I just re-read the thread. OK, now you need to start taking responsibility for him taking responsibility, because right now the only message he’s getting is that no matter how much he mucks about, somebody is going to be there to pick up his slack, and at age 18, that is not a lesson that he needs reinforcing. “We’ll just have to figure out some way to make him pay for something”? Whose house is it? Right now he’s living entirely off your dollar, so you get to set the rules about what he does and doesn’t do or pay for. Set the rules and keep to them: you will pay for your books. If you blow the money, you miss the semester and it’s your own fault: you go to work until the next semester or the next year. It might be a hard lesson, but it’s a bloody valuable one and he’ll only need to learn it once: as it is, all you’re doing is enabling his fecklessness.
Don’t be so sure: the only lesson he’s learnt so far is that someone will be there to clean up his mess and hold his hand if he does screw up, so why should he view smoking dope at home any differently? In what way would you not put up with it? Kick him out? Ground him? Make him pay his bills? Scold him? All he knows from the evidence to date is that you will put up with it.
But who cleaned up the mess? He paid the fine. Who held his hand? He went to court alone.
I can think of two Dopers (though not their names) who have had late teenage/early adult children go round the horn in the court system. He has to pay this fine. He has to be tested on this date. He has to report to his probation officer on that date. And they slough off on these obligations and their parents prod them into them. WVSon didn’t have to be reminded to go to court or ask his parents for money* to pay the fine. He negotiated the whole thing without asking them for any help. Or does that not count as being responsible?
*Or did he? Did he ask for $175 without saying what it was for?
I realize I’ve been thinking about this too much, but it has been useful in encouraging me to think about how things sit with my own similarly aged kids. Cash may be tight for him right now, but you can contribute to a household in countless non-financial ways.
**He does his own laundry, takes out the trash, mows the lawn when asked (for some reason my husband doesn’t want to just assign this to him). **
Sounds to me like its high time someone learned the joys of cleaning bathrooms! Only partially kidding. Yes his primary job is to go to school, get good grades, and stay out of trouble. Same way your primary jobs are to go to work, bring home salaries, and run the household. But a hell of a lot else goes into maintaining a nice home than each person simply doing their own laundry, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn when asked.
We honestly don’t see a lot of him, since he’s either at class, at work, or with his friends.
I realize kids of all ages need to lead their own lives, but IMO that doesn’t mean they ought to completely ignore their family. The situation you describe sounds to me far more like a landlord and a tenant, rather than a parent/child. But you are certainly free to set things up however you wish.
His parents cleaned up the mess when he spent all his cash and couldn’t afford textbooks.
And let’s be real here: yes, he “cleaned up the mess” around the drug violation, but he didn’t do that to be a good responsible person - he did that so Mom and Dad wouldn’t find out.
He’s perfectly CAPABLE of being responsible for himself, as he’s shown. But he’s unlikely to do so while his folks are willing to do it for him. I can’t blame him, really. Of course, he’s likely to make mistakes and have his priorities out of whack (like the book thing) for years to come as he learns what financial planning and responsibility are really all about. That’s why I think he should begin that process now, while his folks are literally nearby to catch him when he falls, instead of waiting another 4 years until he’s done with his degree and possibly in another state.
Of course, there is something to be said for the theory of letting him finish college as a child and *then *learn how to be an adult so he can focus himeself on each in turn, instead of screwing up both at once. Who knows? Maybe that works better. This is one of those parenting puzzles I don’t think anyone has researched for a definitive answer. I’d be interested in it, though.
Only partially kidding. Yes his primary job is to go to school, get good grades, and stay out of trouble. Same way your primary jobs are to go to work, bring home salaries, and run the household. But a hell of a lot else goes into maintaining a nice home than each person simply doing their own laundry, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn when asked.