I have a friend who is engaged. She is the the midst of wedding planning, a veritable whirling dervish of planning activity.
Her fiance isn’t going to marry her.
I realize this sounds like a bad sitcom, but that’s the truth. He’s got problems, this guy, and one of them is an over-fondness for both the world of strip clubs, and other, less seemly activites that are also fairly described as part of the sex trade. I know this because of a tearful confession following his being bailed out after arrest on a charge related to his aforementioned hobby.
One part of this tearful confession is that he’s not planning on getting married. He is waiting for the right moment, however, to tell her.
Apparently the right moment is after several large, non-refundable deposits are made by his oblivious bride-to-be, who, incidentally, is financing this out of her own pocket in toto. She’s oblivious in that she’s unaware of either the massive financial drain caused by the strip club patronage or the arrest (and the activities that the arrest imply).
None of my business, I suppose.
But I hate to see this train heading full speed towards the impending wreck.
I also hate to think of her reaction after finding out that I knew “all along” that this was going to happen.
I don’t relish telling her, either, and I’m perfectly content to mind my own business - if that’s the right thing to do.
Oh, man! I do not envy you in the least! Talk about your “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situations. I don’t really know what the right thing is, so I’ve got to fall back on my tried-and-true Golden Rule. If I were your friend, I would want to know, especially considering the outlay of cash and such. Of course, you don’t have to tell her everything (and I’m not sure you should). If she knows you are friendly with her husband-not-to-be, you could simply tell her that he was hinting around that he might not be ready for marriage yet, and that she should talk to him about it before she makes any more wedding plans. Then, let her confront him, and hope he at least has the balls to fell that it’s the “right moment” to call off the wedding. As far as what he tells her about the reason, I would leave that between them. If he lies to her about the reasons, and it eventually comes to light anyway, explain to her how difficult it was for you to decide what the tell her, how much to tell her, etc. and that you were trying to be the best friend that you could be, and are sorry if you made a mistake about something. Surely any mistakes you make in this situation are based on you trying to do the best you can.
Buddy, you HAVE to intervene. I don’t see any other choice.
And not just for financial reasons. The earlier you at least bring this to light to sooner the couple can either work it out (and that’s always possible, I so optimistically believe) or break it off and move on.
Seems to me you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you tell her, she’s probably not going to (or not want to) believe you, and she’ll be angry and hurt at you for trying to tell her. And, as you said, she’s going to be just as hurt and angry if she finds out after the fact that you knew what was going on in advance.
How good a friend is she? Are you very close, or is she more of an acquaintance? If you and she are really tight, you might want to bite the bullet and lay it out for her - it’s possible that your friendship will survive once she’s over the initial shock and pain, especially if you stand by her through the coming storm.
She needs to know ASAP, but her cowardly pseudo-fiancé should be the one to tell her. Can you lock them in a room together and refuse to open the door until he tells her, or something like that?
What I do? Pressure the guy to tell her himself. Do whatever it takes to make him man enough to fess up. Use logic, fear, guilt, shame–whatever it takes.
It’s very cruel, but perhaps you could start the ball rolling by getting her medical insurers to ask her for an Aids test because they know she’s marrying this guy and he’s been arrested … Coming from an official source might make things more believable. She’ll naturally have an argument with him and it might well come out then.
How reputable are the places which are going to take the deposits? You might try alerting them.
Devil, deep blue sea; pick one. I do not envy you.
Come on, I don’t think you’d need to go so far as that - even if it were possible for a third party to persuade a medical insurer to demand an HIV test, which I don’t think is possible.
Either voice your concerns without being specific “You’re shelling out a lot of money. What if he deosn’t come through for you. What if?”, or go the anonymous route, which will allow you to give more detail, if you don’t want to be identified as the one who told.
I do think you ought to intervene, for the good reason that I think her anger at finding out you knew all along and didn’t tell will be a lot bigger and more ferocious than her anger and denial at you telling her. Lesser of two evils. Just MO.
While I kind of agree with what Tripler said too, I question the statement “If he’s a man, he’d know what to do.”
I’d like to think that real men wouldn’t get themselves this deep in the situation to begin with. But what do I know, I’m a girl. I also agree that pressuring your friend to tell (guilting maybe would work better though) is probably the best. The only way the two of them can work it out is with each other. Her finding out through an anonymous note might set her up into “attack” mode sooner rather than later. It might just confirm her suspicions though.
Best of luck, Bricker. If it helps, it’ll probably end crappily, whether you intervene now, later or not at all. (I know, it probably doesn’t help, sorry).
I’d give Party Boy a deadline to tell her, otherwise you’re going to. I know it’s none of your business, but is HE going to pay her back for all the money she’s shelled out? What about STDs? He may actually invite the opportunity for you to tell her, coward that he is. I usually go with MYOB, but if she’s a friend of yours, she should know.
Tell her. Don’t tell her anonymously. Sit her down. Start general and see if she responds.
I’ve always used the “I’m concerned about you. I know relationships sometimes are very different from the inside than from the outside, but this one doesn’t look very good from the outside.” I’ve had good luck with this tact three times, so I know it works. All three are still friends, one did marry the girl in question and I became fully supportive (right until he divorced her) when he did say it was “different on the inside” and recognized my concerns.
Then voice your concerns, general (He seems to spend a lot of time in bars). To specific (He has been telling friends he doens’t intend to marry you). To ratting him out (Has he mentioned his recent arrest). Hopefully, with the general minor ones she will start to say she has doubts as well, and you will be able to talk her into putting the whole thing “on hold.”
If you’re her friend first, call her right now. Your first obligation is to her.
If yoy’re his friend first, tell all your other friends, then get them all togrther and physically force him to tell his fiance. If he’s your friend, he’ll forgive you later.
My guess is that the fiance wants you to tell her. “Waiting for the right time”? That’s ridiculous: there’s NO good time to drop this bombshell, except for right away.
On the one hand, I’d have a hard time doing what the fiance wants (assuming I’m right, that he wants someone else to do his dirty work). On the other hand, your friend’s well-being trumps such concerns.
Consider approaching him in a nonconfrontational manner. “Listen,” you say, “I don’t want to make things more difficult for you. But I can’t sit by and watch my friend continue living a lie. Do you want to be the one to tell her, tonight, that you’re not going to marry her? Or do you want me to do it? I’m happy to do it if it’s too difficult for you. But it’s got to happen tonight.”
