So, I’ve been a pervert my whole life. Or at least since I was 11 and hitting puberty, before that I was a latent pervert.
And when I lived in NYC (where I moved when I was old enough for my perverted thoughts to become actions) this was not a problem, as fellow perverts came thick on the ground there. There, pervert meeting pervert could happen naturally. Organically. As God intended. At a sleazy bar at 2 in the morning.
But now I live in the boondocks. And while I’ve been delighted to discover that people in the boondocks also have sex, even weird sex, (and I am delighted beyond words to realize people are weird everywhere) perverts- particularly perverts of the particular stripe one might be looking for- are difficult to locate.
So I was looking into some BDSM groups on the web who might be in my area. And I found some. They meet in the food court at the mall.
Yeah, nothing says “erotic” like “the food court at the mall”.
Look. I understand “safe, sane and consensual”. I believe it. I practice it. Me and the guy from 2 o’clock at the bar knew from safe words.
But I’m looking at these web sites and everything is about “relaxed atmosphere”, safety, and a level of wholesomeness that I’m not sure I can equate with the messy business that is sex (even vanilla sex).
Sex is not safe. Weird sex is definatly not safe. It’s not supposed to be. You should have condoms, and try to prevent abuse (which is what these groups seem to be trying to do, and I respect that) but
…nothing worth doing is…ya know…safe.
And the groups I’ve looked into seem to be very much about domesticating weird sex. But I still want to meet people. Should I go to the food court? Or will it just depress me?
You know, I think there may be a possibility that you were spoiled by life in the big city, but you never know.
Whenever I needed something … else … for such wonderful occasions as sex, I’ve turned to the Internet, and there is a possibility that other have as well.
The Internethas made location irrelevant in these circumstances, so it is hard to judge.
I say try it once. If not, you’ll probably never see any of them again no matter how small the town.
I’ve never been to one of the meetings, but I did meet a couple of people from the Boston area BDSM group individually, and they were very nice people. And I can’t imagine the foot court being intimidating…check it out, if it looks weird, get some shopping done
Go for it. There’s a difference between making sure that everybody is comfortable, boundaries respected etc. beforehand, versus during. Tom and I discuss our various scenes very civilly and coherently before and after, but during, it gets raunchy.
Most of the clubs I am aware of have an “introduction” meeting in a public place so both sides can meet and get to know each other and for you to learn about that group. As matt_mcl says, go for it! The worst that can happen is you decide the group is not for you.
Hmmm…maybe you’re the person I should be talking to. 'Cause I’m in the Boston area- that is, New Hampshire, making Boston our local 'big city". So one of the things I was debating was, trek down to Boston, or one of the local groups here.
Ultimately I’d rather meet people as individuals rather than go to some meetng, since ultimately, I’m not interested in joining a club, just looking for those elusive souls who are depraved in the same way I’m depraved (well aren’t we all, really :)?)
I think y’all are right, and I having nothing to lose by going and seeing. But I’d appreciated any feedback for folks who’ve actually gone to these type of groups. If anything, I’m concerened they may be too “nice” for the likes of me .
I can’t belive I never noticed SDMB was an anagram for BDSM. No wonder I like it here.
I used to go out with a girl who was into that sort of stuff. She had found out about it on the Internet somewhere. She’d show me her bruises…I mean she’d show EVERYBODY her bruises.
“Hey look, I’m a bottom!” she’d yell as she’d pull up her dress and show all the motted purple bruises on her inner thigh. She was living at the YWCA at the time, and later hitched to Maryland, and I haven’t seen her since.
Yep, go along. As matt_mcl implies, just because the social meeting is restrained and polite doesn’t mean that the people you meet there will be that way when they’re not out in Polite Society.
And who knows, you might meet someone nice…
(Us BDSMers and perverts have such a different definition of ‘nice’, don’t we? :D)
The guys could look like the comic book shop guy and the women might look like Marge’s sisters. If this is so, the food court is an easy way to scope them out with a walk by before they see you. Careful with the eye contact.
“She asked me, ‘Did you stop doing those jokes because you got in trouble with the S&M community?’ What would trouble be for the S&M community? Are they nice to you?! ‘Noogies! Noogies! Gimme a hug!’” - Suzanne Westenhoefer
My wild-assed guess is that they’re meeting at a food court because either:[ol][li]they don’t want to scare off people by meething at the “Black Death Sadists Lounge”, orthey got kicked out of the Denny’s.[/ol][/li]
Go, do, be. Have fun.
This is just my opinion, betenoir but it sounds like you’re less concerned that the meeting is in a public place that has all the sex appeal of Eleanor Roosevelt and more upset that the lifestyle has become increasingly vanilly, fuzzy and feel good. The dumbing down of D/s and S&M as it were. The *s are mine.
This article by Laura Antoniou addresses some of what you may be feeling. A brief quote below. By no means is this the entire thing and I hope I’m in line with the SDMB policy on quoting copyrighted material.
I can’t think of much that would be more intimidating than a “foot court”. Yuck!
I’ve been to such a meeting, once, in the Boston area. It was actually south of the city, so probably not connected to betenoir’s group. Some friends, who belonged to the group, took me. I was surprised how…mundane, I guess…it struck me as being. Even the “performances”. (If the BDSM internet porn I’ve seen is any indication, these people were pretty tame. But, they may have been “playing nice”, knowing outsiders would be there.) They seemed like a very ordinary group of people. Can’t say how nice they were, or weren’t, because I didn’t really get to meet any of them. Not my cup of tea, so I never went back.
I would guess the group mentioned in the OP meet someplace public because A) it makes newcomers feel safe, and they want to increase their membership, and B) they don’t have to rent a place or broadcast anyone’s home address.
You’re just following me around from thread to thread, collecting information, aren’t you? When we finally get to this Boston dopefest, you’ll see me, and be like, “Oh you’re the one who loves giving blowjobs, always swallows, and has had a history of BDSM…AND you’re single…hmm…”
I should really learn to be less revealing in these threads…
We DO seem to share some interests, don’t we? Just my luck, you’ll turn out to be a babe, think I’m…umm…a hunk? (It could happen! I just need to keep telling myself that.)…and I’ll have to go home to the GF, who doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t, isn’t, isn’t, and might(?). (How’s that for obscure posting?)
No, no, no!
I do. Too often, for some people’s tastes.
And, now…back to the OP. 'Cause I forgot to include the answer to **betenoir[.b]'s actual question, in my last post. I would say, go. What do you have to lose? Yes, it’s a mundane location, but you can always talk to them and see if they’re interesting when they aren’t gnawing bits of gristle off of foot bones.
Yeah, I think she’s got something there. Of course I am judging only from the outside (that’s part of the reason I’m asking here :)) and as hs been pointed out, they probably would put on a “nice” face for outsiders and neophyes.
But judging by their websites (I’m talking about many groups I’ve looked up), they want to be seen as “normal” (and I don’t even believe in “normal” as a concept, much less a goal :)) and seem to be trying to domesticate sex (weird sex, no less) into some wholesome weekend hobby. (Where everyone get’s their ass beaten but nobody get’s their feeloing hurt :D?)
Even the descriptions of the private parites seem to be have the attitude…"Well, just because this is a sex party, we would want anything untoward to break out! :eek: "
I’d have to say most of my expereinces with “organized” BDSM have been similar to Davebear’s.
But…who know? Maybe there’s some cute sadist with the same reservations out there, wondering if HE should go. And I can’t really complain about not wanting to be “too safe” and not have the balls to go see.
(Thanks for the quote, Mr. Matthew. But don’t be so harsh on Elenor, I hear she was a demon in the sack :D)
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We DO seem to share some interests, don’t we? Just my luck, you’ll turn out to be a babe, think I’m…umm…a hunk? (It could happen! I just need to keep telling myself that.)…and I’ll have to go home to the GF, who doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t, isn’t, isn’t, and might(?). (How’s that for obscure posting?)