulsion… er, habit, and appreciates what it does for my mood and attitude. However, I can’t help but feel guilty about it. Is this a stupid thing to be doing?
I am in a long distance relationship for quite some time - we met online. I really believe that cybering is a form of cheating - if I thought my bf was doing it, there would be war, major major problems.
If you’re husband is ok with it, then I suppose, for now, its ok for you. However, the problem is that it can become involved… you can meet someone you get not only physcially but emotionally involved with. The thing about online is you get to know a person from the outside in - and it can be easy with some people to form a strong bond. That could be just friendship or could be something deeper and more of a threat to your marriage.
I think be careful of what you are doing - for now its fun and makes you feel good, but I’d be very concerned about the longer term emtional situation. Be aware that more could come out of this than you are expecting now. Take care.
I gotta second that. If I caught my wife having cybersex, I’d be furious.
While the person may not be cheating physically, they definately would be mentally and emotionally.
That being said, however, if your husband is okay with it… I think open marriages are cheating as well, but (some) people manage to handle it okay. So, to each their own. I’d have to second Honey too. Take care you don’t get involved too much yourself and wind up leaving your husband for a fling halfway across the country…blah blah blah.
One last thing. Mind wanna consider that this is fulfilling something that your not getting at home. You may be a happier person finding out if that is the case and trying to fix the situtation.
I would say if you feel guilty about it, then deep down you don’t think it’s right.
You could cyber with each other, if you have more than one computer. 
Other than that, though. . .well, there isn’t really any one answer for your question, as it depends on the particulars of your marriage, which only you and your hubby know. However, if you’re feeling guilty, there’s definately something that needs to be tweaked.
No.
Since we only have only one computer and I have no access to the internet at work, there’s just no way for me to have cybersex with Lola.
I guess I could go over and use the neighbours PC but that would be kinky and I’m really more of a hands on type of guy anyways.
I don’t think it’s automatically a bad thing; it depends entirely on the attitudes and values of both partners. Since your husband is aware of it and doesn’t have a problem with it, then it’s fine. It would be an issue if you were doing it secretly, or if hubby disapproved and you kept on doing it. But since you feel guilty about it, it probably goes against your values, in which case you probably ought to give some serious thought to whether you really want to continue doing it.
If it makes you feel guilty, it seems silly to be doing it. Perhaps try delving into the internet’s vast supply of written erotica and see if that does the trick in enhancing your mood. No guilt on your part, no worries about some guy 2000 miles away becoming obsessed with you and no chance of problems developing with the husband.
Jdeforrest, you’re right. There is sexual desire on my part missing from the marriage. What can I do to fix that?
Angel, I would love to Cyber with my husband. That was my first choice, but we don’t have two internet connections. I asked him to write me an erotic story, and he refused.
I have delved into the vast supply of written erotica on the internet, and have several books as well, but it doesn’t seem to be as effective as my cyber high.
Here’s what it boils down to: my husband does not have the time and energy that it takes (an hour or more) to arouse me before becoming intimate, so he allows me to let someone else do it for him.
I did read the other thread: affair - not affair http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=174815 and feel I should heed much of their advice as well. My behavior is no different than the man in the OP, and though my motivation is not the same, it is similar. I’m looking for something I’m not getting at home.
I see now that I have to stop.
Dear guava, You are so sexy, you really turn me on…
OH, DAMMIT! Nevermind:rolleyes:
[reluctantly puts away latex rubber gloves, safety gogles and fury handcuffs.]
guava, I was about to say that as long as you’re completely open about it with your husband and he’s ok with it, then there’s no problem, but then I read your latest post. If the reason he’s ok with it is because there’s already a problem in your marriage, then cybering could end up widening the gulf between you. You should probably direct your efforts (and his!) toward rejuvenating your relationship with your husband.
That’s not to say that cybering couldn’t conceivably be a part of this. You could try cybering with someone else while your husband is with you. If he’s not into that idea and just wants you to cyber alone, though, I’d agree with your idea of giving it up, at least until things are back on track for you two.
No also.
It’s cheating, plain and simple. But if it’s cheating with your husband’s knowledge and acceptance, then where’s the harm? Your guilty feelings are just from your social conditioning, pay them no mind. Go wild.
guava, there’s something that hasn’t been mentioned so far (by the way, i’m the “affair - not an affair” guy; and I suspect our situations are more similar then not)
the something that hasn’t been mentioned is how things progress in this cyber world.
first, you talk to many folks, and its all sex and excitement.
then you start to see a few folks a second time or third time, and pretty soon you have regulars.
then you start to filter from all the potential cyber-lovers, to ones that you are compaitble with…
and then you find yourself in a relationship. you start to feel substational feelings towards the other person, the sort of feelings you would have for a real world lover or spouse.
if you talk to someone who’s never had sex or a relationship online, they’ll see this as far from reality, even a little silly. but when you’re there, it’s anything but that. in fact, in many ways the relationship is deeper then real ones, because it’s all in your mind, and there are no real-world complications.
anyway, from one who’s been missing what you’re missing, i really suggest you do your best to fix what’s broken. good luck to you.
As long as he knows and is fine with it then I think it should be ok.
Lets see.
You enjoy it.
He knows about it.
You use it as a sort of warmup.
Sounds good to me. Maybe you tell him about during sex to talk dirty. I don’t have a problem with it. As long as at the end of the chat you want to be with your husband, you’ve got no problem.
As a person whose marriage has suffered big time because of this I would have to agree that in the long run it will hurt a relationship. Your situation is different than mine in that your husband says he doesn’t mind. I have to wonder how long that will be the case. I would try to repair the problems in your marriage. It will be more fullfilling. You may want to look at these sites for additional guidance. Site One and Site Two. I wish you the best.
I was ok with it until the gal from Wyoming (note where I live) showed up at our door with her two daughters.
Nope…it ain’t cool and there damn sure wasn’t any room. I mean this literally.
But it was a lesson well learned…from everyone’s perspective.
Perhaps the OP question should be: Is there room for sex in a healthy marriage?
Toddly, Thanks so much for the links. I haven’t perused them yet, but they look like they will be most helpful. They’ve been added to my favorites. I’ve been looking for something like that, and come back empty.
Jeah, thanks for responding. I think you’re right. I suspect that the people who are claiming “no harm” don’t understand exactly what’s involved. I trust much more the ones with the “been there” stories. I’m at your level three of how things progress. I have regulars. In fact, someone told me last time I visited the chat room that I’m very popular and someone was looking for me. I was incredibly flattered, but got sort of a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as well.
I exchanged e-mails with a few of the people I met. (Yes, it got that bad.) I certainly didn’t want to be in a relationship with any of my cyber friends (I picked them specifically because they were incompatible, and made sure to piss each of them off so they wouldn’t think I’m so wonderful), but it got to the point where I REALLY looked forward to the e-mails.
Silky, that’s frightening. Not something that I’d like to see.
SHAKES, you’re evil. You’re the one that hangs around outside AA meetings with the bottle of rye.
FranticMad: Is there room for sex in a healthy marriage? It seems that the answer to this as well could be no. My marriage may well have been healthier without sex. Too many complications. I’m working on it, but it’s not easy.
It’s been about a week now. I used to chat almost every day.
What can I do about the dreaded e-mail account? Can I block myself access to it? It’s a big temptation.