I suggest that you and hubby need some sort of sex/couples thearpy.
Is more that he does not want to bother to have foreplay with you or is that he does not know how to do this? If it is the latter then have fun teaching him s-l-o-w-l-y what you like. If it is the former I’m afraid you have big problems.
You wrote that you asked him to write you a story and he declined. Now maybe he does not think he is a great writer and is too shy to just do that. Also is the chat you like, ummm, “different” in any way. He may feel uncomfortable with that part of it. Maybe you should have him sit next to you while you chat. Get your husband involved in your sex life. The sex life in you head that is, and I think things can work out.
Thanks for your thoughts. I will be exploring the websites that Toddly recommended. This is not the place to be sharing foreplay woes.
The way in which the chat differs from what goes on in my marriage is that it is almost all flirting and teasing. I think he feels silly that he needs to “win me over” but that’s exactly what I’d like him to do.
Favorite quote of mine (paraphrasing here) “It’s far easier to be a lover than a husband, for the simple fact that it’s easier to say pretty things from time to time, than every day”. I believe that’s a very true statement. As a guy, I know that I make a special effort to try to do the same things with/to my wife that I did when I was still “wooing” her. It’s harder once you’re married, you tend to get into that same every day rut of work, home, eat, bed. Watch the same tv shows, have the same routine. I think you need to sit down, and find a balance that you can both live with. You not expecting roses and romance every day, and he realizing that it is important to make the effort more than once a year. Good luck, and best wishes to you both.
Anything that takes something away from your husband is not healthy for a marriage.
If you are filling a need outside your marriage, I second the couples counseling.
(I don’t mind if my husband goes to a strip club, because he comes home to me; we both benefit. If he was touching the strippers, or coming home comparing me to little-miss-small-young&perky, BIG PROBLEM! Only he benefits and it takes something away from me.)
DeVena I was equating my Cybersex sessions to your husband visiting strip clubs. I have my fun on the computer, then go tackle my husband in the bedroom; we both benefit. What I was attempting was to equalize our sexual desire. My husband is nearly always ready for sex, whereas I take a great deal of warming up.
Since getting the responses here, I’ve altered my behavior. Too many variables in Cybersex (which I already suspected, but was denying), so I’ve quit. Last night I watched the movie 9 1/2 weeks before retiring for the night. My husband was pleased with the results.
I’m now working on the advice from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html. I’m trying to accept that it will always take me longer to become aroused than it will my husband, so, as the Marriage Builders site recommends, it is up to my husband to create the conditions that allow me to enjoy the experience effortlessly. Too greedy of me?
Ok, so here is my take on the whole cybersex / going to a strip club and then coming home to jump your partner deal.
It screams LAZY!!! Basically it says “I am not committed enough to my partner to begin the process, so go get yourself good and worked up and let me know when I can begin the intercourse” Isn’t part of the fun of sex getting the other person all hot and bothered? To me that is a majority of the turn on. It is kindof like cooking- A meal is more enjoyable to me when I know that I cooked and served it, I would not want to say, ok someone else make the great meal and just call me when it is ready to be eaten.
And guava? I think that it IS up to your husband to get you going in the sack. That is not greedy at all. Do I think that the experience will be effortless? no way. I think that the effort is half the fun.
guava I do not think all is lost, since you are willing to try and make it work. My advice is to take time each day to connect, not just on a physical level and talk. Also, hold hands. Call me hokey but to me, holding hands is very important.
I think sometimes in our everyday life we forget how important all the little things are that make up a marriage. Jobs and housework and money can all come and go, but as long as the hugs and conversations and laughter and holding hands things are still consistant, you will be successful.
guava , there is a lot of great help at Marriage Builders and the people are committed to saving a marriage if at all possible. The 3rd line in your above quote is exactly what happened to our marriage so beware of that. I do hope that you can turn it around because I was unable to and I am now paying the price. I wish I could do it all over again.
I receintly found out my wife was having nude cybersex with different men. At first I felt like our marriage was falling apart. Then I thought it isn’t like she is having real sex. So I joined her at her computer as she engaged diferent men and they went at it, (the men didn’t know I was watching her). I find this to be one of the greatest turn-ons of my life and our sex after she is finished is the best it has ever been. Now I encourage her to do this whenever she wants, I know what she will want when she comes out of her office…Yes, it can exsist peacefully in a marriage…
It’s only a problem if your partner is insecure (they’ll get jealous and worry you’ll leave them for someone “better”), not fulfilling you in the relationship (you’ll want to leave to chase the good feelings some other person provides that your S.O. doesn’t), and you haven’t talked/communicated about what you’re doing (specific details of every session arent necessary of course, they just need to know that at times it happens otherwise when they find out they’ll probably be hurt or feel cheated on or like they can’t trust you, or if they don’t find out the guilt weighs down on you).
Exactly the same rules that apply to an open relationship/marriage except cybersex is even safer because there’s no actual sex involved so no STD/pregger/etc risk and it’s unlikely you’ll ditch your husband for someone who lives on the other side of the country.
Of course most people fail at all 3 of the above stipulations haha open sexual relationships are not a lifestyle for everyone.
Couple of quick comments. First, I think its a little unfair to put all the onus on the husband to spend the “hour or more” that it takes to get guava going. I understand that its part of his job to be intimate but her expectations strike me as unreasonable and bordering on dysfunctional. Its not reasonable to expect an hour of foreplay every time you want to have sex. It strikes me as a separate issue that needs to be remedied. He doesn’t sound disinterested to me, but you present a somewhat overwhelming hurdle to climb. I can see how a person might get discouraged. I think you have a responsibility to meet him in the middle on this one. If that takes porn that’s probably a good part of the solution.
Second, I think its a bit of a kneejerk reaction to simply say that cybersex is cheating. It certainly has a few risks if its not handled smartly and if it becomes too emotional it can be quite destructive to a relationship. But, that’s true of just about everything erotic. There are plenty of cases where people became addicted or otherwise biased by porn in a way that damaged a relationship. There are examples of people visiting strip clubs irresponsibly and having it damage a relationship. Few people would immediately leap to the conclusion that those are “cheating”.
I think cybersex can be no more than another type of erotica or porn and can be a perfectly healthy part of a relationship. I concede that it comes with more emotional risk than any other form and it needs to be consciously avoided, but it might be silly to rule it out in absolutes.
Trolling the chat rooms nightly and especially developing close relationships with one or two partners signals a potential problem, but I think its unreasonable to deem that cheating in all cases. You can have a real relationship in cyber, but it can also be little more than choose your own adventure erotica.
Yeah, but cybersex involves two people, which means that it’s got the chance of being unpredictable and not in a good way. It’s not just the cybering, it’s the possibility of someone showing up because they took the relationship to mean more than what was intended. Or the not-unreal risk of blackmail. Or any of the other nasty complications that go along with having a meatspace affair.
So, yeah, it’s cheating because there is another human being involved.
It can’t be cheating when the one who would be cheated *on * has given his permission. But your title says, in a “healthy” marriage, which it later becomes apparent yours is not. What is your goal here? It is a stop-gap measure but the problem in your marriage remains. Is a relationship with someone else what you want to find? Is it what your husband wants you to find? Of course this is not the only way for you to get warmed up for sex, that doesn’t even make sense.
