A close friend and co-worker has become the primary care giver for her elderly mother; this has happened gradually over the past several years. Her mother is a widow (her father’s been dead over a decade); she’s the youngest, btw; most of her siblings live out of state now so she’s the closest to their mother, physically.
From listening to her descriptions of her mother lately, it sounds like she’s at the beginning of either Alzheimers or dementia. My friend isn’t with her mother 24/7 but does see to her needs like making sure she has food in the house and fixing dinners or taking her out so ensuring that she does eat at least once a day. Her mother doesn’t really have any friends, though, nor does she want to get involved in any senior center activities. And a few months ago, my friend snapped at her mother. She yelled at her and told her to stop living in a fantasy land - she’s been talking about her deceased husband (my friends dad) as if he were still alive.
I think my friend is probably burnt out and now I’m scared that she might become abusive with her mother. I don’t know what to do though, if anything! My SO says do NOT get involved. And really, there’s not much I can do anyway–I only know of that one incident; it was mostly my co-workers reactions while telling of it that made me worry about her mother–the stress was pretty telling for her that day. I did make a few suggestions about checking to see if there is some way she can get help with her mother, so that the entire burden isn’t on her all the time. They were rejected, and I haven’t said anything further.
I’m ashamed to admit that I actually see what my SO suggests as the only course open to me. He says that if I do get involved, it will come back to haunt me and I’ll get blamed if something goes wrong. It’s her and her familie’s business, not mine. Best to stay out of it all.
You’re asking if you should become involved, right?
If you love your friend, then yes, with some limitations.
Start here: www.alz.org and get your friend “educated”, and then “step back” and be as supportive as you can, but always with the caveat that you have to be asked and then remember to say something like, “if this were MY mom… etc.”
Your friend and her Mom are going through a tough time right now, but they don’t need to go through it alone, and this is how you can help.
God bless you for caring, and if I can do anything at all, let me know!
Bill
PS: Thanks to my new friend for getting in touch with me!
If you haven’t seen any signs of abuse, I wouldn’t directly approach her about it. Dealing with the elderly can be a frustrating experience, especially when its your parents. I’m pretty sure nearly everyone in this situation has gotten pissed off at some point and started venting. It’s not an easy thing to deal with.
I’d try to open with something like “I know it must be difficult for you…”, and try to get her to talk about it. Sometimes knowing that someone else understands what you’re going through makes all the difference. I’d offer support and encouragement, but don’t get too nebby if she’s reluctant to share. And don’t blab about it to your other co workers or she’ll find out and it will blow up on you for sure.
Thanks for the suggestions and support–some really great ideas there, thanks!
I do realize how hard it is to deal with this sort of situation, especially when it’s a parent. When my friend talks about her Mom, I’ll just listen–I do understand that many times she just needs to vent. It just scared me that I didn’t know if she realized that maybe her Mom couldn’t help what was happening to her.
Special thanks to you, Quasimodem, for your insight and for the link.
Having dealt with a parent that had ALZ, I can attest to the fact that it is hard to get used to someone repeating themselves or talking about the past as if it were now.
You just keep telling yourself that it’s the disease speaking, not the person. This helps to a degree. And you can’t argue with the person or try to explain things to them or convince them of the truth. It only gets them more confused. Just nod and agree.
An Adult day care center which deals with those with ALZ and other issues might be a good option, even if just for a few hours a day. Your friend will definitely need breaks now and then or she could get caregiver burnout.
A friend of mine refused to get any outside help, even though the family could have afforded it, when she was dealing with her dad, who had Parkinson’s. She ended up sometimes yelling at him or swearing at him, once even hit him on the arm and another time poured a bowl of Ensure over his head. I would hate to see any situation come to that.
I think it’s actually a good sign that she vented to you, even once. Better than bottling it all up inside or taking it out on her mom, and a good vent might be all she needs, at this point.
But I also like the other supportive suggestions, and would go ahead and gently suggest some of those to her. As long as you approach it gently, you can be a support to her, within your personal boundaries, and while she has your emotional support, she can probably be a better caregiver to her mother.
I’ve been watching my mom go through this with my grandmother - and honestly, sometimes I think mom is a little more mentally unstable than gran. The best thing, I’ve found, is to listen more than I speak and make lots of noncommittal but loving sounds. I help out with rides, dinners, etc. where I can, but I feel like the most useful thing I do is let Mom vent when she needs to and don’t hold anything she says in the heat of the moment against her later.
Send her the alz.org link and lie if you have to – ‘Hey, my friend/relative was talking about her aunt with Alzheimer’s and some of the things she said really rang a bell. I could be way off, but better to catch this stuff early on. She sent me a website, i’ll forward it to you…’
I’m not an expert, but will pass along something that was told to me during my father’s final days, when he was pretty much living in la-la land. Don’t feel the need to correct the person’s mistaken ideas. If a person truly believes that his/her late spouse is still alive, and will be there later today, for example, it might be possible to remind them that this is not the case. However, they then re-experience the loss all over again, only to forget again later. If it’s not doing any harm to live in a fantasy land (other than being annoying to the caregiver), it can be cruel to take that away. In his final days, my dad believed that my mom was still alive, that he’d been to England on a cruise, that several of his friends came and took him out to dinner. Would it have helped for us to remind him that his beloved wife was dead, that he was in the hospital dying from cardio-vascular disease, and that actually none of his “friends” had taken the trouble to stop by at all?
When my friend talks about her Mom, I’ll just listen–I do understand that many times she just needs to vent. It just scared me that I didn’t know if she realized that maybe her Mom couldn’t help what was happening to her.