One more thing – if she says to you, “But, he loves me,” I’d point out to her that a man who acts the way he has acted and continues to act does not truly love her, not enough to make him marriageable. Back when Dr. Laura Schlessinger was worth listening to, one of her ads had her saying to a caller, “This is a man who took drugs rather than be with you!” It may be tough for her to accept that her fiance has made his choice, and it’s not her, but she will be better off learning that now, rather than later.
CJ
Who believes God is present at all marriages – it’s just that at some, He’s screaming, “No! No! No!!!” :half intended :
Okay, then, if there’s no confidentiality problem, and if you’ve already worked on him to do the right thing…go with Dangerosa’s suggestion about talking to the woman. I’ve used the approach she suggested in a similar situation (when I had to tell my best friend that I thought she needed to take time to reconsider her engagement to her now-husband–talk about a touchy situation). It worked well and we’re better friends for my having been honest with her at the time…even though it was one of the worst conversations I’ve ever had to have with someone. Just so you know, it’s not necessarily a no-win situation for you–sometimes friendships come out stronger for having gone through this kind of dilemma.
Take a copy of the police report to her house yourself with a
" There’s something you need to see."
There is no easy way to deliver bad news. Do it quick. Do it politely with the facts. You will be the messenger. Brace yourself for a shitbomb. Possibly take a tape recorder with you in your pocket so you can have this low life hear what grenade you fell on for him. There is no way in the world he can ever pay you back. None. He doesn’t deserve a friend like you.
If I were him ( or you) I would at least do this on a Thursday after work in a private place so that she can cry and scream at him any which way she desires then go home and not sleep. Then ( this is my point) call in sick Friday so that she can cancel all the necessary arrangements on a business day and spend the weekend stabbing effigies of him while curled up in a fetal position.
Good luck. You are more of a man that your friend.
I really think the anonymous idea isn’t the best. Telling her anonymously makes it seem as if you’re chicken to come clean with her. Which, maybe you are, but you shouldn’t act coward regardless. Ideally, you would be the strong one, because the moment she finds out, she will have some serious problems she’ll need help dealing with.
I don’t see why, in a good, normal, friendship, telling her the truth about her husband would necessarily lead to the loss of your friendship. It could, of course, but I see it very possible that she would be thankful of your help (especially if you help her deal with the repercussions) after a certain amount of time.
Oof. See, I would go with the “Give him a deadline” plan ifBricker hadn’t mentioned that the groom-not-to-be has already blown two deadlines.
Things being as they are, however, I’d go with essentially forcing him tell her in your presence. I think this is the best possible method 'cause the bad news will be coming from him, not you; if she hears it from the horse’s (or, in this case, the ass’s) mouth, she’ll perhaps be more likely to believe it.
I’d probably sit them down together in a neutral, secluded place & say, “Bride, I asked the two of you to meet me because (fiance’s name) mentioned to me that something you should know has been preying on his mind… Right, Fiance?”. The ball’s then in his court. If he plays dumb, just come out with it.
See, the getting them together becomes problematic. If the jerk suspects why (and he will, Brickers given him TWO deadlines), he just won’t show. Leaving Bricker with the bag.
Leave him out of it. Have a heart to heart with her.
Oh, and remind her that non-refundable deposits are nothing compared to the cost of the wedding and a divorce a few month later (this is from experience).
If you wind up doing it with scumbag along, have the arrest report (if you can get it) or some other concrete proof, so he can’t get away with minimizing it. He’s obviously had a lot of practice at lying to her and explaining away things.
Now, this might be an unpopular opinion. But sex addiction is real, and it can create chaos in someone’s life just as effectively as addiction to drugs and alcohol.
I don’t think we know why this dude wants to call the wedding off. If we give him the benefit of the doubt, it may be just because he is ashamed and sickened by his own behavior and financial carnage.
Maybe he really loves this person. Maybe she really loves him. If this is the case, getting him to admit his problem and to seek treatment for it may be what’s called for, not necessarily calling off the wedding.
I’m not saying don’t tell her, but maybe Bricker, before he gives this dude a deadline, and if he considers him a friend, and it seems like he does, could ask the man why he wants to call off the wedding. Bricker, and we as well, might be surprised by the answer.
And if she really loves this person, it’s possible that a sincere admission of his problem and a sincere effort to get himself straightened out may be enough to keep their love, and maybe even the wedding, on track.
IMO, of course. I hope someone actually reads this post, being at the end like it is. I’m wondering if this makes sense to anyone but me.
I’m late off the mark here and hopefully Bricker is already doing something. But here is my two cents worth.
You are going to get offside with the groom whatever happens. He’s not being straight. He’s had his chances. So forget him. His opinion doesn’t count. You shouldn’t be at all concerned about upsetting him. So, there is no point in him being around when you tell the news. You don’t want any blameshifting, backpeddling, rumour starting or any other BS in such a delicate situation.
You are probably best to deal with the situation as directly and as honestly as possible. Much as I like ETF’s soft approach, you don’t want to add anything even faintly dishonest to the mix because you don’t want anything to backfire.
The bride is going to be upset. No, distraught. It aint gonna be pretty. She will need a close female friend there.
I would be pretty straight on this one. Something along the lines of: “We have some rather difficult news. We are concerned for you. Your fiance is not being totally straight with you.” And let the conversation progress from there.
I can see your point - except for one thing. The wedding is creeping up fast and she should get a say in whether or not she marries a man with an addiction. Apparently, right now she is unaware - and it really doesn’t sound like there is enough time between now and the bridal march for her to really understand what she is getting into (if she is getting into life with an addict).
It could be that “things are different on the inside” and that he loves her and she loves him and that love will enable her to support him while he works through his problems. But she has to know that there are problems and, if it was me (and after some experience being the girl who shouldn’t and did marry a guy who had problems staying faithful - and ten years later still has problems staying faithful to wife number two), I’d want him to start making some progress now - get help and treatment, make an effort, begin to change - then rebook the hall.
There is no harm in postponing a wedding. A lot of harm in marrying someone while you are wearing blinders.
It didn’t go well. She’s very upset. He’s called me to tell me I stabbed him in the back.
I ended up not doing the “Oh, you must have known,” approach. I just sat her down in the Starbucks across the street and said that I had something unpleasant to tell her, that I had agonized over how to do this, and in the end decided that I would want to know, straight out, so that’s how I was telling her, and I was very sorry for being the bearer of bad news.
She obviously called him after our chat, and she’s gone home for the day.
What a nightmare mate, it sounds like you did the right thing though. Well done for having the guts to do something about it by the way. I have been in the position where friends didn’t tell me stuff, they couldn’t face being the bearer of bad news. That really feckin hurt, as you always find out sooner or later.
On the occasions where someone did tell me something was going on, yes, I was mad as hell at first, but I got over it, and was thankful someone had the guts and didn’t just walk away.
You stabbed him in the back?! He’s been going to strip clubs and doing stuff there that got him arrested for a sex-related crime, not telling her about it, and you’re the betrayer? Riiiiight.
Bricker, I’m sorry. She’ll probably not want to believe you, and I halfway can’t blame her. She’s got this whole wedding thing going, and bringing that and her relationship to a screeching halt over something that even a friend told her can’t be easy. If you lose her as a friend, know that you acted with her future in mind.
It’s going to take some time and distance for her to get over this, but you did the right thing. She’s not going to feel good for a long time, but if she’s worthwhile as a friend, she’ll be grateful. You acted out of concern for her interests. Shame she can’t marry you instead.
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