I’m trying something with my mile-a-minute kid. Yesterday I sat her down and said “You know, I always tell you to stop, look and listen before barging into a conversation, just like you do before you cross the street. But do you know why?” She said she didn’t.
So I told her it’s like cutting in line. People are in line in front her, and they’re going to be unhappy if she cuts in line, if she pushes in front of them. They may get mad. She has to wait her turn in line, like everybody else. She knows all about waiting in lines (and can stand quietly in line in the post office for 5-10 minutes alone) so I am hoping this will be a good approach to take.
As for explaining that some people just enjoy silence…? That’s harder.
It was so bad our commanding officer (a Navy Captain) came out to see what was up. He told this guy it WILL not happen again. In previous incidents I had reported it to our immediate supervisor, but nothing was done. Ever.
I went nuts. I called him every name there is. I told him I was sick of his shit and then told him I want to see how bad he really is and to “take your bitch ass outside”. I was in one of those types of anger where everything is colored red, and everyone/everything starts to look smaller and smaller. That’s when the Captain came out, in the middle of my rampage. Take him, I would have killed him. He knows it, because he sure backed up fast when I finally went off. But I should have never been pushed to that point.
In all fairness, some people remember things better if they speak it out loud. And some people order their thoughts better out loud (or on paper). My husband can lie down, shut his eyes, and think through a problem linearly. When he is done, he knows exactly what he thought, and every step he took getting there, just as though he’d done it on paper. My thoughts - unless expressed somehow in a concrete manner - tend toward abstract pictures, images, feelings and impressions. If I lie down to think through a problem, my thoughts go every which way, and/or I fall asleep.
Still, there’s something to be said (or rather, NOT said) if noise is a distraction to work.
I’m not a parent, so please don’t jump all over me if I’m way off the track here. But as far as I know, most kids want other people to like them. Would it be possible to explain that most people won’t like her very much if she doesn’t “wait in line?” It’s a hard lesson, but you could be saving her from a lifetime of grief.
“It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool, then to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt”? An aphorism, yes, but quite true.
A corollary to this would be not just to stand there and wait for a break so she can spill her beans, but to actively listen and formulate a reply based on what is being said. Listening is a much more important conversational skill than speaking. I know people who, when you watch them during a conversation, you can tell that they’re not really paying attention, just waiting for a break so they can talk again. Annoying and not particularly endearing.
She wants people to listen to her, right? It works both ways.
If she comes up with something which is (to her) important to say, then it’s important - she shouldn’t be expected just to forget it, and join into the conversation at hand. (If her brain is anything like mine, if she doesn’t get to speak it soon, she’ll forget it and be haunted by her inability to remember - I get around this by writing things down. She can’t write yet.) HOWEVER I do think she should wait her turn before changing the subject. (True emergencies of course are a different matter.)
Now, if she has joined an ongoing conversation, and wants to participate, of course she should listen and stay on topic. That’s a skill I didn’t learn for…oh, ages. And it wasn’t a desire to be disruptive, it was just that what I was interested in didn’t match what other people were interested in. My thoughts went ZING! and my mind and fancy and eventually mouth would follow. Mostly now when my brain does that, I’ve just learned to shut up and not say anything at all. It passes for interest, or at least courtesy.
But those are two different things - not interrupting/not motormouthing is NOT the same thing as ‘not staying on topic’. And in the case of my child, we’re talking about a 6 year old here. The tone of a couple of these posts stops just short of saying that children should be seen and not heard…as though anything adults have to say is important, and nothing children have to say could possibly be important. Of course this is not true. What she has to say is important. But so is courtesy. And so is staying on topic, of course. But that’s separate.
As for “Mort”, that’s something else entirely. That’s a man who, despite being an adult, has either never learned to read social cues, or flat-out doesn’t care about them. The only approach I know for such a person is to tell them repeatedly, bluntly, pointedly, and with no worry about hurting their feelings, “You are interrupting me, keeping me from doing my work, and such subjects are not open for discussion. Please go away and come back when you have something work-related. And when that’s taken care of, go away again.” If saying it doesn’t work, print it up on a piece of paper and hand it to Mort. Over and over again. Maybe he’ll absorb through his eyes what he can’t seem to get through his ears.
I certainly didn’t mean to imply that, and you’re right, I was thinking more of an ongoing conversation.
Just to be clear, I wasn’t thinking along those lines either. Of course she should learn how to interact with others, and the skills we’re discussing will be a great help to her.
A friend’s daughter (about 10) was once pestering her mom to get her attention: “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom!” etc. Not an emergency, and Mom was trying to run her store and deal with customers. I called her to me and showed her how to politely get someone’s attention without being obnoxious: Stand where they can see you, make eye contact, and smile brightly. Soon enough her mother said, “Yes, Rachel?” And Mom liked my suggestion too.
