im going to be very simplistic
if your sister died tonight of alcohol poisoning from overdrinking could you look at your mother and think to yourself yes mom i knew she was (over)drinking etc
White Lightning, you are so off base on this it isn’t even amusing.
The problem is not alcoholism. Let’s hope she lives, unraped, long enough to BECOME an alcoholic. Drinking until unconscious while out partying is tossing your fate completely into the hands of others.
Are you familiar with the concept of date rape? Acquaintance rape? According to this KSU site, 84% of rape victims knew the rapist, nearly 60% of rapes happen on dates, more than half of the victims were drinking.
It is completely irressponsible to suggest that there is no harm in drinking herself unconcious among “friends”. All it takes is ONE not so good “friend”.
I don’t object to heavy drinking, I just did my share of it at ChiDope. I DO really have a problem with those who completely abandon their very survival into somebody else’s hands without any forethought.
OK, I sent an email to my mom on Monday night telling her that I think she should reign my sister in a bit. I said I thought she should give her a curfew so that she (mom) is awake when my sister gets home. I said in the email that she really needs to have a talk with my sister, and that my mom should ask my sister why I think my sister needs a curfew. I told her that if my sister didn’t fess up, I’d have to tell.
The main reason I decided to go ahead and start to get it out into the open a bit more is because I decided my sister has too much potential (she really does if she stays focused) for her to hurt herself on something like this. As others have mentioned, the guilt I would feel if something bad happened would be too much for me to live with.
I talked to her on IM tonight and she was really mad when she found out that I emailed our mom. Her anger wasn’t all that surprising, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Getting her in trouble is not something I want to do, I want her to be safe.
I asked her why she did it, and told her what some consequences could be. Of course she knows that she won’t get raped or have alcohol poisoning, because her and her friends “look out for each other!” She says she hasn’t passed or thrown up in a “long time,” but I told her that I thought passing out one time was once too many. She claims she doesn’t get drunk any more, she just gets a little tipsy, and that she always holds her drink, so no one could put anything in it. She says that it doesn’t have any effect on her anymore (so why drink at all?) and that worries me that she might decide it wouldn’t have any effect on her driving (despite my repeated warnings to never drive if she’s had anything to drink).
I know my mom, and I told my sister to go and confess and tell our mom that she wouldn’t do it anymore (and mean it) and she would get off easy. I told her if it doesn’t have an effect on her anymore then drinking a soda instead shouldn’t be any problem. My sister persisted with the “it’s my life! Let me make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes!” Sis also refused to tell mom even though I told her if she didn’t I would which would get her into more trouble. She said she’d just tell mom that I was talking about her grades. She said that she didn’t want mom to feel like a failure, so I told her mom would feel like a real failure if she had to ID her body, sis responded with the “it won’t happen excuse.” The impression I got was that she doesn’t want to tell mom because she doesn’t want to stop.
My mom hasn’t replied yet, so I don’t know what’s going on just yet. It looks like mom is going to find out though, one way or another.
by ShibbOleth
She does talk to us, but it’s amazing to me how naive parents are when it comes to stuff like this. In the “bad pizza” incident I mentioned above mom didn’t see through my sister’s ridiculous story. As soon as I heard what my sister was saying an alarm in my head went off. I even jokingly said, “ask to talk to the girl’s (whose house she was at) parents.” Mom didn’t.
She’s remarried too. That’s another factor, I’m trying to keep my step-dad out of it, because his daughter from a previous marriage got into heavy drugs bigtime before she was the age my sister is now. So his response would be (I know because he’s said it) would be to throw her (or me if he’d caught me in HS) in a rehab program for the first offence. :rolleyes: I personally think that’s totally overreacting.
My mom and I have a really good understanding of each other, I’m not sure how to explain it. I don’t want it to seem like I’m the one doing the parenting, or that my mom doesn’t parent, because neither of those are the case. My mom does do a good job, but us kids are sneaky (my sister more so than I was).
My sister is still mad, says I won’t listen to her, don’t trust her, etc. I think she will get over it eventually. I just hope I did the right thing.
Thanks to everyone for the links too, maybe I’ll be able to use them to bring my sister back to earth.
Dignan, that took a lot of guts. I’m sure it was the right thing to do, even though the short term consequence can be difficult. Make sure that you make it abundantly clear to your sister that you did this out of love and not some sort of need to bust her chops.
As for your Mom being naïve, this is possible. But it’s just as likely that she is in a bit of denial over the situation. Sometimes it’s easier for people (parents are human, too, something we as children often forget) to gloss over a difficult situation and accept ludicrous explanations than to confront them head on.
Likewise with your sister and her “I don’t want Mom to feel like a failure” argument. This is classic rationalization. If this were incredibly important to her she could just as easily choose not to drink. Unless it’s not so much a choice for her anymore. Anyway, parents are only part of a whole set of influences on children; I’m not sure that anyone can take full credit or blame for what someone else does.
If things get stickier, and they may, there are a whole lot of supportive folks out here that are available to let you unload, day or night. Use that.
Good luck!
Dignan, kudos to you (again) for looking out for your sister. If you’re still feeling bad about talking to your mom, know that MY mom thinks you absolutely did the right thing. 
yojimboguy, you are right that drinking till you pass out can be dangerous, even some times when you think you’re in a safe environment.
i still think you did the wrong thing. but i hope it turns out for the best.
Well mom confronted sis and asked her if she had anything to tell her (mom). Sis got really mad and said she had no idea what I was talking about (I had told my sister that I sent the email, and let her read what I wrote), I guess she was holding out thinking that I’d buckle and decide not to tell after all. This was after her soccer game, so she got on the team bus and mom said she’d talk to her about it when she got home.
Sis got another chance to confess when she got home and denied everything again. Mom told her that if she would just tell her what was going on (instead of lying) she wouldn’t be in as much trouble. She still refused, so mom called me, and I spilled the beans. My sister responded with plenty of drama saying how much she hates me and that I ruined her life, her life as she knew it is over (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), I should mind my own business, etc. After she found out I told, she said that she was planning to stop so I shouldn’t have told, even though when I would ask her to stop she would always respond with “Let me make my own decisions, and learn from my mistakes on my own.” That line tells me she didn’t plan on stopping.
I’m confident now that I made the right decision. It turns out that when she was going out to parties she was always coming home and never spending the night anywhere. The bad thing about that is her friends weren’t carpooling with a designated driver like I had thought (which is what I did in HS). Sis would drive to the party, and then have someone drive her and her car home, while someone followed and then gave the driver a ride back. That’s at least two teenage drivers on the road, late at night, who have possibly been drinking. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. I knew some people that used this system in HS, and it did work for them, but there’s too much potential for something to go wrong. If my sister needed to get home and no one was able to drive, how do I know that she wouldn’t decide that she was OK and drive herself since she had her car there? How do I know that the person that drives her car home hasn’t been drinking too and is sure that they can drive because of inflated self-confidence? That was another thing, my sister claimed I shouldn’t live my life thinking of “what-ifs” and that she would’ve been fine. I guess we won’t know either way now, but at least we won’t have to find out the hard way.
My mom is going to take away my sister’s car for a little while (she still might be allowed to drive to school), and it looks like she will get a curfew, although it won’t be as bad as the 11 I was originally planning to push. It looks like my sister is going to get a relatively light sentence, IMO, all things considered.
Thanks to everyone for the advice (even if I didn’t take it).
One sixteen year old checking in. Dignan, I think you made the right choice. Quite frankly, your sister sounds completely oblvious to the dangers of drinking, and doesn’t sound responsible enough to be able to take complete care of herself in situations like that. Not all teenagers are like that. But it’s my humble opinion that if they can’t prove that they’re being responsible and resonable in their deviant behavior, then they shouldn’t be able to do it. Period.
Good job, and good luck.
Thanks for the update, Dignan. Do you think your sister’s getting off relatively “easy” because your mom doesn’t understand the full extent of the problem (in other words, doesn’t know all the details), or because your mom doesn’t think it’s as big a deal as you do (even though she knows everything you know)? Or because she doesn’t want to piss your sister off?
Just wondering.
I really did mention it to my own mother (since I am the youngest–by far!!–in my family, and never had to deal with such issues, I wondered what I’d do in your shoes), and damn near got grounded myself because when she asked me how I’d replied to you, I failed to indicate a “TELL! TELL! TELL!!!” response.
She said, hands down, no questions, that you ABSOLUTELY should spill the beans. I didn’t even give her all the dirt, just that your sister was in HS, and was drinking, but still she said TELL!
Of course, as someone whose parents were pretty damn strict (an 11:00 curfew would have THRILLED me… hell, being able to go out more than twice a month would have thrilled me…), I can tell you that if MY mama was raising your sister, that girl would not be seeing the light of day for a good, long time, and that would mean no sports, no trips to the library (too typical a “cover-up” scheme), no studying with friends, no phone, NOTHING.
Now, granted, I come from a family prone to flipping out a little over such matters (I once got in MAJOR trouble for inhaling the odor of a chili pepper so long–a dorky 6th-grade contest between me and a friend, to see who could take it the longest before her nose began to sting unbearably–that my nose turned red; my mother screamed about how it was just the same as doing DRUGS :rolleyes: and I got grounded for about two years), but it seems to me like your sister is getting off mighty easy, and is being exceedingly dramatic about her punishment!
Anyway, again, you’re a good brother. One day your sister will know that again. 
foxfiregrrl, thanks for backing me up. I don’t think she’s oblivious to the consequences, I do believe she knows what can happen. She just doesn’t think anything will happen to her.
auntie em, I just meant she was getting off relatively lightly, because compared to other punishments I’ve heard about from friends (and from what you said) it could have been much worse. I admit that I haven’t heard what the total punishment is going to be, but as far as I know she’s still going to be able to take part in her school extracurricular activities. I think that’s one of the things my sister was afraid of losing, because she told me she was “scared” about losing “everything.” It doesn’t sound like that will be the case.
Mom also seemed to be open to still allowing my sister to drive her car to school which I thought was pretty gracious since I’ve had friends that would have their cars taken away for not telling their parents they would be getting off of work late. So compared to stuff like that, she won’t have it that bad. She will probably have an earlier curfew for prom, but she still gets to go.
I think my mom will give a fair and fitting punishment. She knows what’s going on, and she isn’t worried about pissing off my sister, but I don’t think it’s going to be some unreasonable punishment where my sister is kept under lock and key. It’s not like I want to see my sister locked in the attic for a year either. I still want her to be able to go out with friends and enjoy herself, but I want to make sure that when she goes out she will come home safe.
Actually, your Mom may be making a pretty smart play here. If she takes away everything then there is no threat left. But by allowing your sister to keep some privileges, this leaves her some deterrent/options if your sister decides to go off and do as she pleases, consequences be damned.