I don’t think an anonymous letter is a good idea. Has he told a lot of people he was thinking he wasn’t quite ready to be married? My guess is no, which would mean you were the only one who could have sent such a letter.
I would think that the best way to handle this is to sit down your buddy, and convince him to tell her. Maybe they just need to postpone things.
I agree with others that say you must intervene. It would, of course, be better to hear it from him, so I’d go the deadline route. Tell him (and carry through) that you will tell her if he has not by a certain time.
My style would be to do what **Kalhoun **; deposits and the potential STD thing means you have to give him a short deadline, maybe this weekend coming.
After that, it’s a “Can we meet, I’m afraid I’ve got something pretty heavy you need to know” phone call to your friend.
It’s upfront, honest and fair to both, and you can sleep better as a result.
In this situation I would do one of two things.
Give him a six hour deadline to tell her.
Or just drop in the the two of them and tell her in front of him.
Because like it or not, now that you know about it you are an accomplish.
Is she oblivious as in “doesn’t acknowledge the arrest” or oblivious as in “doesn’t even know about it”? If she doesn’t even know about it, then she should be told.
I think that if she is your friend, you have an obligation to tell her right away about his intentions. Even if she gets mad at you at first, she’ll get over it and be glad you helped. If it were me, I’d tell her even if he was my friend and she were just an acquaintance. Messing with someone’s life the way he is is shameful.
As someone who is currently going through the nightmare of planning a wedding, I say tell her ASAP.
Oh Jebus, Bricker please tell me you’re not a Chicagoan? I know of some upcomming supposed nuptuals that have this sort of thing written -all- over them…
I would tell your friend not to make any non-refundable deposits and that her fiance has something very important to tell her. You might also talk to the groom-soon-not-to-be and let him know that if he doesn’t tell all that you will make certain that his fiance knows.
Since you only seem to be concerned what the right thing to do is in this case (and not about what your friend or fiance might think of you afterwards), I believe that intervening is the right thing to do. I would hate for one of my friends to be financially ruined and heartbroken because of something I didn’t do or say. But then again, I’ve got a big mouth, and that’s just the way I am. I place my morals and ethics right up there with my deepest friendships and I refuse to compromise either.
I agree, tell her if the guy doesn’t. Give him a very short deadline – like no more than 24 hours – then see her in person to make sure he’s done it. If he has confessed, she’ll need a lot of emotional support.
If he hasn’t (and something tells me he won’t), I’d take the tack that Dangerosa suggests. You can steer the conversation as her responses indicate. But she does need to know.
Man, I don’t envy you at all.
I’m just trying to figure out when the gentleman figures “the right time” is. I can just picture them walking down the aisle, and he’s thinking “Hmmm…before the kiss, or when they ask me to say I do…when’s a good time.”
Agree with what Zebra and others have said - give a strict deadline, or get them both in the room and tell her. Or, march him to her and stand behind him with a cattle prod while he confesses. If possible, don’t do his dirty work by confessing for him.
Because, frankly, I couldn’t face her again if I knew and didn’t tell her.
Then, of course, there’s the assuming-she-already-knows approach:
"Hi, Bride! I just wanted to drop by and offer my sympathies. It must be really difficult for you right now, what with the wedding called off and all. I hope you’ve been able –
"What? What do I mean, the wedding’s off? Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry! I was sure you – But after what happened, surely Groom has told you –
"He hasn’t? Not anything? And what happened that would…? Oh, my. Oh, I am SO sorry. I guess that means he hasn’t told you about the AIDS test and so –
"No, no! I mean, I don’t think he does, or I hope he doesn’t, but what with getting arrested for soliciting prosti –
"You don’t know? He didn’t tell you? But he swore to me he was going to be a man and tell you the truth!
“Oh, please, please, I would never have breathed a word if I weren’t sure he’d gone straight to you after I bailed him out. Oh, God, I’m so terribly sorry!”
From there, you can tell her all, if she wants to hear it.
She doesn’t know about the arrest, period.
You’ve gotten a lot of very wise input here, expecially Dangerosa (a real mensch and a true friend) and Left Hand of Dorkness. I’ll just add that this coward is not capable of dropping the bomb on his own. If you don’t force him or do it yourself, he’ll wind up going through with it and then she’ll be stuck with this slug. And eventually she’ll be out not only the wedding money but the divorce money, and probably lots of bond fees, STD tests, and marriage counselors in between.
I also like magog’s cattle prod idea.
I’m in the “give him a deadline” category, a short deadline. 24, maybe 48 hours. Then, like magog suggests, you drag him over to her place and say to her, “[fiance] has something important to tell you.” And you glare at him until he 'fesses up.
IIRC, Bricker is a lawyer, so I don’t expect he needs any WAGs from us nonlawyers about whether she can take him to court for any money she laid out after he changed his mind.
Whatever you decide to do, please let us know how it turns out, okay?
You’re screwed either way, and whether you tell or not, you’re probably going to lose this girl as a friend (not that you should, of course). Normally I’d say MYOB, but if she’s shelling out cash for this, she should know.
Go for the anonymous letter or email. Something like “Your fiance is up to no good and is telling people he’s not going to marry you and has been whoring like nobody’s business and just got arrested not long ago.” She’ll confront him, and if he has a shred of manhood in him, he’ll confess.
Or … is it possible to leave a copy of his arrest report laying around somewhere?
I suspect, that the only way that your friend is going to get told is you if you are actually present in the room. It sounds like any confession that fiance might make will be so diluted with backpeddling and such that it’s really only if Bricker is standing right there, that it’s all going to come out.
I suggest inviting them out to a neutral public place for coffee, and then telling your friend that her fiance was waiting for the right time to tell her something, and gosh knows, there’s no time like the present.
It doesn’t have to be the end, this make be what forces this guy to get some professional help.
I thank everyone for their counsel.
I must admit I like EddyTeddyFreddy’s “assume she must already know” approach. After all, Prospective Groom did say he was going to tell her. I’m not so much worried about hurting his feelings as I am hurting her feelings; this allows me to tell her with a passive-aggressive out. Normally I don’t like to take the passive-aggressive dodge, but this circumstance is unique.
We’ll see what happens…
Well, the arrest is a public record, isn’t it? What would happen if she knew about the arrest? Is there a practical way to make sure she does?
Oop, I started typing that around noon. Still, maybe this could feed into your ETF-patented approach.