I think I am going to tell my husband in a, “listen to the next bat shit crazy thing Kate said.” ha ha ha…
It’s going to hurt. But I just don’t think I can not tell him…
Don’t keep secrets from your spouse. That’s never a good thing.
Regardless of your decision, good for you for being an adult and making a good, reasoned solution.
Congratulations on being a good person!
I certainly wouldn’t “ha ha ha” it, but make sure you’re simply relaying the “crazy shit” his sister is now saying about his father.
Well, your husband needs to know, and from the sounds of it, will eventually know.
What I would probably do is tell him that his sister was hospitalized for self-harm and that he really should talk to her. That way the ball is in the sisters court. Telling about abuse is a personal thing and it should be up to her to tell.
Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. But not doing the right thing can hurt a lot worse.
It’s like having surgery to remove a tumor. Sure, surgery is unpleasant and there’s recovery time. But dying of cancer is a lot worse.
Tell him. He should have realised how strange this is, and he can decide if he wants to believe it.
Do not withhold this info from your husband. He needs to be able to trust you, and any such withholding will erode that trust. You’re not parenting him, you are his partner (or at least I hope you are).
Wow, thanks!
I feel really bad for my husband. I have such a great relationship with my brother and sister, and they bring so much joy to my life. It must suck so bad for him to not have that. It hurts him that Kate and Genny haven’t met our son yet, and there always seems to be a pool of drama surrounding his family.
Who knows. Maybe this will help explain some stuff to him. Maybe he will stop thinking it is him that his sister is avoiding.
Thanks for giving me the courage, guys. Texting him now to “go get some lunch and chat.”
Thanks for the tough love, QTM. Of course you are right.
Best of luck telling him - keep us updated if you get a chance?
Tell his sister she needs to tell him. And if she doesn’t, then you should.
My only issue with that (aside from the fact that I have no ability to communicate with his sister) is that she won’t be released from the hospital until next week.
Well, I’d wait and try that route first. Even if you relay the message to her and she doesn’t respond. Give her a time table and an ultimatum.
It really should come from her since they are all family. This way you can confront her and find out if she really is lying or telling the truth. Because if she is lying, that could put you in a bad spot.
It doesn’t matter if she is lying or not. The wife knows something her husband has a right to know. And if he finds out she knew and didn’t tell him, it would be much worse.
Yeah, but it still shouldn’t have to come from her. I mean you have to question why llcoolbj was even told in the first place? She might be telling the truth and just afraid to tell her brother or she might be playing games.
Either way, I stand by what I said. Give the sister an ultimatum. Either tell her brother by a certain time and day, or do it yourself. I think she could afford to wait a week.
But, maybe this isn’t a good idea. Perhaps Genny struggled with telling you this info as you struggle to tell your husband. Maybe she told you because your child is around his father as well as giving you a reason for Kate’s issues.
Devil’s advocate: why can’t she just reply, “I didn’t want to tell you because it was a very serious accusation and I didn’t want to upset you until I was sure it was true, since you and your dad are so close”?
I couldn’t keep a secret from my husband, for fear it would be eroding us.
Another plus to telling him yourself, is that you can choose to do it at a good time when he has an opportunity to process it (don’t do it on the way out the door taking your kids for ice cream, like my husband did!).
She doesn’t have to validate anything Kate says. There’s no way she could do that anyway. How the heck is she supposed to be able to investigate whether the accusations of abuse are true or not?
She is not responsible for finding out the truth. She is responsible for not keeping secrets from her husband. And this means, not telling her husband that Kate might have been sexually abused, but telling her husband that Kate is claiming to have been sexually abused. She should take absolutely no position on the truth or falsity of Kate’s claims, because she has absolutely no way to know.
Don’t blow off Kate’s claim with “of course I didn’t believe it, haha!”, or accept Kate’s claim. Simply tell your husband that the claim was made to you, and refuse to speculate further.