Bricker, you’ve dealt with his kind before, he’s not going to tell her unless he’s pressed to the wall. You know it and I know it. Ultimatums (IMO) would be worthless, and just give him a time window to cook up something that makes you the bad guy. Plus, engaging him with an an ultimatum just winds you deeper into this drama you are eager to stay out of. In addition there is the very real risk that she would forgive him and direct her anger towards you.
The bottom line is that it is exceedingly likely you will be punished in some fashion for telling her. Make no mistake about it.
Having said this it’s still the right thing to do. Forget about party boy and his “intentions”, she is bleeding cash making these arrangements. Even if she doesn’t appreciate it you have to tell her directly, personally and ASAP. Chances are better than even you may lose her as a friend by doing this.
Can’t you work on the fiance and explain to him why he ought to tell her sooner rather than later?
Seems to me that urging him (strongly) to do the right thing would be a good first step.
If that failed, and if the woman were a very good friend of mine, I personally would tell her, as fully and gently as possible, what happened. But that’s me.
Another vote to sit down with the guy and reason with him that he’s got to come clean with her right now. He has absolutely no leg to stand on and you should make him recognize that. This way you’re being friends to them both.
I should have said earlier that I’ve told Prospective Groom, twice, that he needs to come clean, or I will on his behalf. It was from those conversations that the “waiting for the right time,” nonsense emerged. But he’s had two deadlines to tell her, both missed. I posted this query after deadline #2 passed - he wanted to get past Thanksgiving because the whole family was there, yadda yadda yadda. He promised he’d talk to her this past weekend after everyhome had gone home.
I doubt an anonymous letter would carry the weight of a face-to-face accusation or admission. I think that someone would naturally be suspicious of an anonymous letter, and the accused could simply deny it if there is no proof contained. (Mug shots? Photocopied arrest records? Now we’re ending up in sitcom hell.)
Given that you’ve already stated two deadlines, and have told him to his face that he has to tell his fiancee, I think that your obligation now extends to telling her the truth and washing your hands of the matter.
Of course, there’s always EddyTeddyFreddy’s method of going about that.
I’d invite them both out to lunch and bring it up with both of them there. I’m sure he’s scared how she’s going to react and is a bit of a coward. This forces his hand but makes it his obligation.
Given the additional info, Bricker, tell her. Tell her now. Close your browser right now and go over there and tell her. Prospective Groom is a dick, he’s never going to tell her because he’s a coward. Don’t tell her in public because she is probably going to freak regardless of where she is, at least she’ll be flipping out in familiar surroundings. It sucks that you have to be the bearer of bad tidings but at this point, given he has been warned twice, if you say nothing it could be said that you’re aiding and abetting PG’s antics. Pull the rug out from under him.
Anonymous letter??? Are you people nuts? Forget such a tactic. Anonymous letters are for ratting out business associates, classmates, strangers and the like, not people you know on a personal basis. They should be used by a disconnected third party to stay out of a thorny interaction between two other parties. Trouble is, you are NOT a disconnected third party; your friendship connects you to one or both of the engaged couple.
Remember, he does not want to tell this news and she does not want to hear it. An anonymous letter will rightly drive her nuts (“Is this true?” “Who sent me this and why didn’t they sign it?” “What was their [cruel?] motivation?” and on and on), and give him an opportunity to hedge around it (“Lies, nothing but lies, honey.”) and/or deflect blame onto the unknown author (“When I find out the cowardly bastard who wrote this note…”)
IMHO, there is no obvious thing to do; but there is one obvious thing NOT to do: the anon letter.
I feel the need to weigh in here in opposition to the “act like she knows” approach. The fact is that you are, from what I discern, relatively sure she does NOT know and by using this method you are actively engaging in dishonest behavior yourself(pretending you think she knows when you are actually quite sure she does not). Sure you’re doing it for a good ends, but does that justify the means? It seems overly manipulatitive to me. Play it straight and keep your nose clean. She’s been lied to enough already from what I can tell.
My two cents–I would do pretty much the above. Tell the guy that he has one week to tell the girl it’s off or you will tell the girl yourself.
If he says “I already told her,” then tell him that it’s in your interest to make sure that is true, so in two days you will contact the girl to make sure he told her. (If he’s lying, then he loses five days as punishment.)
When you talk to the girl (after either 2 or 7 days), tell her you are sorry you didn’t tell her sooner, but it’s a complicated situation, and I bet she’ll understand (unless she’s as much of a boob as the guy is). I would probably also limit the amout I tell her to “the guy says he’s not going to marry you but he is not able to tell you himself.” If she asks why, tell her to talk to him about it.
I’ll add another vote for the Dangerosa approach, particularly as the deadlines have come and gone.
One possible wrinkle, that I hope won’t be a problem. In connection with his arrest, might the fiance have thought that he consulted you in a professional capacity. I would hate to have the lawyer’s duty of confidentiality thrown into the mix.
Ack, forgot that Bricker’s a lawyer. If the guy thought you were acting as his lawyer when he told you the sob story, you’re in quite a pickle.
I realize you say that you’ve given him two ultimatums, but have you really sat him down and talked to him about all the reasons why he needs to come clean now? If you’ve got a confidentiality obligation, your only option (that I can see right now) is to wear him down into doing the right thing.
No anon letter. If two deadlines have already passed, now is the time to act.
It doesn’t really matter how you tell her, but I myself would be upfront. Tell her in a neutral area, one which she can leave from with a minimum of fuss. Definitely not a public area, crying in public sucks ass. However, it’s very possible she’ll want to storm off, so maybe her apartment isn’t the best place either.
She does need to know, but OP I get the feeling she already does. If she’s been with this guy a while she knows. Maybe she just doesn’t want to admit it to herself.
Maybe she’s waiting for somebody to tell her.
No, no - if that were the case, I wouldn’t be conflicted at all. My clear duty would be to maintain his confidence.
Remember I no longer practice in any event - and out of an excess of caution, I made it absolutely clear to him that help with bond and a ride home was the extent of my participation.
I would use the deadline approach first mentioned by Kalhoun (I think). Twenty-four hours at most. “Dude, if you don’t, I will, and it won’t be pretty.”
And I’d begin by saying exactly what others have said in describing the situation. “<Woman’s name>, I apologize in advance for being the one to tell you this. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. But you need to know, so I’m going to take the bullet if you decide a bullet is required.”
The only question in my mind is where the conversation should take place. Is she living with him? If not, then maybe her place, so she can tell you to leave if that’s what she needs to do. If so, then probably elsewhere so she doesn’t have to sit at home and wait for him.
Bricker, I am sorry you’re in this situation. Since the guy’s already missed 2 deadlines, I’d say give him 24 hours and then tell her. I expect she won’t want to believe it and will be heavily in denial, so make it as blunt and clear as possible, and make sure you mention that he has been given the opportunity to tell her twice and has chosen not to. I suspect the guy’s latest excuse will be he can’t tell her because it will ruin Christmas.
Sometimes, you can’t do anything to avoid causing pain, and intense pain at that. That being the case, I’d say it’s best to do so as quickly and cleanly as possibly so that healing can begin more quickly. If you want my prayers, you’ve got them, buddy. Something tells me you and the girl are going to need them.