I agree not to overreact, and grounding seems like something that he is too old for. However, I think it is time to lay down the house rules. If you do not allow people to smoke while living in your home, make that clear. It is your house and he is an adult, you are free to make him abide by your “tenant agreement.” I know many of my friends, when I was in college, whose parents paid their tuition, room and board, etc. but they had a list of requirements they had to live up to in order to “earn” those things. Like maintaining a certain GPA, no drugs, had to work part time, be in school full time, etc. As soon as they violated that agreement, the free ride was over and they were on their own.
Maybe a “time-out”.
My mom made the same deal with me that I’m making with my son: as long as you’re in school full time (until the completion of one and only one degree), then I’ll let you live here rent free. When you decide you’re done with school, either by getting a degree or dropping out, then you’re telling me you consider yourself an adult, and adults pay rent and board.
I paid my own tuition and books, though (or rather, PELL grants did, mostly), because my mom really didn’t have the money for that.
I had to pay for my own car insurance and gas when I got my license; the car itself was a gift from my grandmother when she bought a new one.
Clothes I started paying for when I got a job (around 14) - she’d buy the essentials like underwear and socks, jeans and t-shirts, but anything vaguely attractive I was on my own for. She’d keep me clothed, but not fashionable. By college, I was pretty much buying everything, unless we were out together and she felt generous.
I think that doing this piecemeal was probably a good thing - I didn’t go from utterly carefree to “Ohmigod, you mean someone has to BUY twist ties?” all at once. 
I’d say he should pay rent now. Save the money for him, but tell him there’s no free ride for law breakers.
Also make sure he knows that the next time it happens, he is out in the street.
Good point. Your name is on the mortgage, not his. Yes, our current drug laws are stupid, but he’s the one putting your family at risk here. I’d also point to him that certain drug convictions can result in the loss of federal financial aid. Again–stupid, but real.
How about when he graduates?
I found the comment odd. My parents paid for all those things for me when I went to college, and I suspect that the majority of college students have essentially the same arrangement. I sure don’t see 18 as “way too old” to have parents footing the bill for the big, necessary expenses.
I don’t think it’s that odd, but I’m in your boat. My Mom’s parents paid for everything involved in her college education. When she protested or felt guilty, they said that in return, she should pay it forward and pay for her kids (me, brother) to go to college, which she did. I was always immeasurably grateful for this and I’m sure I could’ve done a better job at expressing it. I intend to do the same for my kids.
I think an appropriate response would be telling him you’re disappointed in his behavior (assuming that you indeed are) and might reconsider the financial support arrangement if there’s a recurrence.
Everyone is certainly entitled to raise their kids pretty much however they want. But IMO, by the time a kid is 18, they are certainly old enough to be buying their own clothes, and at least contributing to - if not paying all of - their transportation expenses.
I also think it worthwhile to have a kid contribute something to their college costs - if only books, fees, a portion of tuition, etc. Especially if the kid is making enough cash to buy pot and pay court costs…
I’m just kinda wondering what message your sending, for this kid (adult?) to have 100% of his earnings going towards entertainment. The only exception I could imagine were if I were requiring/encouraging the kid to put some amount of their income to savings/investments - but the OP doesn’t mention anything like this.
Upon reflection, that was pretty much my situation. I did buy my clothes. My folks lent me money for a car, and took care of insurance, still on the family policy as I was still officially at the home address. I took care of vehicle upkeep and did repay the loan. I responded a bit too hastily.
We’re supporting him the same way my parents supported me while I was in college. I was expected to go to school and keep my grades up, and they completely supported me through four years of school. I did work, and used the money for entertainment and extras, but they paid for most of my expenses. I don’t feel like it impeded me from “growing up” - I knew that I would be expected to support myself as soon as I was out of school.
The kid knows that, too. He’s been told many times, that if he screws up and can’t cut it in college that he’ll be out of the house and supporting himself. Otherwise, we’ll continue to support him for four years of an undergraduate degree. We can afford it, and feel like it will help him get a good footing to get a degree and a decent career. We are also doing this for his older sister, but she made it easier for us: she got a scholarship to pay tuition and books, so we just pay her rent.
I do agree that he needs to take some responsibility somewhere. We made a half-hearted attempt to make him pay for his books this time around, but he managed to blow all his money before the start of the semester, and couldn’t afford them when he needed them. We’ll just have to figure out some way to make the freeloader pay for something.
As for smoking and drinking at our house, that’s just not going to happen. I wouldn’t put up with that, he knows it.
That’s basically what my parents did, with the minor adjustment of I paid for my car and they paid for gas, and they bought most of my clothes because I hate clothes shopping and will wear my old things until they wear out.
I don’t think the kid needs to be grounded, but he sounds like he needs to start having some serious financial responsibilities. Moving out is always a shock (it costs HOW much for groceries?!) and it’s best he be able to estimate out living costs sooner.
Boy, I just don’t understand this attitude. If you stop paying for everything, either he foots the bill or goes without. Doesn’t seem all that complicated.
The fact that you even considered grounding an 18-year old adult should have been sufficient to show that you are still treating him like a little kid.
You could also do that by making him do the shopping once or twice a month. Give him $100, a shopping list (that works out to about $100), tell him he can have the change and let him realize just how much he eats.
So you would be willing to send your kids off to their freshman year of college with no books? I don’t think that’s a good idea. As I indicated, we didn’t do a good job of putting our foot down on this, and he didn’t have the time to save up the $600 he needed for books. Yeah, he works, but at just over minimum wage for 15 hours a week (during the school year). Most of that he spends on food, so he doesn’t eat at home all that much anyway. He will be now, though, since he has to pay off his court costs and such.
By the way, I didn’t really consider grounding him, but was second guessing myself after talking to the other mother. At 18, he’d better be learning how to take care of things himself. In fact, while I was dissappointed that he hadn’t told us about the arrest, I was glad that he did take care of the thing himself. I have been fighting him to do things for himself for a while, and I don’t do things for him unless I really have to.
Well, you could. There are cute girls to borrow books from. There are used textbooks you can buy from former students. They have all the textbooks in the school library. Heck, my algebra text is published by Pearson, and all of the homework is online through something called My Math Lab - where the entire text is printed. I didn’t buy the book (~$180), I just bought the online access ($57) and got the book (in electronic version) for free.
Would it be more of a pain in the ass for him to find a way to make it work? Sure. But it wouldn’t be impossible, and it would be a natural consequence to his choice to blow his money on weed instead of books.
If he can handle getting busted, court dates and whatnot without your help, he can handle finding a few textbooks if he’s short of cash. Whether or not he’d choose to is a different matter, but you’ve not raised a dummy or an incompetent.
Well, basically you say something along the lines of, “You’re 18 now, which we think is old enough to start paying some of your way. From now on, you are responsible for paying for your car/clothes/books/whatever. And this is just the beginning, because in 4 years you will be on your own, so you have to learn about making and managing money.”
Sounds like you have let him have it really nice up til now. And as a parent I well know how much you want to give/help your kid. IMO, you should have started nudging him out of the nest some time ago. It isn’t as tho it is too late now. But you gotta start somewhere.
If he doesn’t like whatever rules you choose to set down and start paying part of his way, he’s free to move out and see how he likes that.
I’m not sure this is a fair thing to say if the kid’s going to school. College can be a tough fucking job, and it’s about the best investment in time and effort you can make in terms of long term payout.
My kid will be welcome to stay at home at my expense for at least her undergrad degree. I’d expect her to work in the summer.
Holy cow your son isn’t that bright.
If I had my family paying for anything whatsoever, let alone paying for every little thing like you are, there is no way in hell that I would ever do anything illegal.
Randmcnally
Who’s looking for a fulltime job while taking 12 credits in order to eat at least once a day.
Charge him $200 per month rent. Or some other amount that’s large enough to sting a little.
Whether you put that money into your own pocket or put it into a separate account that you’re planning to give back to him later is up to you.