Should I tell my husband???

In My Humble Opinion
1

Short Version (as short as I can):

My husband and his older sister, Kate, have never gotten along. She has a lot of issues. They had a rough childhood (crappy parents, mom depressed, dad workaholic, mom died young from complications from diabetes when my husband was in college).

Kate is a drama queen, and engages in some truly hurtful and inappropriate behavior. She is bipolar and medicated for it. She has alleged past childhood sexual trauma before.

Anyway, this past weekend was the 10th anniversary of Mom passing away, and the family was supposed to get together and have an informal memorial. Kate’s wife texted me, the most neutral party, to say they probably couldn’t make it.

This is not shocking. In the five years I have known the family, Kate has dodged 8 of 10 family get-togethers. My husband and his father call Kate, text Kate, to no avail. Other family members call my husband to see if Kate is ok since she is ignoring everyone. Finally Kate’s wife comes out with it, she has been hospitalized for self harm, etc… she will be released next Wednesday.

So I call her wife to figure out what the heck is going on. In addition to the previous claims of sexual trauma she has experienced, Kate is now disclosing that her father abused her sexually as well. :frowning:

I explained to my husband about the hospitalization, but did not tell him that his sister is now accusing his father of abuse. Fuckballs!!! This conversation occured last night, btw, so I’ve been sitting on this info for about 18 hours.

Make no mistake, my loyalty is 100% to my husband. I am sure this accusation will come to light eventually when Kate is released. It is going to hurt my husband badly. We have been dealing with a lot of shit lately. I don’t really want to pile any more shit on his plate. And he and his father are super-duper tight.

So, should I tell my husband, or wait until he hears it from his sister… if she ever decides to disclose to him?

Secondary issue - I have no doubt that Kate is full of shit, and her behavior in the past is the height of “the boy who cried wolf.” But there is a teeny-tiny place in my heart that thinks this might be true. I have a 14mos old son, and I have never left him alone with Grandpa. In my gut I just wouldn’t, and have been able to pass it off as over-protective new mommy. I was never concerned with sexual abuse, but just… something… I don’t know. Instinct, maybe. This part of it is kind of killing me, because even if there is only a 0.0001% chance that it is true, I’m really not going to take any chances with my child (or future children). But there is no way in hell my husband will ever believe his sister about this, and it has the potential to create a serious problem. FUCKBALLS!!!

Help!

2

Let him find out on his own. Keep doing what you’re doing with your kid.

3

Well, I’m in the camp that keeping secrets from your spouse has a positive outcome about 0% of the time. So I would tell him. Otherwise, you’ll have to deal with the “you knew this and didn’t tell me!?” thing later.

Yea, Kate might be full of shit. Better to get it out of the way than to let it fester.

4

What ACWM said

You are in the middle of a tough situation you didn’t intentionally sign up for. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

And I don’t think you are keeping a secret from your husband by not telling him. You just got told first, it’s obviously not a secret if the sister’s wife was willing to tell you. It didn’t seem from the OP she was telling you in confidence, so it will probably come to light anyway without you helping it along. It’s more gossip at this point if you do tell him because you don’t know if it is true or not. I would stay quiet and let the sister tell whomever she wants to, not you.

5

OTOH, I am horrible at taking my own advice and if this was something I was dealing with my in-laws I would have let my husband know immediately. I can’t keep anything to myself. This is why my husband knows everything about me or anything my friends or family says to me, whether he wants to or not. I know he is great at keeping things to himself, so I use him as a sounding board. If you think your husband could handle being your sounding board go ahead and tell him, but if you really think it would devastate him because it is too personal don’t tell him

6

Just tell him and get it over with. You don’t know much anyway, and you should avoid being the liaison between him and his family in the future.

7

You should tell him. If my wife was sitting on something like that, I’d want to be told. Remember, it’s not you he won’t believe, it’s his sister.

8

I think you need to break it down into parts:

First, as far as disclosure goes, I am NOT one of those people who believes you must disclose every fact or fiction that comes across your plate. Your evaluation of the situation is reasoned and reasonable. You would do well to prepare arguments and insights to soften the blow to your husband should this accusation come to light. Who knows, he may be more prepared for and able to disregard and accusation than you think, given history.

Now as far as your child goes, yeah, that’s tough. Once again I don’t see where absolute honesty would be of value, not that honesty is not virtuous, but instead due to the possibility that you were wrong and the damage it would do. On that point I can only suggest you keep to the path you are on, trust your gut, and hope for the best.

Sorry I have no easier answer than that. The likely fact is that when a family has a toxic creature flailing about within it, the family often has shadows and imprints of that person cast upon them. Though they likely are innocent of any of the evils they are accused of, the presence of such things stains them.

As you say you husband and his father are ‘super tight’, and so it is very hard to bring up this issue. The very very small window I see here is the thought that you could express a concern that you do not want to put his father in a position that he may get accused of further abuse or neglect, for his sake. By turning the (apparent) concern in the situation into that of the father you will prevent your child from being exposed to this very small chance of harm, show a compassion for the father in a tough situation, and show your husband a sense of support for his family. It would be hard to pull off but that is one way to run the course.

If Kate has been this way for a long time then I imagine the thought that the father will be accused of abuse has already crossed the minds of everyone in your husband’s family. They may be better prepared for the swipe than you imagine.

Final advice - if you believe what you say, that Kate is crying wolf and you stand by your husband’s family, then I would not share what you know. If and when this accusation comes out, take the position ‘I expected that this would be said and I don’t believe it.’ If it comes out that you were told take the position "I heard about this and I didn’t believe it was worth repeating, the idea is so repugnant.’

I do not believe ‘it is good to be blunt’ or any of that crap. As a member of a family whose happiness you wish to maintain, exercise your judgement and be kind to them.

9

Definitely do not tell him. This is the exact sort of thing that’s going to turn YOU into the enemy unless you can 100% look him in the eye and tell him that of course it’s not true and his sister is making it up. Which would be a big fat lie because you just admitted yourself that it may be true.

Do not tell him!!! This is none of your business really so you shouldn’t have even known, and it’s not right for you to be the one to tell him such a thing. Let his sister tell him. It’s the right thing to do; if it ever comes to him, it should come from her.

10

You say this as though it’s a bad thing (and it may well indicate a reservoir of sound mental health on her part).

11

He’s going to hear it either way. I think it would be a lot easier coming from you. One, you’re partners in everything, good and bad. You’ve got his back and can present this in a way easiest for him to hear and deal with. Two, there’s no telling apparently just how his sister would present it, probably not well.

12

“Wow, honey, guess what latest weirdness your sister told me?”

13

Tell your husband. And just think if there is a 1% chance this is true, there might be a reason she doesn’t want to come to any of the family get togethers. I wouldn’t want to either.

14

Disagree completely. How will the husband will feel when it comes out his wife knew about this all along and didn’t tell him?

15

I’ve changed my mind, actually. I’d want to know were I him.

16

You say you don’t want to leave your kids alone with your father-in-law. To make that work, you need to explain it to your husband. Otherwise, there’s a chance that a time will come where you’ll be out and about or whatever and your husband leaves the kid(s) with his dad because why the hell not?

17

You need to tell him. You shouldn’t keep this from him. Like others have said, if it ever gets back to him that you knew way ahead of him, he’ll be pissed at you for keeping it from him. That may lead to trust issues between the two of you. And like you said, your loyalty is to your husband-- not your sister-in-law, not your father-in-law.

Make sure you do right by your husband-- and that means being upfront with him and not keeping secrets. You’re his partner, figure out the least worst way to share this information with him, and do it as soon as possible.

18

Yep. Its his family mess he should be told. I would want to be.

19

:smiley: Good call. The two times she has joined us was when I was hosting Thanksgiving, and she and her wife came and celebrated with my parents.

This whole thing stinks of “shoot the messenger” no matter how I slice it.

Bottom line, it is none of my business, beyond how I manage my kid. Kate needs to be the one to decide if and when she confronts her father, and how she intends to handle this. I will tell my husband, but… ugh. Not looking forward to this convo.

I am hanging up my “liason” hat for good. Although I do love Genny, and enjoy her friendship. We will just have to set some boundaries.

Thanks guys.

20

Tell your husband, gently. Best he know early and have time to prepare. And trust your instinct about his father. Can’t hurt, might really help.