He probably spends 35 hours/ week in school (based on 8-3). He works 25 hours a week and he already pays for a few extra luxuries for himself. He’s essentially working a 60 hour week and has homework and should be able to socialize. I would pay for the housekeeper for his room once a week, or every other week, as long as he picks up before her visit.
The fact that he asked the housekeeper to clean his room and he would pay means he’s already resposible AND values a clean environment. Loosen up a little and be generous about this very small thing.
Sounds to me like your son is attempting to act as an adult contracting with another adult for a service. I understand that you are Queen of the Castle and that his going to the maid seems, in some ways, to undercut your authority. On the other hand, his independence is to be applauded.
Perhaps a word that you appreciate that he is maturing and you are pleased at his budding independence, but it would have been more appropriate for him to ask the head of household about this before he approached the maid. Keep it adult and non-confrontational. He is, after all, still learning.
Question: Has he BEEN cleaning his room for the last six years, yes or no?
If yes, then he knows how to clean his room, lesson learned. However, he IS working more, as you point out. He really does have less time for all the non-school, non-work things in his life. He evidently has made a cost-benefit decision and decided he’d rather pay the maid to clean his room for a fee than to save the money and do it himself. Again, this is the sort of decisions adults make all the time. In fact, YOU have made that decision yourself by getting a maid. He is, in many ways, emulating you.
Normally, I, too, am in the “do it yourself” category but there have been times in my life I’ve hired a housekeeper or used a laundry service so I had time to work overtime or care for a dying relative or whatever without totally exhausting myself.
If he were my son I think my main concern would be that he is able to clean his room on his own, not whether he actually does it or hires a maid to do it.
Then he’s earned the privilege as far as I can see. ESPECIALLY since he’s willing to pay for it himself. Sounds like you’ve raised a responsible human being there, so congratulations. Now let him “borrow” the maid for his room.
If he’s an adult he should be allowed to choose to either do it himself or pay someone else to do it. He many not yet be fully independent, but he’s not a child any more either. Your relationship with him will change over the next couple years.
Honestly, I don’t think cleaning/cooking is a particularly hard skill set. And I think that if a child has been raised in a clean home then they’re (in the absence of dysfunction) perfectly capable of learning the intricacies of laundry in about the time it takes to do one load. Or other household chores. Especially in the case of this teen, who has (per the OP) been cleaning his room up to now, - he’s obviously smart enough & hard working enough to look at his options and choose to pay someone else to do it.
He sounds like a good kid, and you’ve taught him well. I agree with everyone else; let him make his own arrangement with the cleaning lady for his room.
I was thinking about this just yesterday; we don’t have kids, but we see our nieces and nephews all being raised without any responsibilities in the household at all. How does that work when the kids become young adults and start living on their own? Is it really that easy to learn to look after yourself and your household when you’ve never really done anything like that?
(If this is too much of a hijack, BeaMyra, please don’t hesitate to say so and I’ll take it elsewhere. )
It wasn’t easy for me. My parents had a cleaning lady and I never was taught to do basics around the house. I actually struggled to learn basic things my friends already knew. Plus it was the mechanics of how you organize yourself and keep your environment managed. I’m a very technically oriented person, but it took me years to learn some of these higher order organizational and responsibility skills.
I dunno, it doesn’t seem unduly harsh to me. The kid’s a senior in high school–if he hasn’t learned those skills by now, he’s jolly unlikely to learn them in the next few months. And it really is a hell of a double standard, to say that she deserves a cleaning lady because she works 40 hours a week, but he doesn’t deserve one even though he’s in school 30+ hours a week and working 25.
Well, one assumes that most of what the housekeeper cleans are common areas: bathrooms and carpets and the kitc.hen. If the mom wants to pay for the additional indulgence of an extra hour or two a week to have her own areas cleaned, but isn’t willing to pay for the same for the son, I don’t see that as any worse of a “double standard” than a parent buying a nicer car for themselves than for their kid.
My dad used to take roast beef sandwiches to lunch but we kids got PB or tuna fish. Is that really a terrible thing?
Yeah, but the question wasn’t “Should I pay for the cleaning lady to do the kid’s room?” It was “Should I permit my college age son use his own money that he earned himself to pay the cleaning lady to do his room?” If it was the first question, I’d be the first one to say hell no, make him pay for it himself. As it is, it’s like you wanting to buy your own roast beef with your paper route money and your dad wanting you to make do with PB as a matter of principle.
I never said you didn’t, I was merely disagreeing that the comments were unfairly harsh. Mileage varies and all that. Personally, I think the kids would learn more valuable lessons taking an equitable share in all the household care including the parts being hired out than the set up the OP seems to have going.
Why are you going to see to it that she ‘doesn’t undercharge him?’ Can she not think of a price by herself? Are you trying to send somebody a message? It’s a very strange thing to say/do.
Because sometimes people are kind to kids. No offensive intended to the maid, I’m sure. We have to keep my friend from overpaying my daughter when she baby sits for his kids. People are sometimes like that.
This baffles me as to why you want to make things unnecessarily hard on your children (again). We all need support systems, and that usually comes from family and close friends, it is a different standard then when they get out of the world yes, but we all need that place closest to us where we can receive some favor.
Early adulthood is when that favor can make a big difference and learning the value of family and close friends of family.
It also makes you look like the one who is preventing them from receiving what is offered to them freely (both to your children and those who would really like to give your children a bit of favor) . This doesn’t put you in a good position and as evidence that your son bypassed you.
I know you said you felt I was harsh, but I really feel you are the one being overly harsh on them very possibly to your loss.
We each have our own responsibilities. I make and clean up breakfast and dinner almost everyday, pack lunches, bake for snacks, pay bills, braid hair, drive to 1000 after school activities, check homework, work full time, grocery shop, and whatever else.
They go to school, do homework, do their after school activities, empty the dishwasher and tidy their room. Occasionally they do their own laundry. Help around the house as aked. My son leaves for a 10 day trip to Spain Friday.
The housekeeper, who comes every other week doesn’t even do my room, since right now it’s a staging ground for packing up the house. I have no idea how you conclude that I purposefully put barriers in my kids’ way. They are learning positive lessons about being independnt and self sufficent. They also do their own homework, write their own thank you notes and masticate their own food.
It’s too laugh as my kids are probably ridiculously indulged, almost to a fault. But yes, they clean their own rooms.
I was talking about in my last post not allowing them to receive some favor in receiving payment from people who want to give it to them because they know them and/or you.
I was talking about not allowing them to receive some favor in receiving payment from people who want to give it to them because they know them and/or you.[/]
I truly have no idea what you’re referring to. What favor?
Second thought- never mind. I’m just not that vested in this.
I really don’t understand why you would do this. Your friend is probably thankful that they personally know you and her and feel good about your daughter babysitting and would like to show appreciation in paying a bit more.
If you wanted to make a life lesson perhaps overpayment can go into a family fund or college account, but not allowing her to receive the payment that they want to pay just does not compute.
Going back to the OP, yes I can understand teaching them how to clean their room by having them do it, but it is past that point, they know how. Desire to clean has to come from within them however and that really can’t be taught.
So on both of these it really makes no sense to me and appears to not have any reason behind it and again seems to be making your children’s lives hard for no reason.
I also think it is building barriers between you and them given the one point that your son went to the maid, not you.
I can see some value in wanting children to clean their own room.
The actual act of cleaning isn’t rocket science (though there is some real knowledge behind doing it well rather doing it superficially), but it does take practice and discipline to make it routine. I was raised without steady chores, and it did harm me. To this day I consider cleaning to be this horrible imposition on my time, rather than a normal part of life like showering or paying the bills. So I let it build up until it is overwhelming, and then I hate it even more. I think if I had been raised to think of chores more routinely, I would have more discipline and do them more routinely.
I think it’s also important to prepare kids for the fact that when they finish college, they are going to take a lifestyle hit. I was SHOCKED when I got my first paycheck and first set of bills and realized I couldnt afford my own apartment, I couldnt afford to shop at the supermarket like my mom did, I couldn’t afford stuff like cable or new clothes. I was poor! I never fully understood that I was able to enjoy my (modest) lifestyle at home because my mom had paid her dues. What had been a “pocket money” job in college suddenly had to cover rent and meals. I wish my mom had done a smoother job of shifting daily expenses over to me and started shifting my expectations down a bit earlier.
The son here is able to afford luxuries because his mom subsidizes the essentials. It may be good for him to not get too used to having money to throw around. Soon he will have to deal with stuff like health insurance and it could be decades before he is in a position to hire a cleaning service. I would be uncomfortable with a teenager getting accustomed to the idea that choosing to hire someone to clean is a normal option for people before they have climbed their career ladder a bit.
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